Listening to: Social Distortion- Footprints On My Ceiling
"there are footprints on my ceiling.
i cant help this F*d up feeling....
How do you talk without speaking?
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling?
How do you take without giving?
How do you keep it all inside?"
you know what social distortion?!
thats what I'd like to know...
I'm having some interesting emotions.
I'm happy. and anxious and excited and hopeful. because jason is great and cute and sweet and honest. and I'm excited about us because I think it could be pretty amazing... but I'm also so cynical. its like I'm preparing for the worse before the best has even happened. i want to just give in and let myself fall like i cant get hurt. but i already know its a possibility.
I'm thankful. because i have people who care about me. and me and my mom are doing good. i actually wasnt having a good night last night and i went and talked to her and ended up just sleeping in her bed. first time i went to bed at 2am. first time i fell asleep fast and didnt wake up in the middle of the night. i know its kind of lame but o well.
I'm sad and frustrated. because I dont know how long I'm going to miss timmy or feel out of place about it. I dont want to because he has never expressed a similar emotion towards me.. said it once or twice when asked but words are dead. and his actions imply otherwise. not that i care. ok obviously i do but God i wish i didnt. i know now it isnt worth it. he isnt who i thought he was. and there were too many things going against us to work out anyways.. so i should just be okay with it. and really, i am.. its just like these random bursts of that weird feeling when you fall asleep anywhere but your own bed and wake up thinking "where am i????" and you freak out for a second and then you realize where you are and its okay..
I'm scared because i need a job and I dont know how or when i will actually get one. even tho i have an interview but oi. and i have so much i need to pay for. plus it would be nice to actually have money once in a while. plus plus if i dont get some money soon i wont have money for gas and then i really wont ever see jason.
I'm angry. at myself. not for anything that happened. not for the obvious reason for why i should be mad at my myself or at least disappointed.... no. im mad because I have no emotion about it.. still. Its like i'm numb. i havent cried about it. I havent felt a thing. i just think about it and get this weird.. suffocating feeling. and then it passes.
I'm stressed because me and jason talked. and it was good. good talk. but i dont know.. i'm not sure...
I'm confused. because all these emotions all at once.. are confusing lol. i would like to explain but i really cant.
anyways...
im going to my grandmas tomorrow. if i wake upon time. not sure thats going to happen. its almost 4am.
art brightens a day. pictures make me smile. tim told me to take the pictures when i was there last.. i said no because really he bought them for us and all.. and i'd feel bad.. but i took some of them because well.. i think he had a girl there. and also.. what does a guy need with james dean pictures anyways? he can keep the elvis ones.
i dont want to lay down.
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