i exercised all night so i could be tired earlier but. its almost 4. oi. why do i stay up so late? Im breaking out like crazy,. Im so stressed out. i made an appointment at Cruz's for friday. I'm getting really fat. So i made an eating plan thingy and im sticking to it until I lose 15 lbs. I'm 115 right now.. urg. that doesnt seem like a lot to a girl 5'10'' but its huge for 5'1''. im huge. i like when timmy plays his guitar. he stopped for a while. i want to put our pictures together in a slide show from babies to engaged.. but i need his pictures. i asked him to ask his mom to send some but i dont think he wants to. cuz she'll ask why and he'll have to say what its for.. for our wedding. and i think he's hesitating cuz he doesnt want them to know. i mean they know were engaged but not planning anything. but he says he wants them there. actually. thats a lie. he said he wanted them there. but a couple days ago i guess he changed his mind again and wants to do the san francisco thing. which is cool too. but i dont know if its because thats really what he wants or if its because that way he doesnt have to tell his family so soon. or ever lol. i mean he didnt tell them we were engaged. they found out from word of mouth. from aaron or something. and he just confirmed it and counted that as telling them. idk. i just thought it would be a cute idea. the slideshow thingy. how did chicago get on my itunes? bah. he said they need 2-3 months notice. and we havent actually decided on san francisco. its an option. but so it a small wedding with guests and he whole thing.. and if its an option and they need 2-3 months notice... and he said the latest would be august.. dont u think he should have said SOMETHING to them by now..? i think so. I've already talked to him about this.. i dont want to be a nag. is it nagging if he reads it online? heh. Its not like I'm forcing him to read this.. I dont really think he does anymore. I tell him everything ahead of time and im sure its boring and repeatitive. butanyways back to the point.. i just really think he should have said something if he's seriously thinking it's happening. it just keeps getting pushed back more and more and more and more. and im starting to think its not because i cant find a location. because i mean i could pick one tomorrow for as early as mid august. its not hard once i figure it out. but i dont even know what to do cuz i can shecdule anything if he doesnt talk to anyone. bah. and i had this thing planned for him but if he doesnt even tell him dad and family about us planning stuff.. it would be awkward. cuz i kinda wanted to plan something for his bachelor party for his cousins and brother and dad but i cant just call up his dad and be like "oh by the way, for the bachelor party, i was thinking this... would u like to participate?" if he doesnt even know.. itd be awkward. i mean it would be awkward in general. i actually would probably just call up one of his cousins but thats not the point. cuz even if i did call his cousin and his cousin called his dad, his dad would be getting a phone call.. and it would not be from timmy. bleh. unless he does. a few weeks ago, he said to me "guess what phone call i made today" and i was thinking "you called ur family and told thhem we're planning a wedding blah blah!" and then he said "i called pastor damion". and i was happy. i mean thats great. I mean. I am really happy he would do that. i know how hard it was for him. and im sure he's feeling kinda vulnerable right now considering he hasnt gotten a phone call back. im proud of him. but i just got really excited thinking he called his family. and it wasnt like going from a 10 excitement to a 1. cuz clling pdk was like a 9. so i was still excited. but yeah. cuz i know we need a wedding officiant. its important. but i think the guests are a little more important. especially his parents. idk. it just kinda sucks right now. getting closer and closer. and i feellike im the only one taking this seriously. i cant do this all on my own. im having a really hard time. i asked if he could look into honeymoon stuff and to help me do cake/dessert testing. i figured that'd be fun. and he hasnt looked at anything online but guitar tabs and tools.and thats cool. but then he sits there and stares at the screen sometimes and says "the internet is soo boring, theres nothing to do". and im thinking.. honeymoon? but ive already told him so he must know on some level and just chooses to ignore it. im not going to be my mother. im not a nag. i wont be. so if he wants to fine. and if not. screw a honeymoon. who really needs a honeymoon? ahg. timmy isnt just the kind of person who diliberatly dissappoints people. he tries hard to make me happy. he's quick to correct or apologize, even when im the one who was being a jerk. and im sure he's either oblivious. or theres a really awesome reason why these things are happening like this. i need to express how i feel but to anyone besides me who reads this... which is like me.. ha.. i dont want anyone thnking craziness of him. i just need to vent. and i would need to vent even if he was perfect.. well maybe not as much. and he nearly is so i really should just shut it. i write a lot. i suck.