My sleep pattern is so bad. And so is Casey's so it makes it harder to get back to normal because we stay up and play cod or watch movies together on xbox. So i slept until like 3pm

We hung out with Sal and Stephnie and Mike and Laura at Sals place. First time we've really hung out with Mike and Laura as a couple. I like laura, she's really nice and they don't like mike and becca so that's cool. We had hamburgers. Paige said "frog" and it sounded like the f word. And we told them Dexter was awesome so we watched the first episode with them and they liked it.

When we got home, Tim went to bed because he has to wake up early. I watched some "How I met your mother" because i told Casey I would. and i hate to say it, it doesn't suck. Grrr.

On my phone I have this period app that like logs my cycle and stuff. So i started my period today and decided to log it.. I know its been a while since my last period but I had no idea how long. its been 53 days!! 53! EFFING! DAYS! yeah. so i did what I always do when I need answers.. and asked wtf was up on yahoo answers. One person said it sounded like pcos. and gave me a link. so i went.. not knowing what pcos even was.. i have the symptoms. Pcos is a like ovary disease. And it makes it really hard to get pregnant and easy to have miscarriages. We were talking about kids today. in the car on the way home. I want kids. I know i should see a doctor to get this confirmed before i get ridiculous and dramatic but, i already know its true. and we dont have health insurance right now so i cant anyways. i knew i wanted kids early for a reason. i felt the need to have a baby when i was young. i know i am still young but i wanted a baby at like 19-21. young i know and i dont recommend it to everyone, and i had my doubts but i had a gut feeling like i needed to. but people were like "wtf no why wahhh.. thats too young.. you're too young.. that's ridiculous..etc etc" . i know now that i should have listened to my instincts instead of the standards of people.. people that arent even in my life anymore. They cared SO much to convince me not to.. but not enough to be in my life. Next year. I wanted to start trying next year. and now I'm scared. Is this because i have said and laughed at dead baby jokes? Its only a joke. Its like when people say jew or black people jokes.. its so horrible and wrong that you laugh out of shock. not because its actually funny. I know its stupid to think that that would be a reason for this but idk...

Casey said Jefri looks old. :( old.. I dont want him to get old. If the above is true about pcos.. jefri is my baby. Jefri has been with me since 18. I love Jefri :( I don't remember how it feels without Jefri. That week a few years ago when he got out of the porch and ran away for 3 days.. and i put up flyers and junk.. i was so upset. But i knew i would get him back for some weird reason and I did. so i wasnt as upset as i would have been if i didnt have that feeling. cuz if i didnt.. i'd be a mess. and he's a bunny. if its true about pcos.. that's a baby. a part of me and timmy. And it wouldn't just be me losing a baby, tim would too. I can't do that to him. I've put him through enough. what if we can never have kids. What if we try and every time it doesn't work out.. what if the pcos gives the baby weird birth defects.

its weird. i was really upset earlier just thinking about it. i cried and talked to casey about it. now. i dont feel anything. like im numb. like i knew it would happen almost because these sort of things seem inevitable in my case. there are lots of kids that need a home.. not how i picturedt things. but. adoption doesn't sound so bad.