Wrote that last entry yesterday and fell asleep. My phone hit me in the face. This tends to happen a lot.

Today wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. But I feel strange being here.

I'm just trying to stay in the moment. There's nothing I can do about anything going on right now.

Waiting for my hair to dry. Listening to The Graduate.. band not movie. The movie kinda creeps me out.

There is a picture on the wall of a lighthouse attached to a small house on the edge of a cliff by the ocean... surrounded by forest. That would be amazing. Wake up every morning to the sounds of seagulls. Go to bed every night to the crashing of waves.

People like me shouldn't be allowed to read the bible by themselves. They should always have an interpreter. I take things too literally and I'm just now seeing that some things are just metaphors for life.. not actual situations. Now its all so obvious and I feel ridiculous for thinking othrewise. This would have been helpful earlier on.. I mean I don't blame anyone its not like I told them what I was taking from the lessons. People assumed I was smart enough then because I was in some areas but incredibly stupid and naive in others.

On Saturday we went to Tim's grandma's house and his moms side. The one who can never understand what I'm saying. I try talking loud but it hardly helps and Tim has to tell her what I am saying like an interpreter. We took her car to Tim's dads house because her breaks needed to be changed. He taught me how to do it. I took pictures of the cars in Tim's dads garage and sent them to Brandon and Patrick.. I sent the purple dart and silver GTO and another I forget the name of. I tried to find that mini motorcycle I rode into a ditch that one time but I couldn't find it. I want to ride it again.

Then we went with Tims aunts and grandpa to see his grandpas sister. They said it was a good day to go because he was doing better than he had in weeks and had a lot of energy. They hadnt told his sister he had cancer yet. They wanted to do it in person. It was weird though. We were only there about 30 minutes... maybe 45. She's a funny old lady and really nice. She's going to be 95 this year.. I feel bad that she lives alone.. but I guess she keeps busy.

We stayed at his aunts house and played that dominoes train game. They drink a lot. I drank half a mikes hard something or other and felt weird. I swear they each had like 10 beers each. Tim had 1. I think they think I don't like him drinking or something... but Tim just doesn't like beer that much... and it usually upsets my stomach and makes me weird. I had a headachee all day the next day.. from half.

On Sunday we went to Tim's grandmas again and his mom and dennis and his uncle and aunt and cousin and his family came over. His cousins wife is really nice. And their baby is freaking cute. I got some cute pictures of the baby and Tim's uncle playing on the floor. We ate smothered burritos and watched football. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Especially since I got in a quick nap before everyone got there and slept off most of my headache. His grandma was in a good mood. For the first time ever I heard the question "When are you guys going to have kids".... of course. Luckily I wasn't in the room to answer. I put my headphones back in before I could hear Tims answer. Karen asked us later and I just lifted my hands and shrugged. Tim said something about getting into his new job.. and i guess that's a good enough excuse but its not the reason. His uncles wife dawn marie was being nice. She was nice last time but it was different this time. It didnt feel forced. It felt genuine. She even included me in on the family drama with Chris and his wife.. i guess there is a huge fued going on between her and his wife.. she showed me a bunch of awful texts she received from her... they were crazy.. a lot of the "c" word. I cant stand hearing that word or seeing it. Its the worst word. I've said some bad things to people in my life.. even people who I love. All of these things I regret.. even if I feel justified for feeling certain ways and wanting to hurt them back.. I still feel bad for the things I said.. but they werent even close to what this girl wrote.. and to her husbands mother... it was crazy.

Driving back to Tims moms I saw a double rainbow.

Now we're waiting for Tim's dad and his gf to drive back from the car auction in vegas. Nothing to do right now and its good because I need a break. Its hard enough to have a week of non stop social interaction... but its more stressful with tims family.. and even more stressful right now.. considering everything going on lately. I dont know how to act. I either feel fake or rude. I try to just remain in the moment and not think of the past or future or what might happen... I try to remind myself that I am there for Tim and that's all I need to think of right now.

Easier said than done. But I'm working on it.

At night I am too exhausted to really get anything done.

My stomach hurts grrr.

I have to go do thinggggs.

I miss my guitar. I was playing a little every day... its only been 4 days without it.

By the way... October is a cool month.. not only is it my birthday... but October 10th is also "Hug a Drummer Day". Probably ask first because drummers bite. But yeah you should totally do it... Drummers are like 3 legged hamsters. I had a 3 legged hamster once and she was very nice and wobbled around her cage like a penguin with 1 leg... Or something. IOUs and rainchecks are accepted...

October 21st is my birthday. Well. I know what i want. A few things.. but you cant buy any of it in a store or out. Might as well be unicorns. I want a unicorn. 4 of them. Throw in a trip to Narnia and a vile of fairy dust.

There's always Christmas.