when people push me i push back twice as hard... when things are too difficult my brain shuts off.. i forget things i wish i could remember just so I knew how i got this way... or why i am who i am.. not necessarily for the memory itself. Sometimes i feel like i am walking forward and with every step i take the ground beneath me disappears like i was never there.. always on the edge. i cant go back even if i wanted to because it doesn't exist. i am very forgiving. too forgiving. i bottle things up. i am closed off. am anti social. i am awkward. i push people away. i never used to be this way. at least not to this extreme. everyone has their moments. and some more with certain people than others. I'm just trying to protect myself but at the same time i am losing myself.. i want to be who i was. i want to be a person people like to be around.. somewhere that changed and i dunno why. somewhere i lost relationships for reasons i can't remember. everyone has left me. tim is only here now because i brought him back... and it kind of kills me a little bit every time i think of what would happen, where i would be.. if i didn't. would he realize he needed me? and come and fight for me? no one else has. maybe that's why its so easy to be the way I've become.. its not like its making a difference.. its not like i have anyone around to effect.. its more for my own peace of mind. i say i wont let people hurt me anymore.. but no one is around to care that i feel that way. so i shouldn't even have to think it. i mean i have acquaintances i guess. no need to feel threatened by those. no need to worry. they're at arms length. i miss caring. I'm happy. I have timmy. I have jefri. i have a nice condo and whatknot. but as much as I'd like that to be enough.. its not. and as much as i'd like to feel like a part of tim's family.. i don't. and i almost hope they don't get too close.. and never do. if i lost 2 families i don't think i could really handle it. i want a baby. I'm not ready yet but I really can't stop thinking about it lately. maybe its all this free time i have.. unwanted free time. maybe i am so overwhelmed because i am out of a job right now and school isn't starting until august.. but when i think about having a baby.. i can be feeling so awful, and then it just goes away. babies aren't to make yourself feel better.. its not like that tho.. i just.. can't explain it. in a way i am ready.. i know i am... i can't tho. i want to go into counseling first. and at least be working and finish most if not all my school stuff.. because i know if i had a baby.. i would be able to push it all down inside of me and do what i have to do.. but it would come back later.. maybe worse and unexpected. and it would make school and work impossible.. like it has in the past. its too hard to deal with this over and over with no result just because i don't know how.. i just want to get it over with. and that wont happen until i get over 2 things.. 1, the fear of talking about it. i can write in here forever. but talking is different. and 2, finding the right person.. i don't want to talk to just anyone.. what if they lead me the wrong way? or they think i am stupid or they don't think it was a big deal. or they don't listen or they don't care. I've had lots of opportunities to go. I am always really eager when its a distant decision.. when it gets closer and more real.. i find a way out of it.. i'm good at that. i know i pushed my family away too. I'm not saying it was all their fault or that i didn't make it difficult to love me. I'm just saying.. i wish they could have given me a break.. or asked why instead of taunt me. and gang up. and hate me. its natural for someone to push people away after that. and its natural to act out when you feel out of control after that. i didn't know how to express that at the time. i didn't know how to control it. it just happened. but i wasn't what they've made me out to be. and they aren't as innocent as they'd like people to think. not at all. sometimes i think maybe its a bad think I'm taking prozac. I mean.. sometimes I'll be watching tv or movies.. and people just bash it and the people who take them. and a few people I know have commented about them when i was around, of course they didn't know i take them so maybe they would have kept it to themselves but it always makes me feel pretty stupid. and helpless. I used to be called strong. now i have to rely on a pill or I just don't care and everything sets me off. I cry and cry and can't stop. Its not like i don't cry now.. but i get upset and it passes in a reasonable amount of time.. a normal amount. i dont really cry for no reason.. sometimes during that time of the month and i usually figure out why while I'm crying. I don't get so upset over the little things. I am more forgiving. I am stronger.. i don't take people's bullshit. I can put emotions on hold. but is it numbing me? am i a dull person? these are the things they say about people on prozac. and worse. I love Tim.. i know that he is the only person who could be with me. I know we're soul mates. i know God designed him for me. i guess out of all the things i don't have or lost and God took away or let go.. I'm glad he let me keep Timmy.