well that was a good ride but I've inevitably slipped back into the slump. depression is a bitch. I've been forgetting to take my pills too due to the fact that idgaf. insomnia is screwing up my head. and my eating habits. and i have no energy to do anything. i can barely think. and i have so much to do and I am so stressed out and I'm not even really doing anything. Its the idea of what i have to do that exhausts me. And then i think of timmy and feel like a loser. he is such a hard worker and good husband and here i am... being all me-ish. i wish i could be less me-ish. my attempts to remedy the situation have only gone and made it worse. i already know I'm doing something/everything wrong but knowing that doesn't do anything... i need someone to tell me what to do. but since there is no one to do that.. i just keep doing what i know.. even though its not working. and completely self distructive. i want to do too many things. and it seems that all the things i want to do are things im not capable of. what a sick joke, God. Making a person like me with so many dreams.. and no way to fullfill them. i tried to get a good job several times.. and that doesn't work. i tried sticking it out at my last job so timmy could finally catch a break. he says its ok because he can handle stress better than i can. but that's not fair. i might have just let him say that before but i know things about myself i didn't before. i don't want to forget that he has feelings too and life is hard on him too. the same situations may affect him differently but he is still affected. i dont want to say "well i am not empathetic because i have aspergers". i want him to know i care about how tired he is and how much he does. and none of this is going to end up making sense and everything keeps contradicting itself because my thoughts are ridiculous and keep chasing each other in circles. i dont want to keep blaming other people like my mom and school and blah blah blah.. they were wrong about certain things but ultimately, there is nothing they or i can do about that now... but i don't want to keep blaming myself either. cuz that sucks too. and i can only take so much self criticism and abuse. but i am angry. and i don't know who to be mad at. and the more stressed and tired and overwhelmed i am, the angrier i get. and thats exhausting and being exhausted is stressful and tiring and then it all repeats and its neverending and i feel like i'm just waiting for my heart to stop or my brain to explode. is it this hard for normal people to just be happy? not happy, maybe happy is the wrong word because i am happy a lot. but not at peace. or joyful. i don't think I've ever just been at peace.. in my whole life. maybe right after getting married. and people don't know becuase i don't want them to for the most part. maybe that's why i always wanted to be an actress. I've spent my whole life acting, not living. I'm tired. I'm bored of life. I'm sick of the whole work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat shit. i want to just be. i know its hard for everyone. but i feel like its impossible for me. at least in the typical jobs that typical people have. where is there a place where i can go and do work on my own in a quiet, low lit room for 6-7 hours a day for 6 days a week or 4 days a week at 8-10 hours and get benefits. and where everything i need to do is told to me in an organized straight forward manner, and there are no changes to what is asked or plenty of notice at least. i dont think such a job exists.i think lately.. and i am almost too freaked out to say it. but. i don't know what the hell i was thinking getting into web design. i will always have to work for someone, unless i want to freelance, and to earn a reliable income you have to build up a client base and have relationships with them. anything at all reuires people. i can handle people as long as they can handle me. but most people don't get that not everyone is good with words coming out of their mouth. and not everyone things the same way. not everyone can be a people person and remember names and be good at chat and hanging in circles staring at our shoes and talking about what to do and stupid crap without completely freaking out. this isn't me. but tim doesn't want to be a mechanic. if anyone deserves to change what they want to do, its him. besides being a mom and a wife, there is nothing i can think of that i want to spend my life doing... expect acting. but what if i suck? then my whole life was pointless. yep, i was right.. this whole thing is a blabbery moosh box of gobbledy gook.

tims alarm clock just went off. fantastic.

I don't have thoughts of suicide anymore when I'm depressed. I'm over that. I already know I would never do it. not only because i just don't think its right, and I was raised a christian and the bible says its bad and stuff. but i don't think i have the balls. pain is painful. and altho i do believe in an afterlife... there is nothing that freaks me out more than the thought of.. what if I'm wrong? and when I die.. there is nothing but well nothing. not even silence. you're not anything to even hear silence or see darkness. there is no you. where do my thoughts go? you just cease to exist like someone blew out a flame... it gives me chills. but. i do think about running away. disappearing. and never coming back. not because of timmy. i want to run away from myself really.

i miss praying. i miss worshiping at church. i don't miss the people. and sitting still for an hour. and i don't miss feeling like it was an obligation to my mom. but i miss the feeling i got when i left. i miss who i was. i don't know how to get that back. i don't think who i was would even believe this is who we turned into. and i miss when i could write in this diary and eventually start feeling better. i'd type until i calmed down. but i don't feel anything.

06:01:20