Before I would think.. if our divorce is inevitable then I want it to happen as soon as possible. Now it's not "if", it's "when".. and waiting is just excruciating. I know it's coming. It's like watching a bullet in slow motion. Just hit me. Let me bleed out. And then be reborn and move on. But as it is, I'm just trying and failing over and over. Subtly and silently but failing all the same. Right now it doesn't feel real. But there are moments when everything hits me all at once and I have this haunting feeling.. like I'm floating and completely out of control.. like I'm not me.. like I'm not real. Idk how to explain it. It's not that easy and I've never been smart enough to explain such complex feelings. And this is unlike anything I've ever known.

Sometimes, it's okay. We both met other people. And it was so unexpected But a friendship turned into max and i. And it's not just someone. Inot so many ways I've never felt like this. It's not perfect, there's problems we've had to experience, inevitable due to our circumstances and unnecessary due to well.. the effect of those circumstances I suppose. It's affected us both in different ways and thats caused us to act ways we normally wouldnt. And we've had to find ways to cope with that in ourselves and in each other. It was hard. But we'recloser than ever... our communication is a lot better. And we both are crazy about each other. He makes me feel beautiful and needed. He is passionate. Talkative. Sexy. Smart. Funny. Unique.

But sometimes. I feel so.. married. Even though we've been separated over a year.in some ways over a year and a half. That's so long. And throughout a lot of that time, especiallyat the end, I felt very single. It's hard to know what to do when I feel like that. Do i speed up or slow down.. not my relationship with max.. but my divorce. Is that even a question really? It's happening.

Tim says to just keep moving forward. That's what he's doing anyways. And I will too. Sometimes it just feels strange. Like I'm not me. Like this is all happening to someone else in some alternate universe and real me is off in reality where things make sense.

But just because things don't make sense doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I am so completely heart broken over my divorce and how things happened. Disappointed beyond words at myself. So many things . But I also feel guilty. For also being happy. For meeting max and falling in love. For feeling this way.