and you can't join em... i hear some alcohol can have a nice little numbing feeling. why not give it a try. i don't want to care anymore. i don't want to feel anything. i just want to be numb. we'll see.. ----------------------------------- i found out this week, I'm not strong so why try to be? i had my first cigarette today. and i'm about to get drunk for the second time in life. it kinda hurt my throat a little and i coughed a few times but it wasn't that horrible and.. kinda dumb but i feel a little better. maybe in an hour i'll feel completely fine. I'm sick of trying to be an influence for people who don't listen and be a good kid for people who never cared. they made their minds up with or without me. suck it world u don't want me i don't want you and i could care less -------------------------------------------- ok so smoking and drinking sort of backfired... not like i behaved in a destructive way or anything because of it... but.. i realized about 30 minutes later... crap... I'm on birth control pills. i figured i didn't have to worry since... i had just started the pack on Sunday and this all happened today. well then i started getting weird sharp pains in my calf and i remember reading about how that happens with bcp's... so i read the little packet again, and it said that blood clots increase with smoking.. so just to be on the safe side.. i called my doctor. annnnd found out i don't actually have a doctor.. but i talked to someone and they said that i need to go to the nearest hospital and get a blood test. and i was like.. 'really? cuz its not that big of a deal, its really not even hurting anymore.. and i don't smoke it was my first one... is it really necessary?' and she was like... yeah no question. so if she had been 99% sure, i wouldnt have gone but because she was worried, i figured i might as well. well we spent 2 hours in the hospital to find out its not a blood clot or anything.. who knows what.. probably a cramp. o well. but they told me not to smoke anymore while I'm on bcp's. yeah... i figured.. i could continue bcp's or smoke... i guess it really came down to sex or smoking? i fall in love with timmy more and more everyday. i mean. sometimes he gets under my skin, and i get under his.. it happens. but we can't stay mad at each other for more than a few minutes without laughing or forgetting or making up. he was so mad at me today. for being dumb.. he came in and gave me evil eyes and kinda scared me a little.. for a second. i was in the room getting ready to leave and he pulled my face to his mouth and was like "eww!" cuz it smelled like smoke still... so i was brushing my teeth and he came in and said "this is the first immature thing you've ever done.." and i started crying. later we talked and he said that they [my family.. the lame ones anyways] don't deserve to be a part of my life. he's right. we're better than this. i am so grateful for him and that God thought enough of me to put him here to get me through everything. no one else could do it better. no one could love me better. i just needed to go a little out of control.. even if it was for a day. i don't regret it. i found out a lot today. mainly, i am going to be fine. And i don't have to prove anything to anyone. i can be who i am and at the end of the day if all i have in this silly life is Tim, then it was a good day. I used to not care so much about what people thought about me.. i don't know when things changed and it became everything... but i didn't even realize that was the problem until today... i don't have to care what people think. if i don't have a relationship with my mother, its between us and no one else. and if they want to form opinions out of nothing, then they can and maybe its better that i don't try to be in a relationship with those people.. if thats how they make decisions. if people pull out of their commitments to support my mom, then maybe i don't want their support. maybe its better i don't have it. they don't know the situation and i don't have to make them understand anymore. whether we have 80 guest show up or 10... at least we'll know its 10 people that genuinely care about us. some things do upset me tho.. i called my mom last night. i have been calling. she said i am one sided. but i have never said i am perfect.. and i am the one who wants to resolve things and talk. even when things are fine she doesnt listen. i called and jason answered. i was crying or something and he asked what was going on and i told him she wouldn't answer my calls and listen to me and the thing with grandma and when we met too get shoes came up and he knew or thought he knew all about it. and it was so crazy how my mom twisted the story. grandma knew i was upset with my mom. she knew i didnt want to go anymore, and i said i would go on my own. but she convinced me to let her come down and i wouldnt have to see my mom. she'd go with my mom and i would take the girls. apparently she never said that to my mom, or she told her that we would meet and go together. i don't know why she wouldn't just say the truth. and then my mom got offended, like i just decided this right then and there and i don't know... but what pisses me off most, is that she talks to jason about me. she NEVER wants to talk about jason to me. or anything. even when things are fine, she can talk talk talk but if i talk... she shuts me up or makes me feel bad about something i said or just plain does not listen. she does not let me talk about anything. and she talks to him about me, and lies about me.. either this is grandmas fault... or she is just a liar. i say the second from experience. but who knows... grandma has been acting pretty shady lately. anyways after hearing that, i say... what? that's not what happened... grandma told me to take the girls the day before on the phone. and instead of... oh, ok... or something... he's like 'well i have to go.. I'll talk to you later'. which makes me laugh. i just wanted to say.. 'really jason? will u? will u talk to me later? will u forget about being mad over the stupidest crap even tho i forgive u for EVERYTHING and talk to me.. look at me... ??" no. u wont. so don't kid yourself. she sent me an email. and in it she said something like how she was going to spend all morning praying and fasting. and in the email before she threw her religion on my face and said how she basically has a relationship with god, but i don't. honestly.... i don't know who she is praying to... but its not God. you don't have a relationship with God like she claims to have, and act like this... turn your whole family against you... talk about you... ruin your most important day.... her own daughter... who? maybe... you know maybe she is a closet Mormon and she can't admit it... she's been praying to a guy named john all these years. it sure would make a lot more sense.. anyways. i felt like throwing in the towel. well I've been feeling like that. its been up and down everyday this week.. but i know that will only give her what she wants. she's doing this on purpose and i wont let her crush my spirit like she has my whole life. did i mention i love timmy? he is magnificent. everyday it becomes more clear how perfect he is for me. he gets me and he listens and he validates my feelings. i write this to remember my past.. i like looking back to see how things have changed.. or how i changed. its for me, so i write like no ones reading.. but i guess since this is a public diary, some people do.. so i just want to say... to anyone abused in their family.. don't feel ashamed for walking away. no one deserves to be treated like that by people who are supposed to protect them.. and you shouldn't have to feel like its your fault. people will leave and reject you because they think you aren't being loyal... people would rather turn their backs then fight for what's right... but who wants to be surrounded by cowards? surround yourself with warriors. sometimes you have to figure out what matters more... having people in your life who live by conditions and manipulation and be a part of something you never wanted... or walk and see who stays by your side and doesn't bring judgment or manipulation... no one should live with their hands tied behind their back.