Listening to: snow patrol- run
Feeling: anxious
although some people would disagree.. i think i am incredibly stupid.. a complete and total idiotic girl..
that was so hard.. ah. that was awful.. well not all of it.. the end was better than bad. but it was still the hardest thing.
i made bad decisions.. and the stupid part is.. im actually afraid to say what i did.. but.. idk... im just so ashamed of what i did.. but i come to grips with the fact that it doesnt define me. it doesnt have to and it never will.. i wont be labled under that category. this will never happen again. i know people would say "never say never and always" but.. i wont.. I will NEVER be that stupid.. and if i am.. I will seriously just devote myself to never being with anyone ever again.. it hurts hurting peoplee.. oi. that stupid book even said "hurt people hurt people" and im so hurt. I am. was and am. and its no excuse i know but gosh.. i dunno. maybe if i would have waited longer to start something new? maybe if i would have been more open.. or maybe some more accountability.. i talk to alot of people.. but really.. i get advice from alot of people.. i dont really open up and share things.. like deep things and things i wouldnt want to be judged for.. but i probably should. i want to call talya. maybe talk to her tomorrow. like i said before.. shed be a good friend and we both need one right now.. and i dont think she would think less of me.. i hope not anyways but i think i could tell her things and she could tell me if i were being stupid and what to do. and its just always nice having a girl friend to talk to cuz were gonna be or are going thru the same issues and blah.. anyways.. sean said he forgives me.. but i dont think it will be that easy to forgive myself. maybe by talking to people or just talya or something.. maybe my mom too.. i'll get some healing from it in some ways but i think i will always feel guilty.. i just cant imagine not having that feeling.. i dunno. i hurt alot of people this week.. i wish i would have prayed about thigns before acting on an impulse.. i am a pretty spontaneous person but i'd like to think i have common sense.. usually i do. i try. Sean is so amazing.. he has been the only thing thats right in a lifetime. theres been bad and theres been good.. ups and downs... sad and thrilling.. but nothing has ever felt right.. not like this. i just got off the phone with him. i really didnt want to go. i wish i could talk to him all nite but i dont know what to say really and he has to get his sleep.. unfortunately. heh. but yeah he didnt make a decision tho.. i dunno when that will be but.. if he decides to just be friends.. i will be the best friend he ahs ever had. i really will. i will always be there for him and i will always love him and i wont be afriad to tell him the truth about anything.. and i'll let him eat my pizza.. sal came over today and he had a HUGE box of pizza and he knows whats going on and so i thought "oh how nice.. he brought me pizza to cheer me up" lol so i asked for a piece of pizza and he said nO! jerk. heh but yeah sorry that was off subject but.. i dunno.. i'll be a good friend... and maybe it would be better? cuz i could show him. instead of tell him.. i could really prove to him how much he means to me. yeah. i could. im an idiot. oi. i just ah.. when i was talking to him.. i was crying and HE.. HE said "i wish i was there to hold you" and im thinking.. what? you want to hold me? I want to really just hurt me.. i want to torture me and you want to hold me? yeah... he wouldnt yell at me. the most he did was slightly raise his voice to ask how i could say i love him all day after that. and blah. he's amazing. and i want him. and i love him. it took something so crazy selfish and dumb not to see that but to stop being so scared and doubtful and stop thinking thigns that arent true and just love him. i just love him. and if he doesnt want to be with me ok.. ok then. but thats it then. im done with relationships for.. well at least a long time. sean or no sean.. no one else. focusing on bigger things would be good.. like God and family and schoool and stuff. ah i dont know... i am anxious.. anxious to know things. anxious to see him. cuz i dont even know when that will be. anxious to talk to him. anxious to talk to people.. afraid to be judged. oi. so afraid. and mostly i just.. i miss him.
so much more to say.. but im thinking im just gonna try and sleep now..
-imaginary