Listening to: Augustana- Boston
Packing. Day 1. 7 medium sized boxes. no packaging tape.... may day 2 go more smoothly..
So.
I think its ok that we aren't getting married. I am sad. But I think we're on the same page. I can't get mad at him for not making something happen when I'm not able to either. And the courthouse doesn't appeal to either of us. But at least I know that he wants it still. People can try to ruin it all they want. Speaking of whichhhhhh...
My grandma called me yesterday and left me a message about how saturday would be a good day to get together about the girls bridesmaids dresses... apparently she didn't get the memo that its not happening. and talking to her is as ridiculous as my mom wanting to walk me down the isle. not as ridiculous but pretty close.
i feel like an idiot and it really upsets me that this has happened not again but keeps happening.. where we get into planning enough that a date is set.. and people are told. and then nothing comes from it. I'm really upset that I let my desire to get married cloud my judgment of people. and overlook things that I should never overlook. I had a guard up for a reason and if people don't understand that then that's all the more reason for it. The fact that nothing is ever enough really shows how selfish some people can be. Specifically speaking about my mother obviously.. when you know you've been the cause of heartache and ruin in not only my relationship with tim, or everyone I've been with, but pretty much in my life in general.. and you are given a billionth chance.. take it. but when someone like that is never satisfied with the fact that I always come back for more. who does that? who goes thru all of this and continues to try? even when i am told i don't. And at this point i really do want to give up on all of them. How have they not given up on me? In this situation and almost every other. I am always last priority in this family. I guess thats why I needed to know I am first priority for tim. And i am.
she's so fake. "oh i love you. no matter what. thats the most important BLAHHHHH" EXCEPT! if you deny me the chance to walk you down the isle. yuck.
and what's yucker.. i asked my grandmother "without knowing what i plan to do, tell me now, if you would come to my wedding if my mom was not invited.. without knowing if she is or not.. what would u do?" and her answer was STILL no. at the very most "i don't know". even after knowing the situation and how I've tried.. she even said "you just need to let her be a part of it" what the hell. that really pissed me off. and i explained how thats exactly what i did and how it wasn't enough.. and she doesn't freaking get it. So she can "i don't know" as much as she wants. I don't care anymore. What else can you do? I'm only so strong. and so forgiving. heh. in the words of Lauren from the Hills (Because i'm just that awesome) I want to forgive her,... and I want to forget her.
oh buddy. in both cases, could anyone have come up with a more perfect line? i'm thinkin no.
what a gay subject.
i had a dream that there was a man living in our apartment ceiling. and i kept waking up kind of and thinking it was real and it was scary. he had a mask.
it's what makes a suburu a suburu
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