today might be nice. gonna go to lunch with pm. then school. then coc maybe if it doesnt close or something. then watch anchor man cuz i havent watched it all the way thru yet. gr. great. an ok morning turned to shit. i dont care. jeni cussed big deal. i dont care anymore. my mom is a moron. she knows everything that goes on and she still acts like that. i'll write in this later. _________________________________________ hi again. my tummy hurts. my heart hurts. sometimes. out of nowhere i just want to die. and i always have this overwhelming feeling to cry. like when you have a lump in your throat.. only, this pierces thru my whole entire body. pulsing in every vein and nerve. and I could cry at any second. so sometimes I just let go and I start to cry.. cuz it seems like the easiest thing to do. but right at the verge of tears... and the feeling in my body spreads... and pain is at its climax.. my eyes start to water and then.. it just stops. out of nowhere. and i cant cry and im just stuck there with this pain and watery eyes. and no tears. i dont know. i cant really explai it. i tried. but it happened tonite. out of nowhere. And i dont know why. maybe just everything. i know all this pain wont go away over night. i think thats what i was expecting... and it hurts. and im just a stupid girl. i talked to pastor marty today. told him everything. and it took a long time. so he didnt have time to give me advice.. but he is going to call me. i really hope what he has to say will help me in some way. or help anyone involved in the situation... tomorrow im going to take a shower in my moms bathroom cuz they fixed the leak. woot. havent taken a shower in there in forever so that might be nice. maybe I'll take a shower with my clothes on. I did that before and its a huge stress reliever.. for me. I dont really know why... after lunch with pm i went to school. took a test and then i waited to get picked up. kelly mcfarland was waiting outside for jonathan. i sat in her truck and talked for a while. she brought up how she was going to be moving soon. into a mobile home type place. not exactly a mobile home but kinda. and they are looking for 2 roomates... a friend of kelly's and.. me. thatd be really great if I could do that. I love the mc farlands. they are so.. eccentric and differernt. and she said a normal single bedroom would cost around $350, but she said we could negotiate.. and i didnt even ask her to negotiate. so Im thinking I could talk her down to $300 or a little less even. And thatd be awesome. only i dont where I would put my drums.... thats the only obstacle. and my mom loves kelly and jonathan so i think itd be good. best option so far. but not for a while.. a couple months at least. anywho.. i think thats all. i hope the freeways clear and stuff. Ive been worried. uhg. ok. im done. i saw nick at school today. he came and talked to me. he wants to jam still. i dont think that'll ever happen. just conversation i guess. ew dr laura is on el tv, gross. ....you know its hard. you know im trying. to understand. to do whats right. i dont like to see you crying. and i dont like it when we fight.... -mxpx