Separate togetherness. I watch too much sex in the city. but honestly.. that line is sticking in my head. its not like timmy and i are not together every day. as soon as he gets home we spend the day.. in close proximity. but a lot of the time its separate rooms. we'll walk by and ask what we're doing or kiss and cuddle for a minute and then resume what we were doing.. ok sometimes were attached at the hip. sometimes. but. i feel like a frat brother. well not really.. actually nothing like that. theres no beer or bongs or babes and definitely no football. but he's always tired. all we really do is watch tv. he doesn't look at me the same as he used to. especially this past month ish. i saw a passion for about a month after we got back together. the same sort of passion like when we first first met. i guess you cant have the wow factor everyday. i just feel like everything i do annoys him lately. and i should take the hint by now but i continue to well.. attempt to flirt.. in vain. what gives? I think about the phrase 'you want what you cant have' and try to apply it by not doing anything.. but it doesn't really matter because he doesn't react to anything. he wonders why i am so insecure and i think I'm ugly or at least I think he thinks I am because sometimes I actually think I look okay.. even pretty. ish. i used to be somewhat confident and i liked myself. I'm not going to lie to myself and say I am not needy. I know who I am.. and I am pretty needy.. most girls are and most passionate people tend to be. most. because we're chalk full of emotions. sucks balls but it happens.. so i know i am a lot to handle.. i need constant verification and I know it so I try to cut him a break for the most part. but come on.. you're with a person long enough you should know by now. i mean I have learned stuff. like all men need sports. like sometimes tim will pee on the seat and theres nothing i can do about it. i know he doesn't respond to the silent treatment because he'd prefer it that way. but is it too much to ask to be adored?
oh yahoo. how you toy with my delicate emotions. psh. stupid yahoo and its stupid featured videos. today was "women who were left at the alter" or whatever. i watched it and one of the women said that both people should be overjoyed about getting married. she was so overjoyed that it covered his anxiety. maybe that's what I've been doing. Maybe timmy hates me and he just can't seem to get rid of me. Don't actually think these things.. but it feels like it sometimes.
its 5:05am. i should go to sleep but I don't want to. i will just lay awake. and he will just sleep. and then wake up and go to work. completely clueless.
I've been absolutely sure I was supposed to marry tim for like 2 1/2 years. sometimes i get a little worried. mostly as the date gets closer.. I'm not used to always having to pursue. I mean I am now.. but I know what its like to be pursued. sometimes I wish i didn't so I wouldn't care so much. but I enjoyed it and its how it should be. and its not like he can't.. he has. ish. but now.. its like he's thinking.. 'whats the point' sort of. I don't want him to settle. I'm not. I don't think there is anyone else who understands me like timmy. and no one else who's character i admire more than his. I love his heart and his willingness to change for the better. I just don't want to be left at the alter because his feet felt like jello that morning and he didn't know what to do.i have a huge headache.
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