Listening to: new found glory
Feeling: outraged
haha i didnt know orgasmic was a mood option.. thats funny.. i hope no one is offended. and its not true i swear. and um lol i dont think you'd be writing in an online diary if you felt orgasmic...
I got one hour of sleep last night. o man. im pooped.
i was thinking and...
why did he even ask? why'd he want to know what i was thinking so badly? or how i felt about it? why? He said "were back to this" and he made it sound like it was my decision. but it didnt matter anyways. His mind was already made up. I just wish he would have just done it instead of talking to me for hours about not being sure and trying to get me to talk. I wish it was just like "hi.. how are you?.. great... oh guess what... im breaking up with you... and heres why..." I mean he knew. He knew thats what the result would be. I think he was waiting for me to do it. He wanted to. I can tell. I can and I just wish he wouldnt have tried to act like he didnt know. cuz you dont go into a conversation like that completely clueless and unsure and the *poof* you just all of a sudden know.. and your making a decision like breaking up with someone.. you cant.. I dont think seans a very impulsive person. if he were then i could see him doing that but no... he knew. I guess thats why im upset. Idealist.. why say those things? why beat around the bush and give someone false hope? At least when i broke up with brett i told him in the beginning of the conversation what was happening.. right off the bat you know? and THEN stated reasons for my decision. not the other way around.. its not fair. you think you have a say but you dont. you think youre going to or could make such a difference. But really your just helpless in the whole sheme of things. like my opinion in the matter really would have counted.. It was done before it started. I cant even.. i dont know... i want to fight it.. i want to call him and try to convince him to reconsider... but i know that it was a good decision. and i know it doesnt matter. it would all be in vain. i know a contributing factor in all this.. no matter how great or insignifigant sean says it is.. is what happened with brett. and crap. crap and a half man. as if nothing else could go wrong... i just remembered the stupid letters. yeah.. a couple days ago i wrote sean a letter.. just a dumb letter. and 2 other letter type things.. and i put them in the blue mailbox last night before talking on the phone with him. and i dunno. its gay now. ah. i hope they get lost in the mail. i really do. oi. its not like i get embarrased easily but i think ive had my fair share of embarrasement for today. i can only take so much. walkig at coc.. and i tripped over a crack infront of a buttload of people. i looked pretty retarded. i didnt fall but i dropped my ipod and i dunno who cares about that but yeah and i miss him. Why did he say things.. like i love you and i miss you and beautiful this and that and just.. blah i thought things. i guess im a little naive to actually have thought he could still want to be with me. maybe if he were honest with himself he could just simply say "you kissed brett. and i cant be with you" but he said that it had nothing to do with that and that he forgave me and its in the past and blah. is this some twisted kind of revenge? cuz if it is.. i dont like it. It wasnt even in person. How pathetic am i? im not even good enough for a real break up. but i guess this is better tho.. breaking up.. cuz now people wont tell him he's dumb for staying with me. cuz they probably would. well he almost took adams advice. drop it while its hot... like end it while its fresh and everyone pretty much sees it coming anyways... but i was starting to cool down.. got a lil more comfortable and PLOP! ack. if i dont deserve this then why does it feel like i do? hmm? HMMM? lol i actually said that out loud. cant complain.. oi. this is just a phase.. it'll be over tomorrow. see im doing really good. first it was the tears and nonsense.. followed by anger to cover up the hurt... now wonder and confusion... and then denial... and then i'll just finally accpet it all. and be ok to get on with my life. and gosh im already half way there and its only been a day. thats a record im sure. go me. lol maybe im already in the denial phase.. shhh! dont tell yourself.. ves..selves.. elves?
Im not going to work today. Im just gonna wait till tomorrow. wont have anything to do tomorrow. that new shopping center by my house opened up. i think i'll apply at some places over there. oh good. church is tonite. I need it. well i want to go.. and then i dont at the same time. i dont want to have to tell anyone that sean broke up with me.. cuz then they always ask why. but woot. its worship nite tonite :)
off to do bigger and better things..
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my mom called me a freak. thanks alot mom. gosh.
YAY! Jastin wants me to go to her friends show on friday! o man. couldnt have been a better time! yessssssssss. im actually really excited right now.
stopped by myspace aaaaaaaand someone needs to change their "status" no names or anything... *coughSEANcough*... excuse me... im jk. but not really. lol no really i've got 'em in the back... no one knows what im talking about but thats ok...
Im gonna go to church now...
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so church.. was weird but not weird actually. i guess it was both. i was excited cuz it was worship nite tonite.. but i got there and.. i dunno.. i never let myself sing a worship song without reading the lyrics and really thinking about if i mean it.. cuz why sing it if you dont mean it? and i just couldnt get myself to open my mouth, not that i didnt mean what i was reading cuz i did. i just couldnt open my mouth. for a while. and then i did and all was well. sal.. is weird. i think he's mad at me or something. i havent really talked to him.. but during worship he was kinda cryingish i think. but he left before i could ask what was up.. bleh. it wouldnt suprise me if he were mad at me. brett was there. it wasnt awkward like i thought itd be. i guess it doesnt matter anyways. nothing does. after church i asked talya if i could talk to her so were gonna talk tomorrow at 4:30 :)
had a weird talk with elaine.
my mom is crazy.
i really couldnt tell you why but i ended up telling her what happened. i dont know.. i didnt wait to hear her response tho.
pdk saw my myspace. he likes david lol
im really starting to get irritated with the people in integrate.. our college and young adults group.. like.. they are all a bunch of stuck up jerks.. i think i said this recently already but gosh. acknowledge someone when their talking to you.. and dont make it a goal to be a buttface every 5 seconds. its like its contest.. who is the bigger jerk? i think glenn is winning. thats mean and i'd feel bad i really would.. but grr i really dont.
food..
thats it. ive decided to throw away my padded bra lol. cuz i think its just silly.. what do i have to prove anyways? nothing. i didnt wear a padded bra today and it was fine.. lol. i dont care who i just made uncomfortable cuuuuuuuuuz i like frogger... hey that sounds fun...
laying down sounds nice. bbl. unless i fall alseep for goood but i doubt it.. i dont have to be up early anyways.
a line in theory is suppose to go on forever in the direction it is pointed but not a circle thats depressing always going around and around always retureing to the same spot never anything new just reruns that is like some people lives and they dont even know it they live in fucking circles oh my god no circles and circles round and alround back
damn hope youre not too badly hurt
and yea he should of been more direct with it
i havent really been keeping up with your diary so i dont know all the details so yea i really dont know what to say but that you are too good for him anyways and that you should be better off with out him and that dont be sad for tomarrow the birds will sing and the sun will raise and yea
i hope i made you fill little better
anyways
how dare you call me stupid
no one is ever too good for some else
either they are not good enough or they hit something
so what did you do?
i was just thinking.
im fond of doorknob licking too.
we should get together sometime and do some... door knob licking.
ok maybe not.
that sounds bad.
anyways.
just know that i think its a fun sport.
*pees in the bucket*
that what we call "my two cents"
i know the whole bf. break up thing.
mine happened not too long ago.
that sucks.
well. were maybe trying to get back together.
who knows. were still best friends.
as for me and god.
well.
i dunno.
maybe we should just be friends right now.
he seems mad at me.
oh yes.
and my natural act of insanity
is to..
run down the halls like one of those monsterous aliens while flinging my own feces everywhere
its fun.
try it.
i hope you feel better
things will get better its...
orgasmic is a good mood to be feeling...
mind if i add u as a friend?
juss as long as i can call u jeremy... tee hee!!!