hi. talked to brett. talked to andres... and... i know im wrong ahead of time.... ok. so. confusion. I dont know how I get myself into these messes. I cant help the feelings I have towards people. and I cant help their feelings towards me. I dont know why anyone cares or why everything has to be such a big deal anyways.... and then again I know im just being an idiot when I say that cuz it is a big deal. but gosh. I wish I knew the right decisions to make ahead of time, before guessing and ending up falling on my face like I have been recently. Im not known to be a "people pleaser" cuz really, i could care less what anyone thinks of me. cept when it comes to brett and andres. and my brother and mother.. i dont know why but anyways were talking bout boys so... I dont know why i even care about their opinions. no offense to them, but they are just boys. and im going all psycho over boys... since when did i start caring? and they think its so easy. they tell me the exact same things and sometimes I feel like a skitzo. they both act like my bf. and put themselves into that position alot. and Im just a retard. I dont know anything and I certainly dont know what Im doing or what to do. Ive never been in this kind of situation before. Im 18 frikken years old.. Im supposed to be having fun. just being a young adult woman. and instead im surrounded by all this drama that I created myself. Im sorry if I hurt people. I dont mean to. gah, i dont even know what to say anymore. but my heart hurts. my head hurts. i wish i was smarter. what if I try, and i end up making the wrong decision? could i go back and change it? thats what i dont want to happen. but i guess this isnt working either huh? I try tho. I make pro and con lists, I role play certain future situations, I think of who I can do or not do ceratin things with. Like, for example... i can talk to andres for hours about stupid meaningless nonsense, never once mentioning or hinting that we like each other. which is good. and with brett, i feel comfortable crying infront of him. which is important, cuz jeni's cry alot. i dont know. i told andres i love brett still. and i told brett that i like andres. i am honest at least. cant that be enough?