Listening to: michelle branch
Feeling: blank
i said to my friend that sean told me he loved me a couple days ago even tho we broke up. and my friend said that he was lying. and i figured he would know cuz he is a guy too. but i dunno and then i told my brother the same thing and my brother said "he doesnt mean it"... okay. why say it? does he think it'll make it easier? cuz it doesnt. and now... i dont know what i want to do about it. its hard... he imed me tonite and i dont know.. he acted like everything was just fine and normal. like we never even happened. okay. great... thats what i wanted right? no "i love you's".. no nothing. but the problem isnt even that. its just knowing im not with him. and talking isnt helping. i cant do it. i cant be his friend. i wrote him a message in myspace saying i cant do it and to call me if he doesnt get it.. haha thats a joke. call me? he said he would call in a couple days. its been a little more than a couple days and he hasnt. he doesnt want to. i already know that much. and i dont want him to if he doesnt want to. i guess i just want him to want to. but thats dumb huh? how gay. i dont even know why i miss him... we only went out 2 months. everyone thinks thats nothing. it IS nothing. it was nothing. nothing at all. it was pathetic and so am i. i hate this. what am i supposed to do? just pretend like everything is ok? i told jason that and he said he didnt mean it and i said why woiuld he say that? and jason said that he probably broke up with me for other reasons but he used that as an exucse.. to be nice. well if thats the case.. then i already know why he did it. and he cant just say it? he cant just say "you did this, and i cant be with you" instead of pretending like that has nothing to do with it when it does. oi how did brett do it? how DOEs brett do it? talking to someone who doesnt want to be with you. loving someone who doesnt love you.. or worse.. lies about it. idealist.. ha. i like michelle branch songs. ah. i wish i could cut off my emotional cirrculation. just choke it out and never feel pain or lonliness... i need a hug. jasons asleep. i dont want to wake him up. i feel stupid. i know i was annoying. i know i was nag. i was scared. i guess its just a lesson learned. i guess thats all it can be. dont be scared. the greatest thing you'll ever learn is JUST TO LOVE and BE loved in return. i guess i didnt do that. i know i made too big of a deal out of things. but they were important.. im not saying they werent but i just should have handled things differently. gah.. and gah. but why even say "those letters made me cry" and all that nonsense.. when its not even true. how could he cry over me after all this? i dont understand why he would say that. if he really wants to be with me he will. but i cant do this. so im done. no more talking. he'll make a way if he wants it bad enough. and if not.. o well. it was a lovely experience. bumpy but lovely nonetheless. you know what sucks?? when i was thinking of breaking up with him.. he asked if we could wait and talk in person and i did.. but he didnt let me talk in person. he broke up with me over the phone.. thats not even fair... like it didnt even matter. cuz it doesnt. this is what he wants so i should just shut up already and get over it. no friends. no. if he cares THAT much about being my friend.. he'll be with me. i cant give anymore. i made a mistake. and he said he forgave me. so its done. and now everything is over. just going by what HE said. so ok.. its over. if he wants me.. want me.. if not.. leave me alone. and i wish he wouldnt lie to himself. maybe he does want to be with me.. omg im so naive.
"goodbye to you. goodbye to everything that i knew. you were the one i loved. the one thing that i tried to hold onto."
i broke the no talking about sean rule.. ooops
oowps yew bwoke et haha oh that homestar
romina
anyway, thanks for commenting back.
romina
[rororo]