my mom did not respond to my last email. Jason sent excepts me to read all his nonsense but didn't even read my last email to him. I know caring about it means I care about them... but that's not the main reason i care about it.. i just wish they were better people. and i care because.. i wish God gave me a better family. i guess in a way he did eventually end up giving me a better family.. Timmy pretty much reassures me daily now, that we are okay and everything is fine and he is my family now. (and that always calms me down. its weird how i can be completely overwhelmed one second and then he says that and the tension just melts away. its also weird that i know that the next day but sometimes i need to hear it said anyways because its like it has a life span.. like those life bubble shields in halo that only last like 30 seconds. its like that, like those words only last a day or 2 until they run out and i need them again. In my head, i have always been pretty good at analyzing myself. for the most part. i was WAY off with the whole Brett crap but that's another story no one wants to read. but i am pretty good at knowing why i am acting a certain way. what triggers what. connecting things and whatknot. things said to situations.. i can't explain it right but.. like an example... if a person is betrayed by a lot of people.. then they automatically believe they will be betrayed by default, resulting in trust issues but mostly centered around betrayal. and the level of mistrust is higher and the level of hurt if this trust is broken, once again, is higher. if that makes sense. not trying to be a psychologist here. but I've come to terms with the fact that (maybe not for my whole entire life) but a huge chunk, i am just a needy person. I don't like the term "needy" because its always used in a negative sense. but its who i am and i can not change that. People, in my opinion, become needy about something because their life lacked something important.. something they.. needed. the more things missing, the more needy the person. ie, love, affection, acceptance, acknowledgment, companionship, control, stability, pride, etc.... i am not just needy because of one particular situation.. and as a result i think i am a pretty needy person.... probably the HUGEST example of that is this diary.. because i feel that no one ever listens to me, and when they say they do they twist my words around or they hear me but don't pay attention or ignore me etc... i feel the need to write EVERY last thought into this freaking diary. Its become a slight obsession really... the more lacking, the bigger the need. because of my mothers inability to praise me when i did good.. i need more affirmation than most people. because my brother and mother band against me constantly and i didn't have a father to go to or just a 4th person to side with me, i need to feel accepted more than most people. because of the unfairness and the conspiracy growing in my family, i FREAK OUT if something isn't fair. more than i should... even if i am right, i get a little carried away... but i can't stand it. if i see a double standard even starting to form.. i can't tolerate it. because of specific incidences in grade school and maybe other causes, i am absolutely mortified of public speaking. which is weird because i used to talk a lot in groups of people.. i guess its sort of different than actually speaking to an audience tho. because my brother hit me and no one cared to stop him or punish him for it, and actually condoned it.. and STILL condones it even now... i get really scared when a guy physically handles me in anyway in anger. one time i said something to Tim in bed and turned away from him and he got mad at what i said and was angry that i turned around because he wanted to talk about it, and he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back and said "talk to me" or "turn around" or something and i lost it. it wasn't even anything, it just scared the crap out of me. and tim is probably the least scary person i know. that has actually happened a few times now, same exact thing, with Tim, but completely stupid because i am stupid. can't help it though, i feel helpless. he would never scare me intentionally, and absolutely would never hit me. I'm just a baby. because my father left when i was a baby and kept coming in and out whenever he wanted.. and disappeared forever once again a couple years ago without giving a phone # or anything, and because everyone pretty much that i know in my life has left.. i think everyone will leave. and i don't trust anyone. i actually had the opposite problem a few months ago. which is sort of funny. because everyone had left (but a few people) i felt betrayed by people but i have always been a person to trust people right away, too much.. trust people i shouldn't trust. i wanted to trust people. i had hope that people would stay, not hope but more like.. i wanted to prove to myself that some people would go but not everyone. then October 2007 happened and although it would have been an adequate reason to think everyone would leave, i resisted and still maintained the desire to prove my experiences wrong. A few months ago was like the straw that broke the camels back, and i hardly know what that even means but.. i finally realized, no one stays. everyone goes. I have to convince myself everyday that Tim is the exception. actually, to be fair, he has to :/ there's other things like this (a lot) but i am too tired to keep going.. the point is, I am needy... i would rather i wasn't.. but i am who i am. and the problem wasn't entirely me. its situations and finding the right person to understand the situations that made me me. being with/around people who didn't "get it" have just added to the situation. and then there is Tim. i hope by writing this i can be more self aware and stop myself. i think like anything you want to quit, admitting it's a problem is the first step to recovery.. and talking about it heals or something. idk. but i know Timmy will always be there for me, as long as it takes to get over all this crap. Its realizations like this that constantly prove how perfect Tim is in every way. Since he proposed i have never doubted he was my soul mate. i never doubted that we would end up together. but its not until actually being married for a while that i truly understand what that means, what a soul mate is.. He is the only person who understands what i wrote above and takes necessary action. he knows how to build me up and calm me down. he knows what to say in most situations and he'll learn the rest. the point really, is that he wants to. that is a soul mate. the only person on earth who genuinely care and want to understand, who will love all of you, the best parts and the worst. take your past and replace it with a future. he tells me i am strong. i used to believe that. recently as everything sort of seemed to get worse all at once, I've felt weak. but i think i am somewhat strong.. i can be.