i work today. i should be sleeping. its 2am and i work at 10. i need to get up when tim leaves and start some laundry before i go. and get ready and stuff.
the more tired i get the less i want to go to sleep. i am nervous. not about the job. just the people. its hard starting over at a new place. making new friends. awkward introductions and small talk. erg. i wish i could fast forward through it to the part of the relationship where you feel comfortable to just be there... not have to constantly talk and blab about. not that i don't like people or talking to them... for the most part i do.. i'm just not good at it and they always catch on to the fact pretty early on. first impressions are key and i suck at those most of all. 2nd and 3rd are fine... 1st are just an accident waiting to happen. like walking blindly into on coming traffic. uhg. but the people did seem really nice. they always do but... and maybe i am just naive... but i think it will be different here. i hope.
i dont want to sleep. i know i will kick myself tomorrow. i want to finish my house site. i made a site for me and timmy to keep track of all our favorite houses. i want a house so bad. and then i want to read my book. one day. and then sleep. i feel like i am forgetting to do something. i wont remember till its too late.
New Found Glory is always good. in every mood. almost every song. its been my go to band for the last month now.
nope. there will be no sleep tonight. too anxious. i need to speak with my doctor. or consult a new one. i told him about my anxiety. i said i had been on prozac before and it helped with my depression so i got back on it mostly because cymbalta is ridiculous! but.... although my depression is in check on prozac.. the anxiety is still an issue. especially when i forget to take my pills most of the week. i forgot on monday, tuesday, friday and saturday! i suck at remembering to take them. and why are pills so bloody hard to swallow?
anyways. i suppose i can go read my book some more. i didn't want to stop anyways. its a cute book. funny and frustrating enough to make you care what happens.
i am going to be so effing tired. uhg why do i do this? well not really "do this" I am not "doing" this... i don't want to stay up... insomnia is a bitch. i could go lay in bed and hope to fall asleep but i already know from experience that i will just toss and turn all night and constantly disrupt timmys sleep. no. i will read. timmy needs undisturbed sleep once in a while.although i will go get my teddy. nothing like reading and cuddling with something fluffy. moose used to fill that position perfectly.
I miss him so much i cant stand it. losing penguin was hard but this is unbearable. he's not just a kitten. he was a part of my daily routine. we had a schedule. and then everything got ruined. why did God bless me with the best, cutest, fluffiest kitten that would make me laugh and play all day and cuddle all night... only to take him away? he was exactly what i wanted. i told timmy almost everyday. how much i loved him and how he was my favorite. maybe that was the lesson. don't play favorites. and jefri has always been my favorite ever. but moose was different. jefri is so independent. he likes a good head rub and can be affectionate sometimes but moose really did become my favorite, my baby. he needed me and i needed him. dexter has become more affectionate.. he used to hide all day. since moose is gone he;s been spending a lot of time around us. and when i am at the computer he lays behind me. he's there now. its like he knows i miss moose and he's trying to do his best to comfort me. cats are smart like that. but its not the same.i dont care what people think. when i love i love with everything in me. people, animals, possessions, even places and ideas. i cried when i cut my long hair for the first time. i cried when i couldn't find my pmpkin shirt. and my strawberry shortcake bike. things. leaving my church. ideas of who i thought i was. those are all things most people care about but they aren't obsessed with them. i am. and why should pets be any different. i hate being made to feel silly for missing moose so much just because he wasn't like a kid or a boyfriend or uncle or some stranger on tv. i miss him so much there has been a terrible knot in my throat since he went. regret. i wish i was holding him in my arms when she did it. she didn't tell us he would fall asleep in just a few seconds. i didn't like her. she wasn't gentle. she was short and rude. she wasn't what the emergency vet said. they said she was so this and that. she wasn't. she rushed. she didn't explain the procedure. she just did it. this isn't helping like i thought it would. usually writing helps... i'm going to go read and push this back like with penguin and hopefully it wont come up again for many years and years and years when choli and dexter die of old age. maybe the problem is black and white cats. i am cursed. they are cursed or i am idk. but i have had 3 and they all die in horrible ways that i couldn't prevent. Sebastien, Penguin and Moose. maybe its cats. maybe we just shouldn't have cats. maybe we need a dog. or a baby. or each other. idk.
Sebastien:
Penguin:
Moose:
