i hate sit d :[
our couches came today :]
they are perfect. i say "they" as if its more than 1.. its a sectional with a chaise. it fits perfectly in the room. that's been happening a lot lately. Timmy actually brought it up a few days ago or a week ago.. that since we've been married... little things, and big, are just sort of falling into place.. he's right.. and its weird. and nice.. everything is perfect. its scary. i mean.. it scares me. how long can perfect really last? and who deserves it? i don't.I'm not perfect and never will be.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately.. and how everything i own.. i ruin, break, or lose. everyone i have cared for or loved left quicker than they came or has let me down in some way. I don't want to ruin this. In some ways I already have and i know it. Sometimes I feel like I do it on purpose... like i don't think i deserve to be happy, so i ruin the good things in my life. sometimes I chase after things I know are dead ends because i already know the outcome.. i can prepare. I can't prepare for what is to come for me and Timmy because I have no idea where we will end up in a year let alone a decade. I'm scared of the unknown. I hold onto who i was. the past. people from the past.. and I've been thinking it was because of the memories and the things and the people at that time.. but i don't think it is anymore. i think i hold onto the past as some narcissistic attempt to find who i used to be. not that i don't like who i am. there was a point for a while where i didn't recognize myself.. and i really didn't like myself.. but i'm happy now and burdens have been lifted and i feel amazing and i hate myself for certain things but overall i love myself again.
I know people think i watch too many movies or too much tv.. but i don't really care. I think there is a lesson to be learned in nearly everything we experience. people gain insight from a conversation with friends, a song, a book, a lecture.. and for some reason i hear/see things about myself in movies. i identify with the characters and for the most part, take something away from it.. maybe its not me who is crazy for doing so, maybe its all the people who are too shallow to pay attention to a lesson being taught that are the weird ones. Anyway, i was watching Everwood with Timmy tonight.. i love that we have that in common. aaaand i realized, i can separate my past from my future. it doesn't have to get tangled together if i don't let it. i can have beautiful memories of people forever gone, and be content with what i have now. I can be content knowing that in some situations I tried my best and gave everything I could have given, did everything i could have done.. tried harder than I should have tried, and for some reason, it wasn't good enough. And I can forgive myself for the times when I didn't try hard enough, and the outcomes and the hardships that resulted. I think its been harder to do so lately because of the enormous amount of rejection I've been dealing with when it comes to the job search.. and dealing with this stuff isn't really a priority. Everyone knows I'm a pack rat. of everything. old letters, pictures, notebooks with diary entries, doodles, magazine clippings, etc.. but its not just in the physical stuff. I pack my mind.. and I never clean it out. Because I feel like if i let go of something I lose it.. but maybe sometimes thats what sets the foundation for greater things. change. I can't keep thinking about other people and the "what ifs". i can only focus on the now and how I have everything I want in spite of all my failures. and be thankful. I can't hold on to something that isn't there. I'm happiest when i am focusing on making Tim happy. I think I am ready to put my past behind me and finally grow up and be a woman and a wife. and love Tim how he deserves to be loved.
anyways enough about things no one will understand anyways.. and on to more.. interesting... topics...
i went to heathers wedding today. it was nice. it was at the sanctuary and the reception was at some place called the sportsman lodge. it was cute and stuff.. i wished timmy could come but he had to work.. but i was with my mom and it wasn't that bad. she's so weird sometimes though. but besides that, i had a fun time. actually.. it was an answer to many many.. many.. prayers. I've just been praying to myself lately that I get some sort of help. some sort of something or sign that i wasn't some sort of freak.. and there are others like me.. having difficulties in certain marriage areas.. and stuff. well, today at the wedding, everyone is dancing and mingling.. and me and my mom go over to the table next to us and sit with the salz. and so i'm talking to talia and she asked me "what is the best and worst thing about being married?" to the first one i told her how close i feel to tim now, just aday after even.. it changes everything. and howmuch more open he is with me.. then amanda came over and we talked to her for a little while.. when she left i leaned over and whispered "to answer ur question...... sex!" and from there started a HUGE conversation fiasco.. lol. apparently i am not the only one having issues. i'm not going to go into detail here because i'm sure she'd hate to find out that i told everyone about her sex life.. but God.. its nice to know I am not the only one who feels.."broken".. i have been crying and hating myself for it since we got married.. but i don't feel so bad right now :] we exchanged numbers and we're going to keep each other posted. I lvoe talia.. she's so open and honest and to the point.. it wasn't awkward at all.. i think we we're both relieved, to say the least, to have someone to relate to. thank god. it came just in time, i felt like giving up :[
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other than that... i love our couches.. so comfy. so awesome. they match perfectly.
OH! and we were experimenting to see if jefri used his litter box.. HE DID! i'm so proud of him. tear. now we can get a doggy door and he can come inside.. he's a smarty pants. but he doesn't wear pants :/
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