today was Tim's day off. He has 3 days off next weekend woot. we bought Choli a collar. it had this little ball bell thing on it. she did not like the constant noise at all.. so we tied it to a string and its one of her favorite toys. but she plays with anything.. things on strings, balls, caps, Jefri poo lol, reflections, air.. anything.she'll just flip out all of a sudden and run all over the apartment for no reason. we think we have ghosts now.. apparently cats can see things we can't.. dun dun dunnnn.. i saw a cat perch online the other day so i wanted her to have one.. we got a shelf from goodwill and put some padding on it.. it works perfect but i dunno what there is to look at out the computer window.. we opened the sliding door and let her look at Jefri through the screen door. she kept trying to hide and sneak up on him from behind. I'd put her where he could see her but she'd get all low and prowl back and forth.. if she wasn't so... into eating him.. i think they'd have fun playing hide n seek and tag and chase random things on the floor.. and give each other baths and cuddle. they could be so cute. but no they have to be obnoxious. we got them these little stockings. they are like 3 inches tall. pretty freaking cute. i tried downloading the trial version of Flash.. but it wont open :[ might have mentioned before but.. stupid goodwill isn't fun anymore.. the Asians abducted this one too and they have all this new stuff... who wants to go to goodwill for new stuff or almost new stuff and pay like a dollar less than what they would originally have paid. stupid. goodwill is for crap. awesome crap you've been dying to find and now its like 3 bucks. but no.. now everything is what it would be in a freaking store. and worse! no discounts just for being awesome like the old guy.. he was cool. on the up side, there was a crazy man walking around talking to himself about phones and buying new work clothes.. Choli is sleeping. I had a dream that my brother broke my drum set and he bought one for himself and i called Cambria a bad name. and he charged at me but i ran away. and then when they were in his room his new drum set was on the stairs and i took a hammer and hit in a few of the heads. and he comes out and sees and lunges at me. but he's on stairs so i grab his arm and pull him past me and he just flies down the stairs and then i woke up so i dunno.. that would hurt falling like that but i woke up before i could see what happened. its weird.. the dreams kinda symbolic in a way. he did crap to me so i did crap to him. he hurt me. i hurt him. but he is the bastard that started it. and the only difference is that in the dream, i hurt him a lot worse at the end. and in the dream, and knowing its a dream.. it felt good. he's an asshole. everyone is an asshole these days. all this crap I am taking for repeating what my mother said about Cambria. My mother called Cambria a rat face. I said it to piss off Jason not because i think its true. and why did i want to piss off Jason? oh of course.. they many many reasons i could throw out and he did it to me and he hit me and threatened me all the time and i was sick of his shit. and in the past when he has had a problem with me, he'd take it out by making fun of the person i was seeing, so i did the same. the problem... he is the favorite. the golden boy. the poster child? i dunno but of course he has my moms opinion wrapped around his finger. and that means grandma. I am so sick of grandma. she doesn't know what the hell is going on or went on in my whole life but what she's seen. and what is that? when i was a young kid i was a brat and i am the first to admit that. but everyone grows up and she moved away before she saw that. so forever in her mind i am a brat and she has absolutely no respect for me and she can just suck it. suck it grandma. i don't need her opinion. and i don't need my moms acceptance. she is a bitch anyways. and Jason is a jack ass. why do/did i care what the hell these people think anyways? its bullshit and they don't matter. and that good for nothing RETARD Brett can just hang himself for all i care. really, I'll supply the rope. i hate that i felt so horrible over the opinions of these people, or the fact that they would treat me so bad. of course they would. they are all bad people. and i say that with no hesitation. all people are bad with goodness or good with badness. they are bad.. they have some goodness and it comes and goes but overall they are awful terrible waste of spaces. Jason, my mom, grandma, Brett among others who almost got on the list but aren't that bad i guess... are horrible people and i wish i never met any of them. they think abuse it ok. they don't have any consideration for anyone else's feelings. they have no empathy. no common sense. they are arrogant and cold and just plain stupid. i just think its messed up that these people get away with the things they do.. no consequences, no remorse, no conviction in their hearts or whatever lies in its place. maybe my grandma isn't as bad as my mom and Brett and maybe Jason is below those 2. but she condones it and agrees and that's wrong. on every level. we were supposed to go to dinner with pdk and his wife but. no. that would be walking right into a death trap. i am sick of sticking up for myself. i have nothing to prove to anyone and Tim has been here.. he knows what has happened and he sees the corruption. and i can't just walk into misdirected criticism. Elaine is a liar. Donovan is a liar. I stopped emailing Vannessa. we were sending emails back and forth and i stopped and i didn't know why well i kinda did but i am just sick of being bullshitted around out of nowhere by people i care about. seriously everything is fine with someone and then BULLSHIT out of nowhere. i can't take it. and i know i should have said something instead of just stop but i was depressed back then and i mean.. do i really want a friend who didn't care about me enough to keep me around? i thought her being receptive was enough but its not. why should it be? she's even said people have pulled her back when she pushes them away but she didn't respond to me trying to pull her back and when i stopped sending emails it obviously didn't affect her. i am sick of people who can take me or leave me. i am always in someones life, for good. no questions asked. and people just have all these random conditions.. which i understand but most of the time and in my situations, they don't make sense and its like.. "oh you invited your bf to my birthday so now i am going to not be your best friend EVER again and not even hear what you have to say about it" even tho thats not the situation at all. just like jenae. "i vow to be jeni's best friend for life." #1 goal my ass. Brian, Diane, Donna, etc. all of them can kiss my ass. You do everything someone asks of you. You try. YOU try. not them YOU and what happens?? YOU get fucked over. not them. its nice how that ALWAYS seems to happen. You be the bigger person time and time again.. over and over.. its easy because you do it so much... doesn't anyone else know that phrase besides me and Tim? why are we always being told.. in my case who is saying it to.. well everyone i know and in Tims case.. why isn't his family saying it to Aaron? why do these people just get to act as horrible as they want and people just tip toe around them? it doesn't work like that.. when i was young and a brat people didn't ignore me.. they punished me. I'm so sick of people telling me to look at my behavior.. that's all i did for years and guess what?? its not me. especially now. if anyone thinks I am the cause of what is going on now.. or then... they are insane. its her. and jason. and everyone around who does not want to see the situation for what it is. ABUSE! physical and mental and emotional abuse from both of them. well only physical from jason. i am sick of talking to people in the family. i called my aunt mercy the day before thanksgiving and asked for a recipe for a pink desert she makes. and afterwards i am trying to make small talk, and she just jumps right into a whole speech about God and me and my mom have to work things out. and I'm thinking... what? who is she to say anything to me? she doesn't know ANYTHING about it. Someone needs to go throw GOD in my MOTHERS face. and yeah, i got the whole "you need to work things out with your mom" memo... and its easier said than done. especially because i did all i could do. the woman is impossible. I'm not going to dinner with a freaking pastor who is friends with my mom. we almost did. stupid us. we didn't even remember the last time.. we never learn. we forgive too easily. we're so naive. last time we went for a pre meeting for pre marital counseling with Pdk. and it was ridiculous. he just jumped to conclusions about tim, about our relationship. he called it a "highschool" relationship. i don't know what the heck that means... but just because we aren't tearing off each others clothes at the table or what? you'd think that would be more "highschool" ish.. idk what he meant but its offensive and i had forgotten completely. but thats not why i decided not to go. i could take the assumptions and finally set him straight. what i can't take is what happened last time... when in the middle of our PRE MARITAL counseling thing.. he brings up my mom and reals me into talking about her and says "there was a lot of abuse there" and I nod. and he goes "on both sides" and it just pisses me off. he should know. of all people he should know what she is like. it makes me so angry that no one absolutely no one knows how she is. and that feeling drives me insane inside. Tim knows. i thought it would end there but now with the brett thing. i feel it again. like there is something i know and no one else does and who would believe me anyways if i told them? no one. i feel helpless. just like with jay. my mom can say all she wants how she loves me and lie to people she needs acceptance from. but someday someone has to figure it out right? she took me from that church to get me away from jay. but i forgave jay a long time ago for what he did. or mostly at least. but what she has done is so much worse that what he did. she's taken away my family. she's turned my own brother against me. she plants lies in peoples heads. she uses her authority for evil. she is conniving and manipulative and even more so now in the things she does now.. asking me if i want to come over for thanksgiving. fuck you. i am sick of my feelings being pushed aside for your own peace of mind. i am sick of my well being always coming after Jason's. I'm sick of you always having the words to say. shut the fuck up and DO SOMETHING. you know. if i didn't say another word to my mom and Jason from now until they contacted me... we would never speak again. but i am 100% certain that meanwhile, they'd be telling everyone how its my fault. it goes both ways and i was the lst one to do the calling. the last many calls actually. they don't even know how this feels. none of them have felt this way. knowing something and no one believing you. being pushed out of your own family. being told you aren't trying. and then being blamed for it all.being blamed for things i didn't even do.. like stealing money when it was my cousin. a cousin i trusted and who just let everyone believe it and saw how it effected me. knowing how depressed i already was. all this. and having it happen over and over in different situations with different people only somewhat different but really the same. betrayal . repeatedly. over and over. huh. this diary entry really took a turn for the worst didn't it.. i almost feel like making it two entries and separate the good vibes from the bad.. almost... i told tim i would be in bed before 2:30am. its past 5am. i know.. I'm psychotic. i don't want to go to sleep. I've worked myself up for no good reason except that its been a few days since the last time and it just takes less time to build up recently.. i feel like one day its going to be too much and my heart is just going to stop finally. i get this sharp pain and the start of an anxiety attack builds as i write and i have to gasp for air and calm down and then continue.. its not normal. i know my life is not even comparable to so many people who have it worse and i feel even more horrible for even complaining about it. because this is like a grain of sand compared to their beach of problems. but I think writing helps. it always has. i promised timmy i wouldn't cut anymore. I wont. but in the meantime.. i will continue to write the longest most pointless overly self indulgent rants you've ever heard. and with the worst punctuation. heh. i guess the thing that hurts the most is.. they are my family. and the whole boys come and go but you'll always have your family.. Timmy isn't going anywhere.. they did. or blood is thicker than water.. what happened to mine? this blood is diluted.. its fake. there wouldn't be a saying if it wasn't a general concept. a universal theory. so what happened? i get mad. and i have reasons. so many. but I fight. i don't just walk away. even when i have said in the past "i am done".. i come back. they don't. they could take me or leave me... its not right. fighting means you love someone. not physically but sometimes u need to say things that are hard to say.. you have to say what u feel even if someone doesn't want to hear it.. if you don't.. then how can you say you care about them? even after everything they put me through i tried. and they blame me for finally walking away from it. if i stay they blame me. if i go they blame me. they can point their fingers at the splinter in my eye but they don't see the log, the huge huge log in theirs. and splinters are pretty damn small.. i cant stop writing. that phone call with my aunt mercy just really pissed me off and i was trying not to think about it and i guess i just cant help it. i sent jason a message just now. i pretty much just said i am over trying. they can just have a nice life without me for all i care. they are being pathetic to hold on to their little grudges when i have gotten over so much before and after. ok.. i am forcing myself off the computer. i am... i hate when my entries are on the front page.