the academy is gives me a good feeling. it reminds me of January in our new apartment. not this place but the place before it and it was just us for the first time and everything was perfect. it feels like that now. Timmy said my last entry made him feels special :] woot. He said its the part where I said our kids names in code.. and it made him feel good that he's the only one who knows what it says :] Well, I like that too. hee. no. the title of this entry is not sarcastic.. Today was.. the worst, and best day in a long time. sometimes things have to get messy before they can go back to normal or get better. I told Tim everything. about absolutely everything. and whats been bothering me. Sometimes, i think he actually understands me more than I understand myself. I didn't think that was possible. i mean I've said that before i think, it makes sense because its true.. but it still baffles me. i said baffles. waffles. he made me feel so loved. and safe. and he is perfect. and everything is going to be ok. for once. And its not my responsibility to fix a broken situation when i wasn't the one throwing rocks. I guess I can leave that up to God. Whatever he wants to do is fine with me. Timmy made me realize things about the situation I didn't even think about. I've been in a such an unhealthy place for so long I couldn't see straight at all and see the problem. I realize now that we talked.. that thats really all i ever wanted to do. and I should have just tried that from the beginning. i also realized that sometimes, people aren't worth it... and that shouldn't bother me. and i shouldn't be putting peoples feelings before my own anymore. sometimes, thats someone else's problem and I just need to walk away and let God decide how to handle the situation and the people involved and trust its fair. and be ok if it isn't. i think thats the major problem i had been having.. fairness. so much right now isn't fair. and i couldn't take something else, something so familiar. but its ok now, and Timmy said everything perfectly and made me feel so loved. no one could love me like he loves me. and i love him more than anything. he is the earth beneath my feet. now that its over, i feel a breath of fresh air sweep over me. and we can both rest assured knowing we are better people than the monsters of this world. well mostly he can. we can live knowing we have hearts where some people are empty vessels floating around with no purpose but to cause despair and bring pain. and play mind games. and know that we'll never be the type of people who could do some of the things these people do. I know I am no angel, far.. sooo soo far from it and i never claim to be. I know that I have been so stupid. but its the patronizing, the condescending, the backstabbing, the ignorant, the arrogant, the egotistical, self centered, hypocritical, low life, a-holes of the world that spread out seeds of sadness, disrespect, suicide, doubt, fear, guilt, blame, revenge, hate... they ruin everyone they touch. and its stupid to let such people point the finger at you when they have been nothing but a constant instigator the entire time. That's really the main thing i realized by talking to Timmy. among other things. i went to make an appointment last week for a Brazilian wax. and i mean.. okay i have looked into it before.. actually a few times.. and i hear about pain and such and blah and whatever.. and thats enough to keep me from going.. but this time.. i was reading about HOW they do it.. and o g's! it is so not worth it... i dunno.. its embarrassing to even say but you have to get on all fours and blah... and they yeah.. and its horrible.. but i hear u feel like a million bucks after.. hmm. still. i told Timmy and he thought it was funny.. and crazy. and i think he's happy he's a boy. that new song Timmy put in our songbook on 911tabs is pretty cool. was it a dream by 30 seconds to mars. its pretty easy to play too. i was playing it today for a little bit and i got it right away. that doesn't happen very often. by the way, if anyone has a kitten they can't take care of or want to sell for some reason (other than sickness :{ ) let me know.. we went to the animal shelters around here but they don't let you take home kittens under 8 weeks. thats 2 months! thats not a kitten :[ that's a cat. its impossible to adopt a kitten these days. i mean yeah eventually it will turn into a cat but thats not the point... if your going to have a cat, you should at least enjoy the joys of owning a kitten. just like a kid. no one wants to take home a teenager..