having too good a hair to just SIT at home doing absolutely nothing. and ya know. the only thing that kept me home tonight.. a fire. a fire moving compleely in he other direction now. which is awesome for us but still. i shouldnt be sitting at home on my 21st birthdayyyy. I wanna go dancing. not club dancing. just dancing. My hair is so nice and soft. uhg. bbl to elaborate on the day. ----------------------------------------------------- I thought today would be lame. I went to church and it was really nice. hadnt been in a few weeks. and before that.. a long time. and yeah I really needed it. And this time, it wasnt awkward to worship. I wasnt afraid what people thought. I just went for it. felt good. pdk came up and said happy birthday and sorry we cant make it to the party. i turned to manuel and said "what party?" and he was like "he was probably just speaking figuratively." Then. my brother and manuel and meself went to walmart andddd got some random things. And donovan calls and says "are you at your party?" and i dont know what he's talking about and he's like "uh. oh. jeni? oh... i called the wrong jeni." then i got suspicious. so were driving down plum and i look out the window and see elaine and donovan driving next to us. and then i knew. lol why would they go to saugus? so i figured it out. when we got there everyone said surprise but i knew. muahaha it was funny. sal and mike were there. stephnie was sick. and laura was somewhere. i dont think either of them like me very much. i make bad first impressions with girls for some reason. i dont know why. soooo yeah. it was nice to have people think of me. yeah. ----------------------------------------------------- then the fire nonsense happened. i didnt watch the news. but mymom said canyon country was being evacuated. i didnt know where in canyon country i just thought all of it. so i called timmy. i miss him. i jjust wanted to see if he was ok. then we found out it wasnt near him at all. actually closer to us. i called to say i could keep him updated if he wanted.he didnt callback. i think he hates me. i talked to my mom for a while. well. in the beginning i was just talking normally. calmly. about tim and what happened. how thursday was just awkward. and i didnt know what to do. i dont know what it was. we did that thing at the door where u dont know if ur supposed to just say bye or hug or kiss or what.. so we were all like hesitant and we did kinda do a kiss bye. small ones like 2 or 3 but just.. it was weird. it kind of freaked me out. i mean i lived with him so long. we were together EVERYDAY minus a week and half of everything. thats a LOT of time to be with someone. we got really close u know. and it freaked me out to be so awkward with him. i fell apart inside without actually falling apart. i thought i was fine. i told her that and then i didnt even feel it coming. but i just lost it. i just realized tonight.. it was because of the awkwardness with tim. i just wanted to get as far away from here as i could. i needed something familiar to escape this normalcy whch isnt normal. its new and i hate it. it hate that things changed. but i know it was a good thing and its driving me crazy. being home and not being with ttim has to become my normal now. and i cant take it sometimes. i just needed a break. it wasnt even until the fire nonsense that it all came together. i realized how hard it was going to be to get over this. it hadnt hit me before. like not living with him hit me. i cried a lot over that. but not BEING with him. and not BEING engaged anymore. and knowing we might not even be friends aftter all this.. it just hit me. and i hate myself for being so stupid. but i just wanted to go far away. it didnt do what i thought it would. erase everything. make me forget. i just came back to the same place. its so dumb. I dont know why i thought it would make things different. we were going to get married. i mean i dont know. maybe he wasnt serious but for a long time i was. i never thought we would be here. i guess i just realized he probably could eventually be able to stand up for me in the right way, but i dont think it will ever be a need for him. to defend my honor or protect me . i just dont. and he didnt really want to marry me. maybe he did at the very very beginning or the very very end maybe, but the middle was long and it takes toll on you. knowing and pretending not to know. and im sure he sees a lot of things about me that wont change. he said he doesnt think he's really a christian. maybe he never wanted it. and if he did. maybe its my fault. we stoppped going because of me. if we still went things might have turned out different. i dont want to get over this how i usually get over relationships. just block it out. ignore it. bottle it up. laugh at it or get mad at it. make it worse and worse and worse until it couldnt ever be the same again. jump into something else way too early. i dont want that. i mean the jumping into a relationship thing is always like just.. it just happens. but i dont want it. i mean i do. its nice. it always ends bad. i miss him. i want things to go back to normal. or i just want to forget everything. im confused. and to top the stupid sundae with a nice big stupid cherry. i met someone. and he's really sweet and he's a comedian so he's great to have long message sessions and such but.. gosh. another myspace person? seriously? I mean tim is one thing but another? I didnt think he'd be cool. i messaged someone else too. and he was lame and after afeww lame messages he went away to his home town lameville and ate lame for breakfast. and it was great. thats all i wanted. was a breif whatever u call that to pass time. just 'hey. hello. how are you. who are you.. ok cool bye.' and this person i met. just. not very lame. and as much as i try to make him seem lame. it cant be done. its frustrating. and and and im confused. i dont want anything. his name is jason for crying out loud. i cant date a jason. ew. and god, another myspacer? cmon. this is not the romantic love story i was hoping for. we coullllld just not ever meet and just be penpals. yeah. awesome. maybe i should stop talking to him? meh? maybe i shuld stop thinking about him. maybe i should stop thinking in general. i miss tim. i cant help it. i want to talk to him. i wish he cared. i might have turned around and went home. but he never called. and sure maybe it wouldnt mean anything between us but at least i would know he cared. i mean it was my birthday today. it was my birthday weekend and not a call. and no one can say i should have just called him because its always me. i aalllllways just call him. i experimented for once. sorry for being right about his true feelings. it sucks. i want to just feel nothing and fall inlove with nobody and just be alone forever but never be lonely. its to obnoxious to go thru this stuff. i dont know what im doing and tim doesnt. and no one ever does. and its just a big stupid cycle or the same thing over and over until you die. i just felt like he didnt care. i hate going off myspace but.. his mood said mellow after. mellow. even now. like he's perfectly perfect with it all. i wish i knew what he was thinking. but i guess its better i dont. i guess its better if he just hates me. i guess. I was happy. practically most of the day..but. im kind of miserable right now.. im tired. goodnight.