| On sunday I felt that the message given was directed at me. Like always. All week I was deliberatly disobeying God by talking to Brett and I knew it. But on sunday I realized i couldnt keep doing what I was doing. I called Brett to tell him, again, that i cant talk to him. And I know it was a shock because the nite before I gave no sign that this was coming, because I really didnt want it to and I didnt think it would.. shows how smart I am. Well I didnt want it to be a long conversation cuz i am weak and my emotions tend to get thebest of me, but it was and i felt everything inside of me wanting to just say "forget it. I didnt mean anything. I love you and I am yours" But I couldnt say anything. I couldnt say I love him, and I do. So much. And as much as I wish this could be different, I am going to stop praying so that God would change the situation, and start praying that God would change me and my heart. I believe that this will be ok. And I will pray that God would help me in my disbelief. Because I do believe it, I just kinda dont.. ya know? He told me alot of things, but it made me cry when he told me he was proud of me. When I said to say goodbye he wouldnt. and I wasnt going to hang up if he didnt say goodbye. now way. But the mother came in and I had to or she'd know I was talking to him. And thatd be bad. He was in the middle of saying something and that was kinda of the worst and best timing. Well Vannessa came over wjen I was off the phone and I cried on my bed and she sat with me trying to comfort me. And it helped having her with me. Eventually I stopped and somehow after a while of talking we were lauging about the most stupid things. I'm really glad she was there for me. I dont know what I would have done alone. All week I felt good, but guilty and confused... now i feel miserable and yet I have this strange peace. I wont do this again. It was too hard. He was doing so good too, until I screwed up. He missed me yeah but he didnt do anything about it, and he insists I am the stronger one.. i dont think so. He was doing fine and I made it harder. I wasnt being fair to him at all and now I hurt him 2 times. I pray that God would give him patience and guard his heart. But o matter how much I miss him or want to make him happy I will hold out this time and leave it to God to make him happy for now. I hope he stays open to the idea of being with someone else. I hope he doesnt give up and that he doesnt wait for me if we arent meant to be together. I hope she is stronger than I was and that their relationship be based on God and friendship. I do wish that because he deserves that and I dont think I am that girl. Not yet anyways. short term pleasaure leads to long term suffering and short term sacrifice leads to long term rewards. If we prove how faithful we are through this, God will bless me and Brett no doubt about it. |
Read 1 comments