When I'm depressed Im pulled to the ground. Literally. All i want to do is lay on the floor. Sleeping on a bed seems impossible. When i think about it I get this weird feeling like.. God i can't describe it.. but it's almost like it feels "too hopeful" and i know everything is hopeless. I'm fine though. I mean considering everything I'm doing grest I'd say. Maybe. I'm here. I'm not currently moving forward but I'm looking in a forward like direction. I'm definitely thinking forward thoughts.

It's just thst i get so sucked into myself and my thoughts and my situations and it becomes the focus of every dsy instead of changing the situation. I have been trying tho. Working on projects. Attempting things at least.

Divorce is so dibilitating. Not just in the ways you'd think but it has the power to make you so hopeless about such mundane things. And serious things. And new relationships. Amd the whole concept of "forever" actually meaning anything. And how lessons are always learned after the fact.

Ivery been eating my feelings. Usually I am the opposite and have no appetite but recently I'm really hungry all the time. Mini blueberry muffins and chocolate.. the answer to every problem. Ok not really. I'm going to just finish the bin and never eat them again. Running helps.. I should get back into that.

Going to buy a ticket to go to max. If thst doesn't work out I will get my car and road trip it to california.. sell it... and then go to europe indefinitely. Freaking election is a joke aanyways. But i do love my car.... idk.

I wrote tim a long message on whatsapp. We've been friends but after the last 2 weeks.. it's too much. I didn't know what else to do.

I m need to pack. I need to sleep