blah. I feel like a mashed potato

Yesterday or the day before or something updated my facebook status with "its times like these i wish i had a real mom. that i could talk to. but whenever i feel that way i tell myself that i will try that much harder to be the best mom i can be to my kids. but i can't say that right now. i might not get the chance to." Carol sent me a message today, subject "I'll be your mom!" and a nice message saying i should call her because she's a good listener. I thought it was a really nice message. But i can't get myself to call her. I feel like butt. Sometimes it feels like it takes so much effort just to engage in a conversation. But then its weird because I'll be way overly cheery and obnoxious sometimes too. Its so up and down. The cheery side is a lie.. but it keeps people from asking questions. I want to use that side to call Carol.. but i can't because its not like i can just turn it on and off. ANd the subject matter isnt exactly fun stuff. I think i might have pcos. and i want to talk about it. but idk. i don't think tim realizes how horrible it would be if im right. or he doesnt care. but I'd like to think he just doesn't realize.. or he's overwhelmed with other things. Its this, and my period, and no job, ect thats making not having health insurance really horrible right now. i ran out of pills. and they werent even the right ones. but it was better than nothing i guess. another week of nothing.. i had a break down last night. and I've been so annoyed with everything for weeks. i have this constant need to scream. or cry. or punch someone in the face. i wait all day for tim to come home. i cant wait. but when he gets here. he just annoys me. its not his fault. its mine. i feel like im always apologizing. and if he's not annoying me. I'm annoying him. he always thinks i have alterior motives. when i bring something up there is a reason behind it.. when i just want to talk. for no reason. just to talk. Sometimes I feel like i dont even know him. like this entry my thoughts lately have just sort of run together. one miserable thought to the next. and then the most irrelevant thing knocks me out of it. like if tim brings be home candy or something. i think i might be crazy. aw. my itunes is on shuffle. boston by augstana just came on. i thought i would get over not having a wedding. nope. i think about it almost everyday. and not it a "i wish i had a wedding" wishy washy way. no. more like.. it would have been ok. if she wasnt there. she ruined my wedding. so why did i let her be a part of the day we actually got married? She ruined my wedding and she will forever taint the memory of getting married. whatever. they dont even care. they dont care that i have aspergers. they wouldnt care if i had pcos. they wouldnt care if i was pregnant and had a miscarriage. they only care about how they look. they dont actually care if i am around. i want to move again. the only thing the could possibly make me want to stay is acting. but i dont act. its a stupid dream that wont come true just like all the rest. all i have is tim. and im pushing him away everyday. at least it feels like it. he doesnt look at me the same. Someday Jefri will die. and then i will really be alone.