so i havent written in this for a couple days..
andres emailed me. and you know.. just last week or maybe a little longer i was thinking about both brett and and andres and how i would like to be ther friends still and i thought thatd be ok.. kinda. but ive been praying about it and i decided.. you know.. that reallly is not neccessary. and at first i was thinking "right now". thats not neccessary right now, but now.. i dont think it would be smart to ever be friends with them. why? whats the point? they dont go to my church and they dont have anything to offer me that i cant get from sean or any other friend. and it sucks and its hard to think that that part of my life is over but.. you know what? thats the thing.. that part of my life is soo over. and with or without sean.. or anyone.. i wouldnt welcome those relationships back at all. i dont need them and i dont want to bring any bagage into my future relationship thats hopefully my last relationship. so yeah.. i decided not to respond. and not to want to be friends with either of them. and i think thats best for everyone. brett and andres have hung out and i dunno how thats going but i really hope that they can become friends again because i never meant to break that. well.. didnt mean for alot of things.
anyways.. so. grrr. I'm kinda upset right now. not like mad mad.. more like.. "whAAAAAAAAAAA?" is replaying in my head over and over.. and I am such a stupid girl... i see a red flag and i run right past it. I dont want to. i mean.. i kinda paused to look at it and then passed but blah. no! no no no no. Im not going to do this.. Im not going to play stupid high school games with someone who isnt even in highschool. we are too old for this kinda nonsense. I feel like i am ready to be with someone. I would not be opposed to being single if thats really what God wanted from me but i really feel like I am at a point where i am ready.. and Im not perfect or anything or think i have all the answers.. in fact its pretty much the opposite. im to point where I KNOW i dont have all the answers and i nEED God to be in control and other peoples advice.. because if you think about it, no one is ever really ready for a relationship. but yeah, i just think im ready because i dont want to take a relationship lightly. i dont want to date. i am with sean and we know that we're dating for marriage already and i think thats great. but because thats the goal of our relationship.. it cant be handled how normal people would handle stupid problems. and yeah, so im taking this serious... i dont want to move forward if somethings telling me he isnt the one for me. and if we arent willing to change (not who we are but certain things that shouldnt be, with or without the other person) and we arent willing to make neccessary sacrifices.. we shouldnt be together. i'm a little insecure but what girl isnt? but because of that, im a little afraid to approach these issues because i might come off needy or clingy when that is not my intention at all. or controlling. I have no desire to control sean or anyone.. i want this to work and i am thinking about the future. right now it seems like its weird but down the road.. these issues will come up and really cause problems and hurt that could have been avoided. and i know that i would make the neccessary sacrifices for sean if he was uncomfortable or something with something i was doing. i know he doesnt have a problem with brett or andres right now.. but thats because i have already made the decision not to be in contact with them. but what if they wanted to talk online? and i said ok. or on the phone? or hang out.. yeah.. by keeping bianca around he's just going to keep growing closer and closer to her, no matter how pointless the conversation. pdk always tells me that when you are serious about your wife/husband whether your in a realtionship at the time or not.. ur going to start making changes in urself and start preparing yourself for them. he said that the main thing is "cutting chords" with ex's (especially.. hands down should just be common sense and if its not then screw the whole thing)and close relationships with the opposite sex... i mean.. cmon now its not that hard to figure out why. its not a trust issue either. i trust sean as much as i can with what i know of him and the time i've spent with him.. its not about trust at all.. its about how serious he is about us. and honestly.. right now.. i really am having doubts about how serious he really is about it. and oi. he "wants the cake and to eat it too".. whatever that means. who knows. nvm bleh. i hope im not being a jerk by writing this stuff. im just kinda upset and its my diary anyways.. and i cant write what i want and seans apart of my life and so.. he gonna have a little cameo from time to time.
so what else... talya came over a while ago to pretend we know how to play good music. it was fun none-the-less. i love that word. 3 in 1! its awesome. yeah...
oh. she's going to come with me to coc when i get back from the delta cuz she knows some of the people there and said they'll get me into any class i want.
also.. she's gonna be graduating this next year and when she does she's going to be a uturn leader. and my mom's been wanting me to be a leader too.. and out of no where talya asked if id be interested in that if we did it together.. and daniel love is the guy who does all the film stuff and sound.. and we've both been looking to serve in a ministry but havent found one.. and we both are loving film type stuff so we're going to ask pdk if we can do the uturn videos and sound stuff since daniellove works free lance alot and has so much going on that he's so busy and cant make new videos. so yeah.. that should be awesome.
got a drum lesson today. grr.i feel like im going nowhere quick. im kinda ready to just throw in the towel. seriously. i mean.. whats the point? im not good enough to be anything more than a stereotypical drummer chick who cant play her insturment well cuz i have boobs.. crap! i dont even have boobs!... i suck twice. but yeah my drum lesson.. we've been on the same things for months now. and its ridiculous. and we're not paying alot but it adds up and that money could be used towards more practical things.. like a freaking car. i want a caaaaaaaaar. er. but i love drums. i already gave up bmx.. so itd kinda suck to give this up too. maybe i can trade my drums in for a bike. :(
crappfully yours,
(haha...)
the duck
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