This is weird... writing in sit diary again. It feels like forever and also like it never went away. I have to write down my thoughts or i lose them. i've been using a diary app on my phone but i hate it. when i write on paper i misplace them. i end up with a bunch of papers with no dates because i forget to date things... same with regular diaries. and people i know could open a diary an d read it.. not many people i know know about this diary so thats why i like it mostly. so much has happened. o poop. tim is home with food so to be continued.--------------------------------------------------------------------well its tuesday 1am/ feels later. i started this days ago but its been gone so long i keep frogetting to continue..I'm so exhausted lately. and overwhelmed but the good kind. the getting stuff done kind. so much is happening rihgt now. like i went to school . smc. and that was good/ have a 4.0 gpa. but had to take the semester off because in decembe tim got fired. for something stupid. and we were doing pretty bad for about a month. but then he got an interview at the gas company and that went great and they offered him the job. its been a long process tho. i think his interview was in january and he just heard this week about the offer.we're actually in tehachapi at my gramas house because he has the job offer meeting in bakersfield in the morning. bakersfield is where the job is and it scares me a little. the crime index in simi is like 70-80 . thousand oaks is considered one of the safest places to live in the usa and has a crime index of about 60-70. bakersfield... 400 something. uhg. i mean i know it should be fine and my grandma goes there all the time.. but shes not going door to door.. shes in public places. and its not just the nice parts.. installing digital meters. if it was a meter reader job we probably wouldnt have bothered. they said usually everyone has tp start as a meter reader but for this they didnt have enough people within the company experienced enough or whatever. so he was able to skip that step. which is great because meter reading is part time and this is full time with benefits. and being a part of a big company was a goal of ours so we can get insurance and benefits for when we have kids. whenever that is.. maybe I'll write a new entry for that stuff. anyways so we're going to be moving closer to bakersfield for this job. we knew we didnt want to live in bakersfield. so we decided to do tehachapi since i have some family here. and its cheap. so we've been getting our place ready to rent out. its been okay.. we have time since the gas companies process takes a while we have 2 months before he even starts training. we're a little behind schedule but only becaue we decided to do the counters and paint before the floors. my mom and brother suggested we do it like that and it makes sense. less clean up. i guess i was thinking in terms of most imoportant but we're doing those things anyways so it shouldnt matter what order. i want to write more about that stuff but i'm too distracted by other thoughts..its weird spending more time with my grndma... a few things are bugging me about her and if we move up here i know they will just bug me more. i always knew she was a person to dismiss anything confrontational but i am seeing what a hypocrite she is. she is a huge hypocrite and it pisses me off. and i used to think she didnt like me. and then it was just a family joke... my cousins would be like "yeah grandma hates you" and we'd laugh because it was so horrible it was funny or idk why it was just funny at the time. but its not funny anymore and i am not a kid anymore. i see things clearer. i can sense when peopel have a problem with me. oh sure on the surface its all smiles hugs and cake. but she has thing way of making me feel worthless. like my mom but different. idk. she fostered my cousins and i guess its understandable she cares for them more than as just grandchildren.. but shes the same with my aunt airenes kids who she didnt foster and with jason and amelia...and that leave me. i know i am awkward. i know its hard for me to get close to people. even family.. sometimes especially family.. but is that an excuse? all she does is talk about corina alisha and manuel... all the time. and she knows im not speaking to manuel because he is a pervert and did very bad things to a 13 year old girl and getting his 17 year old gf pregnant.. and shes sitting there going on about making a blanket for his baby. a baby girl! and im so angry for so many reasons because hes so irresponsible and stupid and smokes and drinks and lies and steals and molests peoples sisters and it doesnt make sense.. here we are wanting a baby so badly and this terrible person is getting a baby girl. and she is the first great grandchild. it wasnt supposed to be like this. i thought if anything jason would have one before me.. maybe even renee.. but manuel with some random 17 year old girl.. i know it is stupid and maybe selfish but i wanted the first baby.. but it isnt selfish. i guess its how you look at it but it doesnt feel selfish.. i just wanted it because i was the black sheep in my family amongst my cousins. there is always a favorite and i guess there had to be a least favorite. i knew the first great grand child would be the most favorite. they would never feel how i felt. theyd always feel loved.. it wouldnt eve cross their mind. anyways it just sucks. it also bugs me that she builds them up so much. manuel and alisha.. people doing nothing and just being stupid and ridiulous and she says nothing but good things about them.. even tho manuel is living with his gf and having sex... she says nthing about it. hes still wonderful.. but when i was living with tim and not having sex... i was lying and a terrible immoral person. she brings up corina and says she got a job back at the pizza place.. all proud. and thats fine.. im glad she did too.. but then later in the conversation she says to me... so will you get a job or keep taking it easy? taking it easy? I was going to school and getting all A's thank you... and i am working . and i had been looking for a job it wasnt by choice its freaking hard. and i've been doing freelance. oh and by the way i have a freaking condo to rent out and get ready and wtf . and she never even asks what i do even tho ive told her many times what its called she never cares to find out what it is. aparently its not as impressive as making pizzas or stealing from her purse like manuel does. taking it easy. basically saying being a freeloader. um no. i am not . i am not saying anything about it... but if she wants to call anyone a freeloader there is a long list before she can start pointing the finger at me. its like she has to even us all out. knock me down and build them up/ but i dont need her to tell me i am better than a child molesting sociopath. i know i am. it just pisses me off because sometimes i just want to scream at her and i know i cant. for some reason it is considered wrong to scream at old people. happy thoughts...oh the other day we cancelled our tv, phone and internet. idk why people have landlines anymore. or tv... we got an hdmi cable and steam all our shows now. we also bit the bullet and bought a laptop. a web developer without a laptop is like a painter without a brush. it finally because a necessity. and i love it. on it right now. its a lenovo ideapad p400 touch and its pretty and black. we were at best buy for like an hour going thru everyyyyyyyyyy laptop and both decided we liked this best. we asked the opiinion of an associate and he suggested an asus. and the reasons for it make no sense now... i think we were tired but it made no sense since the lenovo was a better system and only $20 more. and touch screen where the asus was not. windows 8 was made for touch screen.. we had the asus 3 days before we took it back. mostly because the keyboard and touchpad sucked, the sound was weird, it got dirty fast and something we found out after getting the lenovo is that it didnt work properly with some programs including sound for the tv even tho it was thru an hdmi cable. and a lot of simple things were made complicated. lenovo was just such a better choice. asus yuck. well its pretty late. tim has to be up at 7:15. i'm supposed to get up and iron his shirt. but idk if that'll happen.anyways hopefully things go better tomorrow with grandma but really i dont care.. im gonna say something next time. i will go crazy if thats what every interaction with her will be like living up here.