So Timmy is an angel :) He stayed up a little late to talk to me. I get pretty emotional during that time of month. and everything seems to spiral out of control. Didnt help that i missed 3 pills this week. I realized tho... i need to make some changes. I cant just fall apart every month. not when we're going to be trying for kids! They're going to need a strong mommie who can take care of them and herself. So. I decided one goal i have, is to eventually lower my dosage of prozac. and then eventually get off of it. But i can't just quit like most people who take prozac. my depression isn't one that is situational. i mean.. it is and it isn't. Because of aspergers, I will have to deal with my depression for the rest of my life.. and i dont want to be popping pills for the rest of my life. not that there is ANYTHING wrong with those who do.. i just dont think its right for me. for one, i cant freaking get myself to take them the same time every day. and i just dont trust most people in authority. and doctors are included in that list. and honestly, i think my doctor is a fraud. i think most are actually.. thats just my opinion. and i am sure there are so very nice and lovely doctors out there.. but from my experience... i just haven't found any. i want a more natural hollistic approach. So i decided to look around to see what my options are. obviously diet has a huge impacton your overall well being. but i think its especially essential for people with autism. and this has been proven with so many studies and books and experts..i tried the gfcf diet. but its hard. i tried just eating healthier.. its hard. and the hardest part about it, for me at least.. is actually getting excited or motivated or caring at all.. its hard once you fall into a slump. i dont know how the cycle started but its the same thing all the time.. get fatter... get depressed... comfort eat... feel guilty. And I'm not even that bad... but i don't want to get to a point where its almost impossible to change. Everything in my life is telling me to change my diet. And i know i have to but its hard... its expensive. and its tiring. But i think the benefits are worth it. So i looked around and i found some information about vegan diets.. and its perfect. its really close to the gfcf diet. but its better because i am lactose intolerant and vegans don't eat dairy. I know it sounds simple... why not just do the gfcf diet and just add dairy to the list of foods to avoid.. but knowing that is one thing.. in the moment my brain doesn't "get it". I'm not an idiot.. I just, can't focus. especially when I'm hungry. and everything i know gets fuzzy and usually just goes out the window. when I'm hungry just want to eat. i dont want to do math or write things down or remember something or figure something out. its food. just put it in my mouth. Thats a huge thing that was hard about the gfcf diet, or any other diet.. like the 6 week make over my mom told me about. it was ssssooooo hard to find ANY meal plans, at least realistic ones for the gfcf diet. and the 6 week make over diet was SO restrictive that i didnt even attempt it haha. But lots of people are vegan. and there is so much information. and meal plans. and i subscribed to a few youtube channels and there are people who just tell you what they eat in a day. its weird. but its helpful :) And they tell you what they see thats changed since they started and stuff.. like how its balanced their mood and cleared their skin and they lost weight and have more energy. All things i would like to change.

So I am going to start today. probably a bad idea. since i babysit today and its going to be a challenge to do it right today.. but i dont want to wait. i cant wait to make some of these recipes!

I was feeling so horrible.. but timmy made me feel so much better. and i want to be better for him. and i am going to be. and this is how I'm going to start. I'm going to DO something about what I hate about myself instead of complaining about it. not that he told me to do that. actually he is so understanding and affirming and just amazing.. and i want to be that for him.

I really should be sleeping. i should put that on my list.. but i'm hoping my sleeping pattern will even out with this new diet.. i would just go try and force myself to sleep but this scratchy throat is KILLING me. i dont have any cough drops at the moment.. so im drinking green tea with honey but it only lasts so long.... long enough to get into mid sleep and then wake me up lik a jerk! grrr.

well... I'm off to do something productive.