Today was.. interesting. and of course, confusing as always.
woke up. cleaned and organized garage.omg. I didnt eat all day. its been one of those days. and for good reason.
manuel had a bunch of his friends over and one of them decided to pierce his lip with a safety pin.. idiot. he just jammed it thru.. and not even very fast.. ur supposed to numb the area, put a piece of apple behind it and then have someone else hit it thru ur lip into the apple really fast. but no one listens to jeni. uhg it was gross.
anyways. jason was supposed to come out here but he said he had work in the morning so we met in pasadena. i would say half way but its 40 minutes for me and 20 at most for him so its really not half way. anyways. because it was one of those days, i did a whole lot of stupidness. starting with turning into the wrong parking lot. then there was a sign on thise statue that said "do not touch" and i didnt see it and i was like "oh" and touched his face. what? he looked real... anywyas, after that i was stupid because i had jasons dr pepper in my purse and wanted to open it... it was all shook up and got all over my sweater and the floor. aaaaaand a bunch of other things that i forget really. o man. but the movie was really good. i loved it actually. cornyness and all. i loved the part where he is walking thru new york. its magnificent. anyways... decision decisions. i dont know how i ended up here but i dont like it.
I feel like Im walking a tightrope.. I'm afraid to fall.. so I just keep walking slowly. but thats actually a bad analogy.. I feeel likeeee.. idk. or i'd just say it.
I am afraid. But I think I know how to fix it. Either way, I know what I want in a relationship. I know my must haves and cant stands. I know deal breakers and red flags. I know how to get those things and Im not going to compromise anymore. ever. because you compromise to keep, but you end up losing. not even what you kept, but yourself. I know what I want, and its not about me.. its about pleasing God. I've hit rock bbotttom many times. Now more than ever, and I dont want to be with anyone who is going to take me back. I want to move forward. Labels can be so decieving. And I'm not going to trust labels and words anymore... its about action and desire. and if I dont see what i want thru them, then its not what i want. I want a man. I want someone who knows what they want and has a plan on how to get it, or get there. I dont want someone to rely on me to lead or rely on me to spell out how things should be. THEY are the man, they should know and lead. even if they dont know, its not my job to tell them. Its not my job to lead, its my job to trust. And i gguess its my job to know when I should trust or not. NO more leading for me. no more giving in. no more following things that go against everything i wanted. no more. and if that means i end up with nothing.. well.. maybe its because i'm supposed to have nothing. which is hard to accept because im selfish and impatient and stubburn and i want everything now now now.. but i need to just.. trust. that even if i think my world is falling apart infront of my eyes.. maybe i'm not able to see it, but God is building a place for me and building my husbands character in the meantime.. i know whatever happens, i shouldnt worry.. I shouldnt worry about hurting people. Or hurting myself. its a part of life. Not in a selfish way, but I just need to focus on me and what i've wanted instea of worrying about how to please someone else. Im the girl. I know i would try to please my husband and try my best to be what he wants.. but if its my soulmate.. i wont have to try. i mean, i wouldnt have to change who i am. i dont think its the same for guys. I think its supposed to be challenging for them. it builds character. i think thats a way they grow into men. i mean it shouldnt be impossible. and shouldnt be frustrating. but i do think that sometimes people have to change, especially guys. Never for the wrong reasons of course. But if there are things that are in the way of u and that person, and they are things u could change, and it would be positive, its a good thing. but u shouldnt change what u believe in for someone... it has to come from inside and be a choice with or without that person. and you should never change who u are.. anyways...
i should sleep. its late.
THE HUSH SOUND-the artist
I know that you're an artist,
but you're the hardest one to deal with.
Everything that you conceal
is revealed on your canvas.
You find all of your ugly meanings
in all of the things I find beautiful.
Do you see the fall is coming?
Come, I'm falling into you.
You perceive all of these things
I'd never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
we're already home.
You painted me in pastel,
colors that don't tell of any boldness.
That's the way you'd love to see me:
so delicate, so weak, so little purpose.
But your eyes are drawn of charcoal
they're black, they're so cold, they're so imperfect.
Because they see a sleeping world,
where waking isn't worth it.
You perceive all of these things
that I'd never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
We're already home.
Oh, oh
Could you live without the lies?
Oh, love
I've had enough of you tonight
All of these things
I'd never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
we're already home.
You perceive all of these things
I'd never have known.
Love, will you turn off the lights?
we're already home.
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