Listening to: The Decemberists- Red Right Ankle
we had a stupid fight about the stupidest things. I was just saying what I thought because he kept asking me even tho it was his decision and I didnt really care what he decided. and finally I just said what i thought and he got all weird about it and brought up wedding stuff. and he should just know by now not to even go there with me. he should just know its a touchy spot and just avoid it at all costs. because we were supposed to be married forever ago and we're still in the same spot we've been in for over a year and he constantly complains about money but then he just contradicts himself. and I know its his money.. thats the thing. i was telling him its his decision cuz its his money. but eventually we're going to have to be thinking about OUR money and he actually compared what he was buying to food.. uhm. no. we need food. unless you'd like to starve. or cook your own meals (HA) or unless he would like to pay twice or three times as much going to fast food places.. i cant even beleieve he said that. and then, after that so called argument of his, he compares it to wedding costs. WHAT? of course it costs more to get married and of course in comparision its nothing.. so we should just go around and spend a little here and there and everywhere just because "at least it doesnt cost as much as a wedding" that doesnt make any sense... ef money and ef this entire day.
and then when we got back to the apartment i got my stuff together and said i would just see him tomorrow and he comes over and says "okay" and says i love you. and i didnt say it back. because its like you obviously see Im pissed off and you're just going to let me leave like this? and then expect me to say I love you after that? so we can just pretend nothing was said at all and tomorrow we'll just go back to normal? no. thats not happening sorry. and he probably.. no i know he wont even think to call me the rest of today to resolve this. or even tomorrow. he'll wait until i call him. unless he reads this in which case... DONT CALL ME. because you're just doing it so I dont get even more pissed off. and thats a crummy reason anyways.
I'm just so sick of being all supportive of EVERYTHING he does ALL the freaking time and then I say one thing that he doesn't like and I'm a horrible person for it? like I'm trying to control him or something for saying how i feel about something. and then he says "well its ok for you to say your opinion but not for me" uhm no unless you're voicing your opinion about how costly an $8,000 wedding is.. when there are men all over the world who are GLADLY paying 4 times that amount to make their future wives AND THEMSELVES happy. and am i asking for that? no. and 4 times is low balling it considering the AVERAGE wedding costs like $35,000 right now. He says he wants to marry me but if he really did it would have already happened already. Giving freaking $4,000 to his dead beat beast of a brother and then complaining about money. Buying a new car and a new video game system and blah blah blah and I am all for getting yourself stuff and having a good time and whatever.. great. but dont complain about spending money for a day that is SUPPOSED to be the most important day of our lives here. Is it too much to ask of a person to have a passion about it? or at least a smile on your face when we talk about it? Could I not be the only one to bring it up all the time? was his reason for being with me again just an ego thing? the need to win? the whole wanting something because you cant have it crap? I dont see a change like he said. I did for like 2 weeks and now what? where'd it go? I cleaned his shitty apartment. i do his laundry. i cook for him. i try to do all that stuff and I dont even live with him right now. and what do i get? i thought maybe if he was more involved in the wedding process he would feel more emotionally attached and more understanding about what it takes and what goes into it and APPRECIATE all the things I'm trying to do. So I wanted him to be involved.. and im not talking about picking out stationary and flowers and crap like that, just involving him in my thought processes and asking his opinions and searching for honeymoon places and packages together. or locations because, nope still havent found a place yet. but seriously after 10 minutes of looking for a location, he was complaining about how long it was taking and how theres too many places and he was tired of looking and bLAH.. After 10 minutes. when the night before i was looking for 4 HOURS and only quit because I was falling asleep at my desk. And thats one night out of many nights that I spend looking for that kind of stuff. I'm just as stressed out about these things too. but I.. well I was also extremely excited and happy for them. SO it trumped any complaints because I figured in the end.. I'd be married and have beautiful memories to look back on. and a sense of accomplishment and pride because I put it all together and it turned out great. I just wish he felt the same. Its not like I'm imagining this.. like its not possible. I've seen other guys enjoy this stuff not because they like the work, but it makes their fiance's happy and that makes them feel good. and you can tell its not because they have to. its because they want to. I just feel like if we did get married.. he'd just expect me to do everything i'm doing now, plus raise kids, and work, and be awesome.. and he just gets to stay the same and never change. When is he going to grow up? i know coming from me thats hilarious but whatever I dont have to explain myself here.. so i wont.
I don't even want to deal with any of this anymore. I deserve to be adored.. and I dont mean that in a conceited way. I really dont. I think anyone in any relationship should not only love but adore the person they are with.. and i think i do adore tim.. and i always think of that verse "treat people how you want to be treated" and i think.. I'll show him how much i want this and eventually he'll show me too.. but it gets harder because its not happening. and I'm not talking about words. because he says I love you all the time and i know he means it. but I'd just like a nice balance. or maybe just not to get a headache after talking about our wedding. something. anything. AHHH!
I decided I like this song.
THE DECEMBERISTS- Red Right Ankle
This is the story of your red right ankle
And how it came to meet your leg
And how the muscle, bone, and sinews tangled
And how the skin was softly shed
And how it whispered “Oh, adhere to me
For we are bound by symmetry
And whatever differences our lives have been
We together make a limb.”
This is the story of your red right ankle.
This is the story of your gypsy uncle
You never knew ‘cause he was dead
And how his face was carved and rift with wrinkles
In the picture in your head.
And remember how you found the key
To his hide-out in the Pyrenees
But you wanted to keep his secret safe
So you threw the key away.
This is the story of your gypsy uncle.
This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet, some were cold and snuffed you
And some just laid around in bed.
Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you
This is the story of your red right ankle.
SARA BAREILLES- Love Song
Head under water
and they tell me to breathe easy
for a while
the breathing gets harder,
even I know that
you made room for me
but it's too soon to see
if I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
no easy way to say this
you mean well,
but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
make or breaking this
if you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I'm gonna need a better reason
to write you a love song today
I learned the hard way
that they all say
things you want to hear
and my heavy heart sinks
deep down under you and
your twisted words,
your help just hurts
you are not what I thought you were
hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
make or breaking this
if you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I'm gonna need a better reason
to write you a love song today
Promise me that you'll leave the light on
to help me see with daylight,
my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
if you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
if your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas
when I believe that there's a reason
to write you
a love song
today.
Oh the perfect end to wrap up the meaning behind the stupidest entry.. I want to kick things.
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