I was reading yahoo articles, as i usually do.. even if they are stupid. its a habit. anyways came across one called "understanding the mind of a man" or whatever. and it just annoyed me. i didn't bother reading, i knew it was dumb, but i skimmed and found a few things that i thought were interesting but at the same time, i don't exactly agree and i feel that although this is probably true of some men, even most. Its only true of immature men. and immature people. i think its just immature. not exactly a characteristic of a particular gender. the article said this: ".... "I'm sorry" is often expressed in similar ways. After you have an argument with your husband over something is obviously his fault, instead of waiting for the words "I'm sorry" watch for the message in his actions. You may see him quietly polishing your car or emptying the dishwasher. Doing something for you may be his way of expressing regret. In fact, saying "I'm sorry" can be a much harder challenge for some men than saying "I love you." For men, talk (like so many interactions) is about hierarchy and one-ups-manship. So when a man apologizes, he doesn't look at it as a way of bonding (as a female does); he looks at it as losing stature. Take it from me, for a guy, that's major. You may be tempted at this point and say, "Grow up!" But I'm not here to reform men. I'm just here to explain them. Suffice it to say, that one reason that some men won't apologize is because they don't want to feel like less of a man -- even though they are sorry...." i realize now why some of the "men" (and i use that term loosely)can not seem to grasp the concept of a genuine apology. what it means to BE sorry.. its not because they are men. its because they AREN'T men. They are boys. immature and prideful. These boys, aka, my brother and Brett are so insecure with themselves that they can't even say sorry for fear of feeling like a failure. and its understandable for a failed man to not want to feel even more like a failure. they are both losers and if i were either of them i would dodge situations where i'd feel even more like a loser too. unless i obviously did something wrong and i knew it and they knew it.. i would unlike them, say i was sorry because i think running away from your problems and the hurt you caused people makes you more of a failure. saying your sorry and meaning it, makes you a winner. this article wasn't entirely useless.. the whole thing about when guys don't say sorry they "show" it by doing something for you basically saying they regret what they did or said. and that is helpful to know and i think its true. but its also helpful because it just reiterates what i already knew. that Jason and Brett are not sorry. Not just because they didn't say so but they don't show it either. and never will. maybe if they showed it i wouldn't idk feel like i needed to uhm.. smash their faces into a spikey wall.. actually no. it would be nice to see they were sorry but I'd like it to be said also. what can i say, I'm greedy. But I'm not going to hold my breath on people like this. I used to let myself until I found out this wasn't the only way people deal with things. There's people like Timmy. Mature MEN who know how to deal with situations. they aren't afraid to say sorry when they are wrong and they mean it AND show it. Thats what a real man does. they don't go around being a psycho and hurting people and then wondering why the person doesn't want to have anything to do with them... my feet are NUMB! it is so cold in here. I read my book. a long way down. first time in weeks. maybe a month. 3rd sitting and almost done. it's pretty good so far.. the itouch is pretty awesome. there are so many applications. games. email. books. music. restaurant finder. GPS. etc. its cool because he's been wanting to read for a while but he's like me.. he gets bored. but with the itouch for some reason it makes it less boring or something. so he's been reading. its so funny. in bed last night. i felt like a typical married couple. we usually play games before bed or i watch tv for a little or i stay on the computer for a while. but last night i was reading one of the text books and taking notes with my book light and he was reading his itouch book. and it was just funny.. he downloaded some books for me too. I've been doing a lot of research on film composers/ film scoring. getting myself prepared for when I start working on George's website. I'm a little nervous. But I'm excited. This will be my first real professional working site. it all goes well that is. hopefully. i haven't responded to my mom's email. not sure if i will. like i said, i had been getting over it. and i was. and then she is like "oh just kidding..." and pops back up. and its like. stop it already. and then Brett does it. and then Vannessa does it. and I'm starting to think God is just messing with me. like haha look at you... all helpless and unknowing.. what are you going to do about it? huh? HUH? as he pokes me with a stick... its annoying. I think i mentioned that she sent us a Christmas package. it had a jacket for me, and a photo album that she made with a bunch of pictures of me and tim. the jacket was an 8/10... that's a large if you don't know womens sizes.. and well.. i am an extra small or small in jackets.. 4 at the largest. so that's like half the size of the jacket. i mean it was just weird. Tim was like "she's your mom, shouldn't she know your size" and i was like "maybe she just figures i am miserable and got fat". Just for future reference, i typically lose weight when i am stressed out. As for the photo album thing... Tim said it first and best.. its just creepy. like.. what is she thinking? same with the Brett thing. like she had a bunch of captions under the pictures and some of them were trying to be funny. like one was a picture of Tim and Sage (Jason's dog) and under it says "the other woman?" and it's like... what? you can't be on that bad of terms with people and then, send them a gift that would normally come from a mother you were especially close to. like best friend mother daughter relationships.. that would be expected but me and my mom have never really been close like that. and especially not now. at all. we're so far from ok. so it was just a little (a lot) awkward. This was obviously something that took a lot of time. I mean even for someone like myself who works in photoshop frequently, this would take a chunk of time. and for her to ignore me and my phone calls and emails for so long... she had to be working on this during that time. she didn't do this in 4 days unless it was all day. she just got a job apparently so that's not true. so its like a slap in the face (yet again) because its like... i don't want you to spend all this time photoshoping my pictures and making a present.. i want you to stop ignoring my phone calls and deal with the problems... seriously i still don't know what to think. I'd like to say this to her. and ask what she was thinking. but i realize its useless. no matter how hard i try. or how obviously crazy she is.... she doesn't get it. it being anything. so. why bother. she didn't put the receipt in the box either. she just put a note saying she has it. but i don't really feel like asking for it. maybe I'll just send them back with a note.. or nothing. she should be able to take the hint. cleaned the desk. looks nice. makes my brain feel less cluttered too. i was reading some old entries today. i was trying to find out exactly when i got Jefri. after a while i discovered it was around February 05. which i could have guessed but i wanted to be a little more sure. so that makes him 4- 4 1/2 years old. because he was either 3 or 6 months when i got him i can't remember but i am pretty sure it was 3... he was pretty small. then again he was a dwarf bunny... so who knows. had to find out because i want to get him neutered soon. very soon. 6 years is when it starts getting risky. but anyways while i was reading i found one entry about this party at my house for Christmas or something. must have been a holiday party of some kind. and it was when i was with or not with Andres. i forget and i dunno my mom was so annoying. at the party she was talking to Ryan and Andy about me and the things she said. were so.... stupid. she told Ryan i thought he was a snob. why would she say that? and she was trying to set me up with him when i was with someone. it was just Andres, but still.... that's not right man. and its just another example of how controlling and manipulative and ridiculous she can be. there's more and that's the really short version but still.. she's crazy. my chesticles feel big today. haha Tim liked his last present i think. actually i dunno. it got here the day after Christmas, and i wrapped it real fast and put a bow on it. it was so embarrassing. more than i thought it would be. but it was funny. bah.