i think i used to be a pretty normal person. but idk. i feel myself going crazy... i am so sick of people doing STUPID things... over and over and over and over and over and never learning.... and every time... an apology or an i love you is supposed to fix everything. not tim... tim is a fast learner so when he screws up or hurts me, its usually unintentional and he usually doesn't do it again. no no.. we're talking about my mother. as always. i'm sick of double standards, as usual. and that everything is supposed to be soo... easy... for her and only her. for everyone else, or at least just me, she has to make everything nearly impossible. conversations, life in general. she doesn't listen. and she thinks she can just say an apology and i am going to magically forget everything and be her best friend or something. uhm... maybe give it 5 seconds. i need time to 1. get over it and forgive you. and a few more to actually be in a better mood after whatever it is she just put me through. but she's like so.. some of the double standards that took place just this last week are: -she can cuss, but no one else can -she is sorry and remorseful for her actions, but I'm not and if i say i am... I'm lying -she can hang up on me but how dare i hang up on her. -she can talk about whatever she wants, including people i care about and don't have a problem with and I'll just LISTEN... but if i try to talk to her, she "can't fix anything" even if i repeatedly tell her i don't need her to, i am just talking... -she tells me i am micromanaging and controlling my wedding, but she has decided pretty much EVERYTHING about it. -when she wants to solve something, everyone has to stop for her... if i want to.. we have to schedule an appointment beforehand.. -she talks to everyone about me and says her side and gets mad at me for talking about her. i haven't talked about her at all to anyone (with the exception of tim, and last weekend when i just didn't care anymore and talked to Alisha about her since she already thinks i do anyways) she has done nothing but be negative and controlling.. my whole life.. in waves.. and this last months has been a peek.. the back handed compliments. the vindictive attitude. the nonsense. o the nonsense. and the ridiculousness.. and the random bursts of... just having to call me things i am not. for no reasons other than to start a fight. i can't even talk about her, she makes me sick. no apology is going to do it. yeah i was a jerk when i called her an f'ing whore. but i have kept my mouth shut all week listening to her call me things i am not. i knew she would get pissed at that, thats why i said it. all week she has said things and then said a quick empty apology or not even apologized just calmed the situation down, only to forget it or belittle it. whatever. btw... has nothing to do with any of that but... i hate myspace couples. you know.. the couples who share a myspace. and it says, and this is just an example... "mike and laura" lol. jk jk. no but serious... its very confusing. how do you ever know who is leaving you a message? are you supposed to guess or... is it like said in unison... its very tricky. well the stuff about my cousin is off my chest. I've said my part and that's all I'm doing about that. she didn't reply.. which is weird... i mean if it upset her she could easily say "thanks but no thanks" or reply but whatev's no skin off my back just an opinion. she can take the advice or learn the hard way. its really sad tho.. being on this side. i remember always thinking the whole "no its not like that" and "no he's different" and actually believing it. i mean granted i wasn't going out with adults when i was just starting high school so it wasn't so.. serious... but i had my moments. you'd think that seeing corina learn the hard way, she'd figure it out. its right there! infront of you! and yet... they always have to learn on their own... not always.. i didn't. not that young anyways. i think, and this is in a secular point of view, i think if you take out the whole beliefs and morals and values and whatknot... i think i was at least, "smart" about the "when" part.. not the how.. because that was horrible... but when.. as in... i waited not until i was in highschool, or out, or 18, or in love... i was 21.. and i got tested before and after. i figure.. if you aren't going to have christian values or your own moral standards and wait till marriage... at least wait until your old enough to drink lol. damn. but then, they are doing that too like its no big deal so.. i guess, what do you expect? what really pisses me off.. this kid isn't worth it. its not the age thing either... i mean thats a huge.. huge part of it or the biggest part. but as tim said, seems shady. and he's saying crap to manuel.. her brother. if anything, he should be trying to impress her family.. given the situation.. and if he can't do that he should be keeping his mouth shut and leaving that between manuel and alisha. or whoever and alisha. but of course... this will only fuel the fire and make her feel like she has to protect him and that will thus bring them closer and create something worse. but he isn't coming to my wedding. thats for sure. (if there even is a wedding)i said she could bring a date like.. a friend.. not this kid.. i thought he lived in Arizona. I'm really pissed off with my aunt right now. i tried to do my invitations. i dont want to. i dont like them. they look stupid. and i cant tie the freaking bow right. and i the address is wrong and she keeps sending me the same one and i said it was wrong like 5 times.... why would i call and ask her for the address when she saw i had one on the website and then give me the same one? but thats what i have to deal with. ------------------------------- i screwed up my entire wedding website. i thought it looked fine.. but then i remembered.. crap... what about other browsers and other resolutions? and i was like crap crap crap because i didnt design with that in mind.. at all.. i was in such a hurry. and so i looked at it on IE and it was ok for the most part... cept the most important parts. and at different resolutions... horrible. uhg. now i have to start from scratch. crap crap crap. u know whats super uber annoying? jason. non brother jason. lol. that sounds weird.. because it is. but yeah, he is the devil. its like.. why the heck is he on soo late.. what's he doing anyways? i mean, i have insomnia, whats his deal? does he like.. have to work and stuff? maybe he got fired for having sex with virgins and not calling them again or asking them out or being a jerk and calling them retarded.. and other things... as i recall, he didn't even like aim so.. what gives? probably going around having sex with some poor girl but keeping her at a distance so he can doooo whatever he wants with her. he is the worst non boyfriend i've ever had. well the only.. because all the other guys i was involved with were man enough to date me before getting serious.. or before anything really.. what a joke. still pisses me off thooo. dunno why. dont care. just does.. am i still typing? lol and to clarify, i dont mean literally having sex while he's on aim.. that'd be weird.. and i'm assuming kinda impossible... and rude... omg.. just realized... its been almost a year since.. yeah.. him... weird. really weird. Lyrics to I Survived : This is goodbye After months of situating I can finally leave this sorry town behind And I'm alright When they ask for me My friends can smile and tell the world That I survived As I'm about to leave I've filled a million empty pages Passed my word and do my best to sing So what do I need Something could become of those Who think and talk and live like me I don't want to die today I want to live and love and write it down I can live a life of dreams And be greatful I'm around This is goodbye After months of careful planning I can finally leave this dried up town behind And I'm alright Yeah, this used to be our city This used to be our only light I just want to walk away I want to write but there's a consequence That all my friends read everything I do and I say I don't need a razorblade All I need are sounds of ecstasy And I won't die today Yeah, I'll be living, loving, writing down And I'll live a life of dreams And be greatful I'm around bored...