dont read this..

mostly just endless ranting of my aspergers. for venting and documentation.

and writing = understanding.

things have gotten better regarding the whole dierre being a dick situation. jeremy apologized and agreed to talk to me if he has any issues with me in the future and not dierre. needless to say, i dont like dierre now. he sucks. and i hate talking to him let alone working in the same cubicle. but sometimes its inevitable if i need to ask him something. so not that i wouldnt before but now i doubly double check my chimps so i dont make mistakes. less mistakes = less talking to dierre. and that makes it a litte more bareable. still exhausted but have been taking naps during lunch again. they changed the break room so now theres more healthy stuff available. so ive been eating carrots and celery and broccoli everyday this week.

I'm reading "Exiting Narnia" its a book about a girl with Autism written by her mother. Its ok so far. I like it and don't at the same time. I like parts but sometimes i get a weird feeling about it. maybe its because its by a mother and I have so much negativity associated with my own? idk. I just know sometimes it sounds like she's talking about an object. like she's explaining a science projet. instead of her daughter. and in the beginning... idk usually books say "to my lovely so and so because i love you and whatever" stuff like that. but this one just says "to jessy who couldn't speak and has spoken so much of this book". ok well thats not that bad but i guess you have to read the parts Ive read to get it. like how she writes down every conversation they have. probably not all but she is constantly taking notes. since she was a baby. and she files them. and one time she finished writing out their conversation and jessy was like "that will be filed under verbal". idk its weird. on the other side of things, its weird. reading about a mom that is so involved and interested and absorbed and connected. when my own mother is so.... my mother. its hard. sometimes i want to throw the book at the wall because I guess I'm jealous. jessy seems so happy. even with her limitations. but sheis autistic and on top of that she has aphasia. so its hard to overlook. aspergers yeah, you can function for the most part and hide it and get along reasonably well in life. but in so many ways its harder than some of the more challenging diseases and disorders people face just because of its invisibility and complexity and strangeness and vagueness. even after reading books and articles and researching for 2 years... I'm just scratching the surface.

And its funny. Because people think they get it. and even when they listen they aren't hearing it. its not just this or that. its a combination of things. everyone thinks autism and thinks... doesnt talk. everyone thinks adhd and thinks cant sit still. and aspergers.. socially impaired. but its so much more than that. most people with aspergers have at least some sort of sensory integration dysfunction (hyper/hypo sensitivity to certain or all senses). everyone is different and there are so many symptoms of aspergers that one person can be super quiet and shy and cant stand flourescent lights and unexpected sounds and being touched. and another can be super loud and aggressive and cant stand certain odors or sounds and invade peoples personal space. and another still can be seemingly normal and have fluidity of speech but not understand verbal cues and not look people in the eyes and blah blah blah. so many things. people think people with AS cant feel ANY empathy. and although yes I do struggle with it.. i don't think i am completely lacking. I always worried about how i would be as a mother because i dont have that "natural" nurturing thing most girls have. but I think I am lovable. and i can be loving. and i have had pets my whole. and i think thats helped. i associate mothering and nurturing to something in need or a weak or a baby. which is why i don't feel comfortable being nurturing to an adult or peer. and people think thats weird. or maybe they dont but it feels like it. it feel unnatural when i try. my younger cousins have called me "baby girl" and generally treat me like the younger one. and thats fine by me. its how i am most comfortable with women anyways. and its how my closest friends have treated me so its familiar. I don't mind it if its coming from a nice place. but anyways.

the saying comes to mind. the more things change the more they stay the same. and its true in the more i learn the more i dont know. the more i learn about myself i feel the more i am missing. ignorance really is bliss. becoming aware of certain things yes, has helped in so many ways. but its also hurt too. I've become anxious about things i probably wouldnt have been anxious about. obviously a trip to the doctor made me anxious before. but when asked why i could only think.. because i am going to the doctor. i dont know why. going to the doctor makes me anxious. after reading books about the kind of things that make people with AS anxious... explaining the problems with lights and sounds and crowds and waiting and smells and new environments and the unpredictable and new people.... all of this comes from a trip to the doctor. and now i know those are the things that will give me anxiety. and sometimes if i have time to prepare, it helps knowing. but if i don't.. it magnifies it. or something. i cant explain it.

having been 2 years and still not being able to find a doctor reasonably experienced with AS to some degree.. I have been becoming more and more stressed, lost and hopeless. How do others do it? Why do they have so much support and i dont? i love timmy but what is wrong with me that my own family isnt even willing to acknowledge it. my mom said she wanted to learn more and she wanted me to talk to her about it or explain it or whatevre. but every time i would bring it up or explain something... she would take it as me making excuses. when that wasn't the case. in lots of cases it didn't even apply. sometimes i just think everyone without aspergers is crazy. they are the crazy ones, we are normal. But more and more i know this not to be true. how can it be when i stick out like a sore thumb? especially in work environments. and even more so in my job now. Its the largest company i've worked for. and yeah, work has always presents a problem, if not one, another... every time i overcome one obstacle in the work place another presents itself. and with each company it seems the they all derive from the same place. a place i cant really put my finger on. that feeling of being at the tip of your tongue. its social. but its more than that. and to me its undescribable. and frustrating. emensely frustrating. to the point of tears and anger. punching walls and screaming at the top of my lungs in frustration. not everyday. it recycles in my chest. it seems the larger the company the greater the demand for such behaviors as "social ettiquite" and "office politics" and such. I never even heard of office politics before my job at smartquote. luckily i learned enough before getting this job or I would have made horrible mistakes. all my instincts are wrong when it comes to injustice at work. And without the knowledge from my previous employment and the advice of my 1 and only friend at work... i managed not to get myself fired. but i know the situation was still something different than it would have been for someone without AS. And I can't explain why without writing another 500 million words.

oh i just remembered something from the book. one part talks about how jessy hates "politeness". words like please, thank you, sorry, excuse me... she doesn't like to hear them and she doesn't like to say them. They aren't words to her they are sounds. And when i read that it was soooooooo me. Not to the same degree where i will scream like someone cut off my arm. again she is autistic and i am a lot more aware of whats acceptable. I had been notorious in my family for tantrums until late high school and i hate it. so i try to avoid them. i've learned to calm myself and tune tings out so i dont get frustrated. more tune out than calm really. i am trying to make it the opposite tho. but those words less now, more when i was a kid... irk me. they are like nails on a chalk board. ESPECIALLY an apology from my mother. or if someone tells me "what do you say?" I hated that phrase. It didnt make sense but I said what they wanted to hear. If you know why are you asking? And why do i have to say it if you know i don't mean it? I'm only saying it because you told me to and what go is that to anyone? but even now. sometimes when i am having particularly bad days i catch myself (sometimes too late) getting upset at tim for being nice. like asking how my day was. idk why. something about it makes me very angry. not at work, i've learned its rude, but at home i chew gum very loudly but i can not stand when other people do it. just tonight timmy told me how annoying i was being because i was chewing my gum so loud while i was reading.

a quote from the book - the mom recalling a trip to France- "when they spoke slowly, distinctly, in words i knew, about a subject with which i was familiar, i could get the gist of what they were saying. An hour of this and i was exhausted. And this is what Jessy experienced every day. no wonder she tuned out, didn't, couldn't pay attention"... obviously dont have that much trouble understanding what people are saying. especially now being older and becoming more aware. but there are times this applies to me and most of those times are at work/school. basically in any public crowded location where i have to directly and effectively communitcate with people i don't know on a regular basis. it hits me as much as the person i am speaking to like a ton of bricks. seemingly coming out of nowhere. the converation is going fine and then its just. awkward. and then its over. thats a good generalization of it. and we're both left confused. and i know its at what i said or didn't say but i don't know why or what that was until hours maybe even days later. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes finally able to understand a conversation i had a week ago. but its too late to fix it. and its frustrating. I'm not dumb. i can be but i as a whole am not dumb or retarded. i am pretty much as capable as anyone else. with a few missing parts. you cant even tell are missing until you really look closely. i dont know why people are so afraid to understand. is it laziness? coldness and meanness? indifference? Idc mostly but when it comes to my family well all those options suck.

uhg. what a dumb entry. for you. it was nice to get that out tho.

an old close friend from my old church, victoria... added me or attempted to add me on fb. what was she thinking? I'm not her friend. she is the same as all those corrupt jerks at that corrupt church of corruptness. The same church that thought it was ok that a youth pastor was touching me inappropriately. well fuck them. and fuck victoria.

I've been saying fuck a lot when I'm mad. Dierre says it about 600 times a day. Its getting stuck in my head. but it feels right.

we're going paintballing on sunday. idk how i feel about this. ive always been excited for paintball. but after last time.. my fingers still hurt thinking about it. it was snowing and i got shot in the fingers that were in front of the trigger so they got all sorts of smashed. and they were red and purple and blue and swollen and hurty. and i hate paintball masks. always too big. always cant breath.

i texted Casey. idk why. i guess i missed talking to him. i miss him sometimes. he's doing good. thats good. idk what to say about it.

uhg i forgot the main point of this entry and now that i remembered it im too tired to write it out... o well. its about talking to this lady tim met. she said she knew about aspergers and to call her. so i did. but im too exhausted. going to go to sleep.

side note: some researchers have linked AS with dyslexia.. note this entence before i edited it. as i always have to reread my posts to avoid errors. and still miss many....

to the point of tears and angry. punching walls and screaming at the top of my lung frustration

its a small example but i thought worth pointing out. not exactly mixing letters but its related in a way...