Officially left my mother's house. again to the nth degree. I'm actually surprised it lasted as long as it did. I have no words to describe what happened today.. and even less to describe how much hate I have for that woman. Indescribable. I know it sounds a little silly when said out loud but I am kick you in the face serious right now.. I'm getting a restraining order as soon as possible. After I get my stuff sometime this week, I'm never looking back at my past. Its nothing but me and tim's future and dreams and goals. nothing else matters. they certainly dont. I dont know why I actually thought it would be different this time. i mean it was... but as usual the difference was worse and it just increases over time. Tim brought up a good point as I exploded into mush on the phone.. he said that she's always going on about how christian she is and how when you're "in the word and going to church" and BLAH, how it shows in your life and who you are.. but he said he's never seen that in her. ANd its true. she claims to be soo in the word but what is coming out in her life? she keeps going to church and she's there more than most but it still cant change her. no amount of church could. she's that evil. Tim suggested that we talk to someone at the church but he quickly changed his mind because he realized, they're all fooled and it would be pointless. The most frustrating part in all of this and the reason I'm most upset.. its not because I'm losing my family.. because I could care less now.. but that I was stupid enough to think they actually cared about me at all and that anything would change. I'm also really pissed off at myself that I was so upset. It all happened at 8 or 9. and from the end of the fight till around 2:30p I couldnt stop crying. I tried sleeping or watching tv but i just couldnt stop. I dont know why I care about those people.. I guess technically they're family and thats why but its ridiculous because they dont and havent acted like it so i shouldnt care. My eyes hurt.. it feels like someone is pushing out my eyes from the inside. not to mention my sore throat that still has gone away and crying really isnt helping that. plus my nose is bruised because nearing the end of the fight i went in my room and locked the door and i dont even know why but she got the key and opened the door fast and hard KNOWING and not caring that i was behind it and hit me in the nose and stubbed my toe. Im so glad my toe was kind of in the way to like cushion the blow or the beast would have broken my nose. It still hit it really hard but not enough to crack anything. It was really red this morning and bleeding whenever I blow. My toe hurts a little but I'd much rather have a stubbed toe than a broken nose. She didnt even care. You know when you are fighting with someone and you accidentally hurt them, everything stops and you ask if they're ok... no. she just kept shouting to my brother that I'm a freak at the top of her lungs. I dont care how much she begs or wants to be in my life again. Im not caving in this time. Im not going thru this again. I dont care if she goes to thailand and has an apifany like she claimed before.. no. I'm starting my own family with timmy and we're going to have a beautiful life with a nice home and 3 beautiful children and she doesnt get to be a part of it. none of them do. them being my grandma and aunt irene and such.. because they're just little followers which is another thing.. they'll probably decide not to come to my wedding if she doesnt so im just wondering why bother with a wedding anymore...
I'm so sick of people thinking she's someone she isnt. Im so sick of watching her be fake right infront of me. So Im choosing not to watch anymore. I dont care what she does but I guess I finally realize its ok that she's fake and evil, but I dont have to be a part of it.
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