I am finally learning spanish. Consistently. I've tried before and give it a day or 2.. probably made it up to a week once and learned a handful of words... but not now. nope. I've been learning on the kindle fire with that Duolingo app. Its pretty cool. It says I know 170 something words. And not just like cat and numbers and hi but like other stuff. Its getting easier. I can dicipher certain things i hear now... if they are said slow enough. So that's good.. I'd like to be able to respond to questions asked of me in spaish with something more than a blank stare.. or look of contrition.

x1... also known as my mother to those just joining us... called the day before Easter. She said her usual piece about missing me and loving me and sounding all "welpy" that's my made up word for the tone of her voicemails. Welpy - an adjective - to spew out wishy washy seemingly sentimental nonsense that usually induces feelings of anger in your target audience. I could have come up with a better definition given some time but I don't feel like putting too much thought into it right now... Anyways. it was just stupid. she is just so annoying. i can't even. idk. She did it on purpose. she is an emotional vulture. peck peck peck while I am already down. I am trying to move on from the evil people. I'm trying to forget. and then i get these strategically placed phone calls every so often to pull me back under. go away. I don't want to hear about how you "miss me and love me" and "don't know how to make it right or what to do" because we both know its bullshit. I've told her over and over and over exactly what is wrong and what i need and how she can make it right. Its nothing new and its not irrational. I am sick of double standards and I am sick of being seen in a way that is so incredibly unbalanaced from those around me. I am sick of her taking everyone elses side, especially my brothers, over mine. Even when he is so obviously wrong. She takes pride in protecting him and holding him in high regard. I'm so sick of her thinking I don't see what she is doing. Thinking she can get away with it. Thinking she is innocent in all this. We see it. Tim sees it. others see it but don't care as much. I don't want to care and day by day I care less and less. I wait for the day when I don't care at all. I was there once. Before we started talking this last time. I was completely indifferent but I made a mistake.. It had been so long and I was so indifferent that I forgot how I got there. So I had no reason not to return. I wont forget this time. I wont take her being nice to me or not arguing with me as her changing. i should have known. the last time we stopped talking was pretty much the same as this time. the last time i insisted we talked about what was going on with jason and myself and she refused and i never got answers. then she lets time go by thinking it just erases those wounds and somehow answers all my questions. it doesn't. but i was almost desparate for connection. i let all my doubts and hesitations go. I forgot how terrible it felt to be put so snuggly in my place. i was happy in my ignorance. for a time. i wont do it again. Tim didn't even want me to respond. He said if you respond just say like 2 things.. don't put too much time into it. I tried but I can't help it.. once i start I cant stop. but i let him read it and he said it was good and stayed on topic and like usual it was exactly what she says i never say so she has no excuse and is just going to sound utterly insane like she always does if she continues to say i do not tell her how to fix things or what is wrong. one of the last things i said was "you will continue to use the convenient excuse that i simply dont want to hear from you period instead of admitting to just not being able to put me before anyone... so continue to only care to call on or around holidays and i will continue to send these messages (until i stop giving this my time) and you will read and absorb nothing as usual." And llike usual she did not reply. Because it is a ruse. She only contacts me so she can go back to her "growth" group or whatever she does these days and tell them she "tried" and then they feel sympathetic and pray for her .. a mother mourning her wayward daughter. how sad. UHG. How do they not see? I've been saying it since I was a teen... I saw it when we would have crazy fights and screaming matches and then a person from church would come over and suddenly she wants me to come down stairs and smile and touch my hair like nothing happened. And i didn't know it then but it just played into her whole poor mommy picture. She's just a bundle of love and no matter what she tried her wretched daughter wanted nothing to do with her..."see! see how she recoils! She hates me!" Well obviously after only hours before you were threatening to kick me out for not doing the dishes. I swear she only invited people over after big fights for this reason. And her friends would look at me like i was a disrespectful brat that just couldn't be helped. To them I had no reason to be the way i was. What did they know. Assholes. Try living with her bitches. O well. I know better now.

annette hasnt called me. why do people expect me to care more about their projects than they do?

King Geoffery is dead. woot.

I shaved Choli because she had too many mats because she refuses to be brushed... but she wouldnt sit still long enough.... Tim says she looks like a clydesdale horse...

el gato duerme sobre el mono.