Listening to: brand new- sic transit gloria
'...the station where the act becomes the art of growing up....'
I am probably the most.. confusing person.. in the world. THE WORLD.. to myself.
heh. gah. I feel like i dont even have emotions anymore. I feel numb. I mean. I really like jason. I really really.. obviously like him a lot. a lot. so like, like is an emotion i suppose. but everything else.. blankedy blank blank.
Last night I went to pasadena to see across the universe with jason. he hadnt seen it and i knew he'd like it and i liked it and it was playing at the $3 theater so how perfect is that? I got there a little late so i told him to go in. And when i got there the guy only charged me $1 :) cuz I'm cute lol or something.. maybe he cant count. but I'm going to pretend it was cuz Im cute :) yeahhhhh...
in other.. less obvious news...
heh.
if we didnt have sex before.. we definately have now.. for sure. no joke. it was.. amazing-ly painful. ha no it was... well its personal and I dont wanna go into detail because thats just silly... but... I had sex.......... its weird. not like before weird when i wasnt sure if it happened or not.. now i know and.. its... exciting and terrifying at the same time.. for numerous reasons.
uhg but seriously.. i dont know what to do. I have mixed thoughts on it. like part of me is like ok... its ok... its just sex right??... and then part of me is like HOLY CRAP! WHAT THE HELL!???!?!? WHY AM I SO STUPID?? When have I eVER thought of sex as "just sex"??? i mean. im crazy. I am. i wanted it to be for my husband. and. I mean Im not even to a point with him where Im thinking "he might be" Im still in the thinking stage of "he might not be". And if taunts me. because we're not even going out.. we decided to stop the physical stuff... aaaand had sex instead. yeah.. i think it was my fault. i shouldnt have gone there in the first place. but then i think "fault" it wasnt like i murdered someone. and i know a lot of people who have happy marriages and such who have had sex before. but. i kind of wanted to be different. its been a desire. to save it. but. i couldnt stop. and then i think.. gosh.. I was with tim 2 years and didnt have sex.. i'd go on and on about our self control.. maybe it was tim with the control all a long. maybe i've always been a stupd whore.... no. no i stopped it tooo. but still. whats wrong with me?
I just.. like himmm.
a.
lot.
annnd wrightwood is pretty.
I almost didnt have enough monies for gas.. jason gave me some for a couple gallons. which was awesome.. i counted out $11 but the guy counted $10 and i was like what the heck.. i swear he took $1 from my $11 cuz i counted it like 10 times. But I just blew it off and said thank you anyways. And then I get to the pump and i'm filling up and i guess he felt bad and put in 5 extra buckies. what a great example of a change of heart lol. now i have extra gas yay.. hehe my car is bloated...
Im kind of scared. We live far awayish.. and he's busy with school and work and shows and family and friends and life and soon I will have all those things making me busy and thennnnnn.. when will we see each other? he's atually the one who brought it up. it just got me thinking.. yeah... what then? whaaat theeennn?
i hope it was because of me. I hope Im not just filler. gosh thats an awful thing to say... I dont think thats what i am. but its hard not to just assume certain things when people, myself included, have done those kinds of stupid things to people.. maybe without even realizing it at the time...
hmm.
i need to clean my room and do stuff.
Im in a Boys Like Girls kind of mood right now.. I love them muchly.. here are some songs/ lyrics that eprtain to meee...
Boys Like Girls-
Holiday
When I was younger I used to be wiiild
As wiild as an elephant's child
No one could hold me down
No one could keep me Around
Now it's your turn,
tAke a shot
Baby,
show me everything that you got
Maybe you can keep me alive
Maybe you can gEt in my miiiiind
But it's only a mAtter of time
BEfore I rUn faaaar aawaaaay
I need to take a holidaaay
Maybe it's a fall from graaace
I gotta find a new plaaaaace
AAAAAAA hooooolidaaaaay
I'll set off on a neeeew chaaaaase
I gotta see a neeeew faaaaAce
I need to take a holidaaaaaay
My father, he wAs always wise
As wise as an elephant's eyes
He couldn't hold me down
HE couldn't keep me around
So are you gonna tAke your shot?
It's the only one that you got
Maybe I'll go out on a limb
Maybe I'll jump In.. for a swim
Mmmm..
When the lights go dimmmm
You know I'll rUn faaaaar aaaawaaaaaay
I need to take a holidaaay
MAybe it's a fall from graaaace
I gotta find a neeew plaaaaaace
AAAAAAAAAA hoOOOolidaaaaay
I'll set off on a new chaaaase
I gOtta see a neew faAace
I need to take a holiday
(Need to take a holiday)
A-whOaOh
whOaOh
whOaOh
whOaOh
AAAA nEeew staaaart
IIII've broken tOO many heaaaaarts
And I don't have aanny cluuuue where to go
I don't know
But maybe I'll be back someday after my holiday
When I was younger I used to be wiild
As wild as an elephant's child
And I don't think I'll ever change
I think I'm gonna stAy the same.
I'll ruuUUun Aaawaaay
I need to take a holidaaaaay
(Need to take a holiday)
Maybe it's a fAll from graaace
I gOtta find a neew plaaace
AAAAaaA hooOOOoliday
I'll set off on a nEw chaase
(Set off on a new chase)
I gOtta see a new faaace
I need to take a holidaaaaaaaay
(Start.
I've broken tOO many heaaarts
And I don't have any cluuue where to go
I don't know.
But maybe I'll be back someday after my holidaaaaay)
ALLLL of the wAsted time
ThE hours that were left behind
ThE answers that we'll never find
They don't mean A thiiiinnG tOniiiight.
not sure if this song sends the wrong message. but I can relate in certain ways. maybe not really in the same ways it relates to the writer but even sooo... i like it.
Dance Hall Drug
All I'm saaayin is doooo yoou,
Do you want to lose it all?
'Cause this is more than just a dance hall drug
You can't wait to fall in looooooove
All I'm saying is do you,
do you want to learn to fly?
Then you should pack it up and saaay goodbyye
Cuz when the push comes to the shoove
its just a dance hall drugggggggggggg.
hmm I'll finish this later cuz I have more lyrics to post..
but i'm gonna go hang out with Sally for now.
ok bye.
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ok more lyrics...
Five Minutes To Midnight I love love love this song. I hadnt heard it till today.. which is weird because its been on my ipod forever.. it gives me a fuzzy feeling all over z place.
Brown eyes and lungs are filled up with smoke
Fast lives are stuck in the undertow
But you know the places I wAnna gooo
'Cause Oh Oh Oh,
I've got a sickness
You've got the cure
You've got the spunk I've been lookin' for
And I've got a plan
we walk out the dooorr
No you wanna
just let goooo,
It's time to
roll down the windows
Sing it Oh Oh Oh
Yeah, all we need
So here we gooo
Turn it uuupp
It's five minutes to miiiidniiiight
You're coming home with me toniiiight
I can't get enough, shakin' me up
Turn it uupp
Alllllllriiiight
At five minutes to miiiidniiight
You see our name in city liiights
We'll make the clock stop
Make your heart drop
And come aliiiiiive
We could.
pack up
And leave all our things bEhind
No fact, or fictiion, or storyline
'Cause I need you more than just for toooniiight
You're Oh Oh all I careee
I can't stop my breathiIinng
I'm weak and you were my medicine
I won't stop till I
am under your skin
No you wannaa
just let gooo,
It's time to roll down the windoows
Sing it Oh Oh Oh
Yeah all we need
So heeere wee gooo
Turn it uuupp
It's five minutes to miiiidniiiight
You're coming home with me toniiiight
I can't get enough, shakin' me up
Turn it uupp
Alllllllriiiight
At five minutes to miiiidniiight
You see our name in city liiights
We'll make the clock stop
Make your heart drop
And come aliiiiiive
And whEn the clock strikes twelve
Will you find another party
Go and kiss and tell?
'Cause yoou knoooow I neever wiillll
I think wE should strike a match
We'll hooold it to the wind
to see how loong it lasts
Weeee caaan maaaaake the tiiiiime stand stiilll
Turn it uuupp
It's five minutes to miiiidniiiight
You're coming home with me toniiiight
I can't get enough, shakin' me up
Turn it uupp
Alllllllriiiight
At five minutes to miiiidniiight
You see our name in city liiights
We'll make the clock stop
Make your heart drop
And come aliiiiiive
Turn it uuupp
It's five minutes to miiiidniiiight
You're coming home with me toniiiight
I can't get enough, shakin' me up
Turn it uupp
Alllllllriiiight
At five minutes to miiiidniiight
You see our name in city liiights
We'll make the clock stop
Make your heart drop
And come aliiiiiive
I think this song is so romantic. I would keel over and die if someone felt this way about me. Its basically saying like in the first lines that he doesnt care how screwed up she is or how many doubts she has.. he wants her all to himself. The oh's show the passion he has but it isnt just about that for him, he says he wants he more than just tonight. I think the chorus is laid back and catchy which is perfect because he's basically telling her to just sit back and enjoy the ride. to just chill out. and the car is really symbolic i think.. because he just wants her to let him move things forward. My favorite part is when he says "i think we should strike a match and we'll hold it to the wind." because he doesnt know whats going to happen but he wants to try even if its against the odds. and the line "see how long it lasts" makes him sound like he doesnt care when it ends but then he says "we can make the time stand still". or its just about hooking up lol. i dont care.. i can take it how i want :]Cuz I want that. I want someone who wants me even if i put the breaks on or have doubts.. look past my fears and insecurities and desire to understand me instead. they would do anything they could to be with me anyways because its not just about one thing.. for them its about everythng. but who knows if such a person exists.
Hero/Heroine
not the entire song
I won't try to philOsophize
I'll just take a deep breathhh
and I'll look in your eyes
This is hOw I feeeel
And its so surreeeal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
Youuu'd eeven try
But I won't lie
You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heerrroine
Do you know that your lOve is the sweeeeteeeest sin?
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart all locked down
And then you turned me around
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded
Thunder
Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Up Against the Wall
How i feel/felt about tim.
It's overrrr, look out bElowww
I'm wasted, I still taaste it
Yeah it's so hArd to let go
So breathe in noooow, and breathe it ooout
The forecast; A car crash
It's looking lIIke another
Breeeakdownn, reboooound
This could be my last goodbye
You cross your heart, I hope to die
And III can't deny your eyyyes
You know I try to reead between the lines,
I saw a warning sign
And then you threeeww me up against the wall
Who said that it's better to have loved and lost?
I wish that I had never loved at alllllll
No rewiinds, no second tiiimes
And I won't break, I won't waste
Everything you left behind
So don't follooow, just let it gooo
The weather's been better
Don't let it be another
Breeeeaakdown, reboooooound
This could be my last goodbye
You cross your heart, I hope to die
it says "this could be my last goodbye" i think their hoping that it will work out next time.. its basically saying that I'm ok that we're over.. I wont waste my time worrying about it.. But as much as I want to move on, its hard because well what it says .. "who said that its better to have loved and lost? i wish that i had never loved at all"... but despite that line they are deciding to have hope and give love another chance anyways.
I'm fixating.... I dont know what else to do..
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I told sal and he said it was weird.. because Im jeni. he said it like that too.."youre jeni". And in a way its a compliment but it also.. its overwhelming. Everyone always holds such high expectations for me. And I tried. I didnt do a good job... i screwed up over and over.. im sick of screwing up so much. i cant screw it up anymore. its done. it's gone.
Sal said that relationships that dont put God first, end. I know that. But. I said something so stupid like.. "he wouldnt want to take away the person i had my first time with..." or something heh. and sal was like "thats stupid. he could have someone more amazing for you.".. or something close to that. it made me think. maybe he does.. or did. but what does it mean now? i ruined it. that.
I dont know what to think. I think Im in denial. Its nice state to be in actually. otherwise i might be quite devistated. I cant ever go back now. Its just over.
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