I decided to write in here again.

I used to write all the time. Maybe not every day. But regularly. I used to do a lot of things I dont do anymore.

That's all about to change.

My life. Has been. Insane. For better, for worse, mostly for worse but I'm in a place in my life right now that I havent been in in a very long time and thats being able to REALLY see the good in even the most horrible situations. And I think I am here, in this state (of mind), for a reason. As well as being in this state.. of wisconsin.. for a reason.

Years ago if someone had told me I would VISIT wisconsin, let alone live here indefinitely, I would have laughed and laughed... now here I am 2 plus years later. I met Max what seems like a lifetime ago. But it wasn't. Its been less than 3 years. But in that time we've been through so much. In our own lives and together.. and its been so... well its hard to explain in 1 entry. and its hard to explain mostly because although I know God has his hand on my life right now.. I'm not sure what that means. What he is trying to do. I already know he's a part of this. I dnt need to wonder. And I dont care if anyone does or doesnt believe that or in God etc themselves.. I can tell you this much... I'm not afraid of my faith anymore. So to those who dont like honesty or have a weak stomach for God talk, you can probably stop reading now or get yourself a barf bag. I dont like talking about God because it generally made me uncomfortable in the past just because my mother was so in mine and everyone elses face about religion growing up. But Iwas never like that. But this is a safe place to be open about that stuff.

Because of the events of the last couple years, because of my current relationship, and because of experiences of my past that I had no idea affected me in the ways that they did until recently, I have recently been going to al-anon meetings. And its been amazing. There is a force in those rooms that cannot be explained. Its not just God. Its not just a common bond. Its a fusion of those and so many other things. And it has been making a difference.

Not just in my dealings with my current relationship like I expected. But in every area of my life. But I digress. This isn't a public service announcement for a program. But things have been hard. But I'm becoming who I am again and just who I am period. I was looking for help with specific thigns in my life. Help for aspergers. Help with schoool. Help in general. It all started in those rooms.

I wish I had known what a difference this program would have in my life years ago. Maybe it would have saved my marriage. But, as I was talking to my aunt a couple nights ago, its okay that my marriage ended. I couldnt say this and mean it a year ago.. but I am grateful that Tim is happy where he is in life. He was such a huge part of my life for so long and no matter what we went through or will still face in the coming months with this appeal, he was my best friend and a genuine person and I know more than almost anyone on this earth how much he deserves to be happy. And for whatever reason ayear ago, whetehr it was jealousy, or still having residual feelings, or even that unbelievably selfish thought of "he shouldnt be happy until/unless I am happy", I could say I am happy for him but I couldnt believe it. And I couldnt admit it. But without even realizing it, I am able to think of him and his new family and smile and truly believe evwerything happens for a reason. If i think of me back then like I often do with people, put myself as I was then back into the situation and have those same feelings, and focus on those feelings. and obsess about those feelings. i can take the person i was and see that that isnt who i am now. So even though I can feel everything old me would feel, i dont have to feel it as new me. If that makes sense. Imean.. because it is sad. and its ok to recognize that. Its ok that the 28 year old me wanted a family with someone so badly and we never had the chance for so many unfair reasons. It is sad. But i am not sad for where I am today. I have grown and learned so much. I'm so incredibly far from perfect and im far from a finished product but I'm so much better than I was. And I think it has to do with what Ive gone through with max and divorce and greiving old plans and ideas of how things should be.

I think God tried to tell me over and over in so many ways that making plans is good, but dont set them in stone. dont think i have so much power over plans and my life. Work towards something, but. that I have no real say in it all. The darker it is, the easier it is to see the stars.

Okay okay... Anyways...

Max has been sober now since April 1st. Yeah, I hate this sobriety date. "April Fools". Probably the scairest sobriety date someone can actually have lol. Anyways.. 2 days until 8 months! 9 months on new years :) Which is a pretty cool 9 month mark.

Things havent been butterflies and roses just because he's been sober though. Its been EXTREMELY hard. Sometimes it seems like its worse than when he was using. But. There's progress. We love each other. And all you can do is try.

I know a lot of people might hear our story and think i am a moron for bieng with him. But I dont think I'm being stupid or careless. I think the love I've shown him.. and not all the time - I'm not perfect and I make so many mistakes, especially in this because its all so new for me but.. I think the grace and love I've had at times has made a difference. I'm not the reason he is sober. But I do believe I played a part in it. And that matters to me. His life matters to me no matter what happens to us.

I'm going back to school. I feel like such a loser at 31 and still not having a degree but better late than never I suppose. this is my 4th semester and its not going great. the first 3 were good. i did well in all my classes. But this semester. I've had so much to deal with. Kodi. However wonderful he is, it has been hard. Kodi is my samoyed puppy. He's not a puppy anymore. well, he will be 1 year old on December 8th :) He is so big now. I miss when he was small enough I could pick him up. I miss picking him up like a baby. My little polar bear baby :( But as hard as he can be to handle sometomes with everything going on, its also better to have him... people sometimes ask me if i ever think of getting rid of him. There have been days the lasrt few months that he is my saving grace. That he was the only reason I woke up and got out of bed that day. And he is the reason my sleeping schedule remains consistent and normal. He wakes me up without fail every day at 6 - 7 am ... actually lately he's let us sleep in. but he gets me up, he gets me out by NEEDING to go to the dog park. if he doesnt get to the dog park at least once a day he is a giant ball of energy the rest of the day. It gives me exercise and times to clear my head which wouldnt happen otherwise and I would just sit and stare at my schoolwork, overwhelmed and unproductive. He is so much more than a dog. And when I have meltdowns, especially the times, and theres been more than I'd like to admit the last few months.. when max has decided to break up with me.. and im alone and cannot handle it.. he's there. sitting by me. loving me. licking my tears. smiling at me. lol. my smiley dog. I couldnt have picked a better dog. samoyeds ALWAYS look happy to see you. Always.

Well, there's so much more but I think that's good for now. I have so freaking much to do. Homework and I wanted to read tonight from the blue book. i also need to look for a place to live because right now we are staying at a friend of maxs. Too much to explain in an entry and I probably wont get into it anyways but its just been a crazy month. HOpefully as we do what we need to, things will continue to settle down. They already have.

We had a good day today. When I love myself, its easier for others to love me also. When I dont let my fears overpower my thoughts, its easier to see the whole picture and live in the moment. When I live in the moment, I find more peace in myself and apprecaition in him. This week I've seen myself clearer, and its scary and hard. And I've also seen him clearer.. and can be more understanding.