I hate when i have nothing to do. I feel like I need to do something.. I just dont know what. I have done pretty much everything i was going to do today.. and its only 3:45... time is a jerk. I was so bored I started reading old entries. to see how much I've changed. haha... and I read one called "[5]boys hurt me" and wow. It hit the spot.. cuz i felt so strongly about that and well... here's part of it...

The greatest thing you'll ever learn

is just to love,

and be loved in return

-moulan rouge

This is what happens when you base your outlooks on life on a movie...

the title of this entry is not exactly a motto like the one I wrote above, but the way I am going to look at boys and love from now on. ALl my life and forever. I will just accept that there are NO good ones. There just isn't one single guy who is decent and ALL boys will hurt you and let you down at one point, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!. I know it and I know the world would like to belive otherwise. But thats the way it is and I am ok with that.. ok I am not "OK OK" with it, yet, but I will be. Even if it takes my whole life. Because I used to not trust boys from past experiences. Lots of them. But I guess thats what I get for being SOOO freaking naive... I am 17 and I am just so naive I wish I could change it but I cant change who I am. So I get hurt and everyone does so this is no pitty party. I hate pity. I dont want it. But I am just writing this for myself so I can read it over and over and over and try my best never to fall for such bull again. Everything is a lie. So I didn't trust them before, I was anti-guy but then I tried... I wanted to give them a chance because everyone said Jeni dont stop trusting people. Dont push people away. There are some good guys out there. But now I know maybe that is true, but not for me. And I will never trust any guys ever again. I dont care how mellow dramatic I am being. I dont want to get hurt again. So I used to say "follow your heart"... but your head will keep you safe.. DUH! So that's it heart, you've gotten me into so much crap. I hate you. I hate boys. I hate love. That was the last straw for me. Even if it wasnt a big one, it just was the tip of the ice berg and I am sick of it all. I am now anti-love. And I have no intention of turning back. I will be alone the rest of my life and I dont care. I have my friends right now. And someday they'll leave me too. And then I will be alone, but I will charish the time I have now with them and be there for them when guys screw them in the rear. because they will, and I will be there. And that's not a bad deal. I am ok with that. I dont need guys to be happy. I have God and me and that's it. He's a guy, but he hasn't let me down yet.

yeah... it took a little less than a month before i threw that out the window. Im dumb. I ever said it in that entry over and over that it would always be the same. but i dont listen to myself. that's why I am going to finish school.. and then off I go to missouri. and then.. Maybe Kansas. I used to wanna go to ORU. cuz deanna's daughters went there. i miss deanna. i think its been 4 years since she's been gone. she always gave me clarity, or at least she would just listen and love me. i always had peace when i was around her. oi. now Im thinking about it. guess it isnt awful to write about it right? when i was at vineyard, I didnt know anyone. I didnt like it. it was clingy and they were kinda mean. i found out deanna went there too. She used to go to our old church but left and i barely saw her. she also used to babysit me and jason when we were in elementry shcool. I wasnt doing good when we went to the vineyard, i was 14 and i had no friends. my mom forced me to go to their youth group. I started meeting with deanna. We went out for ice cream, and we'd talk and one time we were at the church and we were making a huge poster. She started going to the youth group every wednesday cuz she was a pastor. and everytime she'd introduce me to people, she'd say that she knew me since i was in diapers. she was the one who got me plugged into the group. she got me to open up. She told my mom that I knew my feelings very well. Now, its like I dont know what the heck Im feeling.. ever. my mom spoke on wednesdat nite a while ago. right before thrive. when it was LOFT. she didnt know i came to listen. she said deanna was my angel. it made me cry. and then everyone was looking at me. people can be too much sometimes. When she was in the hospital my mom bought her a little figurine of a little girl praying. she told deanna that she got it because it looked like me and said I was praying for her. she said "doesnt it look like jeni?" and deanna just laid there and i remember crying because she couldnt move. but she looked at me and smiled. the day she passed was sereal. we were at home and someone called us and said it was about to happen. we got in the car and went down. it takes a while to get there. we expected her to be gone when we got there. we got on her floor and you could hear cries and wails down the hall. the whole way there i just wanted to be there and hold her hand as she went. and tell her i loved her. the room was packed but me and my mom got close to the bed, she looked at me but i got scared and i looked away. i was in shock and the room was creeping me out.. with people praying out loud and crying hystrically and i didnt cry.. i just wide-eyed looked at the wall. kicking myself for turning around. all i wanted to do was hug her and tell her i loved her and i couldnt even look at her. and then the crying got louder. so i looked back, but she was gone. Yeah, I wanted out so I was the first to head for the door but Laurie (a family friend) grabbed me and hugged me and said "its ok, let it out" and I did.. and she said that she was waiting for us. She said she wasnt going to go till we got there. that made me feel a little better.. and worse at the same time.. because she waited and i turned away. blah i dont like thinking about it. but it was good to get that out.