I'm afraid I wont be strong enough not to contact him at some point. But i dont want to. One day at a time. I'm trying to remember that when I feel the urge to know how he is doing.. to know its ok to let God handle it. Trusting God is hard anyways but this feels impossible sometimes. Not that I've ever been able to protect Max from himself.. and I dont have any children but.. the only way I can describe the anxiety is like having a newborn baby and then having it taken away immediately and told it will be fine.. you can see your baby in a few months. we're not going to tell you where it is or who its with. Just trust us, its fine. I mean its different because I dont think I will ever see him again. I don't want to. I don't want to want to.

I'm afraid of myself. I have boy cried wolf syndrome. I realized recently that I've been wanting him to "say what he means and mean what he says" for so long that I didnt realize that I had the same problem.. not in general like he obviously did. But I would say he couldnt hurt me anymore, and then let him. And I would try to be open about my feelings and frustrations and what I needed, but as we talked more and he broke me down more and more.. i would withdrawal into myself and pretend I could handle anything.

I'm afraid of living my mothers life. I feel bad for saying that but at least she got a family. I want a family. I am 31. Now it wont happen. I dont want to date yet but if I started I am pretty much already considered desperate for a family just by age alone. But why is that a bad thing? I hate that word.. desperate: feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with. I'm not desperate. I know, especially after the last 3 -4 years, that no situation is too bad as to be impossible to deal with. I can accept if I don't have a family. But I want one with all my heart and I will grieve the idea of it when it really does become too late. I dont think its a bad thing to know what you want. I wish I hadn't sabbatoged my marriage. I wish I had been more cautious with Max. I thought I was.

I am the new phone list person for another group. So now I am the secretary for Monday night group and phone list person for Sunday night.

I've been wondering why I've been feeling so.. out of control.. i wrote down all the meetings i could remember going to.. 10. 10 since i got here on the 24th of december. that's 10/30 days. I know it seems like a lot to anyone not in the program but for me.. i immediately knew why i havent felt as strong as i did to carry all these decisions out like i did in eau claire. I've been struggling so much. in eau claire i sometimes went to 2 a day. I mean and thats only because only 2 were available. i really was desperate for something back in november/december. I went to meetings almost everyday, sometimes 2 a day, for a month and I felt amazing. even on horrible days I felt something i cant explain. I dont feel it anymore. I mean i get bits here and there of that feeling. but its so short lived and it feels less. but I'm starting to get to know the people here more.. its starting to feel more homey.

Max and I stopped talking Friday and I've gone to a meeting 3 days in a row. I always dread going and love staying. I feel better after. even if its a small improvement. even if it only lasts for the meeting.. its a nice break from constant anxiety. and being around people who just "get it". My friends don't understand. I told someone tonight at the meeting "they don't understand the pull they have".. as she nodded her head profusely in agreement. She told me no one there will ever judge me for the decisions I make. Its so strange because if I am really honest with myself, its THAT nonjudgement that really helped most i think. Its that "you know what to do" attitude in general from the group that helped me get there on my own. And, my amazing well meaning friends.. i love them.. but it was their "what the hell jeni? Why?... but he did this and that.. and havent you had enough..." and on and on and on.. and it was my stubborn nature whispering in my ear "prove them wrong" or "you're not a failure" or "they'll all say I told you so". Never mix love with stubbornness.

My anthropology class is a little scary. I mean in other classes its a clear question and a clear answer. I mean even in english classes, or political science where you hve to give your opinion.. its really mostly base don the writing and effort and for the most part there are a lot of facts and statistics in polisci to draw from. It is and it isnt opinion based. The statistics arent theories. Anthropology and evolution and such.. its all theories and opinions and I'm going to be graded on it.. i feel like I'mgoing to be ripped to pieces just for enrolling in a class i needed. I hate talking about religion or politics anywhere but here, with very close family/friends, or.. yep thats it. I do not enjoy debating my values and beliefs. And I don't like being perceived as trying to talk others out of theirs or risk offending people just by saying how i feel about mine. I dont know.

Good news is I am almost definitely going to get an A in my Java class. i mean i know its early but its being taught by an instructor i had last semester and she was amazing and I got an A. I just love her teaching style and I have never said that about any teacher, ever. And I'm doing great in spanish. I am taking such random classes but theyre necessary for transfer I guess. sometimes i feel like its a waste of time. But everything I am doing is good.. I mean I've always wanted to.. scratch that.. I've always been told I should learn spanish and I've never actualy wanted to. I've always been adamantly against it. But I have always wanted to learn A language. So why not spanish.

I am afraid i have procrastinated with this court stuff too long. But idk what to do. It overwhelms me. I need to just do it. I wish kodi could stay here on his own.. but now he is being a little jerk and digging in the grass. a lot. like a huge hole. idk what to do about it.

I think he has separation anxiety due to.. well several things. all the change, moving here, the dogs here dont want to play with him, and losing max. i mean max was a part of his life since the day i got him. minus 2 months and since i left in dec he was a part of 10 out of 14 months of his life. I need to get him into some dog training classes.

I need a lot of things.. i just havent had any motivation or energy. extreme brain fog. extreme fatigue. Insomnia. I know I'm depressed. But unlike other bouts of depression, I'm staying on top of self care for the most part and pther responsibilities. especially school.

I'm afraid my car is going to crap out.. i need an oil change. and a tune up. its making weird noises. it was supposed to last me another 10 years. instead.. i drove it to and from wisconsin 2 times. and to and from missouri to wisconsin like 6 times.

I'm afraid all my hair is going to turn white by the time i'm 35. only a couple here and there right now but still.