i asked Timmy today if he thinks life just "turns out" how it is going to turn out.. and fate is undeniable.. or if he thinks we are given opportunities and we can choose to take them or not and we have to live with the results or consequences of those decisions. At first i think he thought i was trying to test him or something.. when really it was just a dumb question.. i think he tried to pick the answer i wanted. maybe not. but he said the first one.. and i was like really? and i was talking about it with him and how i can't imagine our fates just being set in stone for us before hand.. in the bible it says we're given free will.. to make our own decisions... to me it would feel pointless living a life knowing no matter what i will end up wherever fate had determined ahead of time. it would be pointless to live. after hearing my opinion, Timmy changed his mind and said i was right. I'd like to think God has a plan for everyone.. and i believe he has a billion possible outcomes for our lives.. and i believe he tries to open up doors for each of us according to who we are and what we desire.. and we can chose to walk through or walk away but that doesn't mean we we're not meant to accept it or that we're better off because we didn't. maybe we missed out on something he had for us that would be better than what we got in result. its not fates fault.. it's our own.

but that's just my opinion i guess.

we slept in so late today. i got up at 9am.. but when i looked at the clock i thought it said 4pm! so i was like OMG! and got up to get ready.. i peed and brushed my teeth and went to wake timmy.. only to find out it was actually 9.. so i went back to bed and we slept till 1:45! we went grocery shopping. and ate food. watched so u think you can dance but the linky dealies were all screwed up and we missed a whole bunch of it :[ stupid website. and Will, one of my favorites, was sent home! jerks. he was one of the top dancers. boo. i made salmon, rice and artichokes tonight. Timmy says he loves my food and i am getting so much better.. he commented on how i don't even need to look at recipes anymore.. i just know :] i didn't realize it until he said that. its kinda neat!

i talked to my mom this morning.. or when we woke up. like 2. yesterday at heather's wedding i asked about jason and if he still had a problem with me and she got all offended by it thinking i dunno what.. maybe that i was saying he had a problem.. but i was just asking if he was still like not talking to me or something. she didn't want to talk about it. so we didn't. but her china girls were cooking dinner tonight for everyone and we were supposed to be there at 4. so i didn't want to show up and bring it up and fight. so i called. and we fought. and nothing ever gets resolved. because she thinks she understands but she doesn't. and she thinks she tries with jason but she doesn't. he wouldn't treat me bad if she didn't let him for ... MY WHOLE LIFE. i can't really write the whole conversation because it was so long and ridiculous. but i tried to tell her.. i have a massive amount of issues with jason .. but i am willing to just forget it all.. if he can. she said to forget the past and years and years ago and deal with now.. but what i said about cambria happened almost 2 years ago.. and jason HIT me like 8 months ago.. if she wants to make "most recent" thing the most important than i win on that also. I am sick of being the bigger person with them. and trying and being nice and getting nothing in return. i don't want to drive 30 minutes and waste gas going over there just to feel uncomfortable by my own family. so i told her we couldn't come and of course she laid the guilt trip on me and i felt bad all day because the china girls made dinner.. but whatever. tim told me i did nothing wrong. and he is right.. he said and i know.. that i have been making an effort and there is nothing else i can do. they are being selfish and stubborn.

anyways.

here's a survey, cuz i'm awesome. and gay :]

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?

mhmm. but then i learned that those types of guys don't respect you. and i learned to appreciate romantic gestures and fell in love with them.

Who was the last person to text you?

idk

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?

jones in a can

Ever kissed a brown haired, dark eyed person?

mhmm

What's the worst way to say i love you?

kissing someone else

What is your current annoyance?

I smell

Are you afraid of roller coasters?

nope i likes em.

What would you do if your best friend told you they were moving?

that wont happen.. i live with him

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a J?

yep. 2 people actually. jason and jayson lol. the seconds was just half a kiss tho. and it was gross.

Can you play guitar hero?

hardly

Do you prefer hot or cold weather?

cold

Ever been to a bonfire party?

no

Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah but too long ago

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

wrote a sitdiary. brushed my teeth.

Is this year the best year of your life?

yes!

Do you give out second chances too easily?

yes. way. way. too easily :[ I'm a push over..

Do you flirt a lot?

with timmy

Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?

:[ yes

Have you ever broken someone's heart?

yes. but they broke mine first.

Believe in love at first sight?

nope. well i thought i did once. but that was stupid.

Is heartbreak really as bad as it sounds?

obviously you have not had your heart broken survey asker dude.

Who were you with last night around 9:00 PM?

watching Everwood with timmy

Would your parents be mad if you got pregnant?

no :] cuz I'm married

Are you hungry?

no i just ate

What was the last reason you went to the Doctor for?

i dont know. it was too long ago. i need to get a check up..

Have you ever in any way been betrayed by someone you trust?

yes. pretty much everyone in some way, at some point

Have you ever kissed just a friend?

yeah that jayson guy, it was awkward and we didn't try it again

What was the last thing you said out loud?

hi

Ever gotten your hair dyed?

when i was in high school

What was the first thing you thought when you got up?

omg its 4! but it was actually 9..

Do you like to cuddle?

always

Have you ever been cheated on?

not in the general use of the word

Who is your best friend?

timmy face

What are you doing right now?

uhm..

Is there someone you want that you can't have?

i want him. i have him. he's mineee :]

Can you fill this out without lying?

why would i fill it out with lying? that's pointless

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

a pen

Have you ever kissed anyone?

omg

Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20?

i have no clue

Last time you walked further than a block?

uuuuuuuuuhhh.. we went grocery shopping today...? lol

Name someone that made you laugh today?

timmybearr

When was the last time you saw number 2 on your top friends?

hmm a week ago i think.

How late did you stay up last night and why?

like real late. like 3:30. cuz i'm gay and was all restless

Do you believe ex's can be friends?

i have no idea.

Do you prefer to call or text?

i dont have texting

How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper?

ew

When was the last time you cried really hard?

recently. like a few days ago

Where is your biological father right now?

my aunts house in saugus

What was the last thing someone bought for you?

mmmmm timmy bought groceries.

When is your birthday?

october 21st

Who was the last person you took a picture of?

heather at her wedding :)

Was yesterday better than today?

in some ways

Can you live a day without TV?

yes, i have been.

What are you listening to?

timmy is making noise in the kitchen.. i wonder what he's doing...

Are you mad about anything?

I'm over it.

When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

about 2 weeks ago

Is anything bothering you right now?

a little

Are you a bad influence?

i don't think so.

Night out or night in?

both

Are you more of an individual or an outgoing person?

individual people can be outgoing.. but maybe more an individual.. or something

What 3 items could you not go without during the day?

hair straightener, computer, and phone

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

i dunno. maybe my cousin christina when she had her baby

Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?

lol tim had his pierced when i met him

Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?

why would i do that?

What does the last text message in your inbox say?

i dont know

How do you feel about your life right now?

i'm happy

The next piercing you want to get?

none

How many times have you been pulled over by the police?

like 4 or 5 times lol.. got a ticket 2 times.

Do you hate anyone?

meh

Do you like anyone right now?

i love timmmy

Will you have a valentine this year?

yes i will and for every valentines day after that :}

Anyone upset you lately?

meh

Last person you talked to on the phone?

my mom

Can you tell if someone is fake?

o yes.

How's your heart?

at the moment, wonderfulllen :}

-------------------------------

its amazing how quickly things can change. i'm tired of hurting myself.

---------------------------------

i was thinking. a few weeks ago we were laying in bed. he had told me recently that he kissed stephanie (when we were broken up) so we we're having a talk about it that eventually turned into an argument.. at one point i didn't want to talk anymore and said "ok goodnight" and went to turn to my side.. and he grabbed me and pulled me back and said something like "come over here" or something. it wasn't a big deal and sounds even worse written down than what happened.. but the way he did it,in the moment.. it scared me. and i know he didn't even mean to but i was so scared i couldn't breath. and started to have a mini panic attack. like when babies are so worked up.. they have a crying face but make no sound.. and like forever later.. the cry finally catches up with their mouth.. like that. i tried not to but it wouldn't stop and before i knew it Timmy was apologizing profusely and i was a mess in his arms. i don't know why it scared me so much. maybe because my mom was beaten in her marriage and its just a fear i have. and even tho he didn't hit me.. i felt.. helpless. and i don't like that feeling. only Timmy would react that way though. someone else would get angry or upset or offended. but he knew exactly what was going on in my head and even if he didn't.. i was crying.. and not just crying.. i was scared. and he immediately changed gears and fixed it. it just made me think of how wonderful he is. i know its a weird thing to trigger good thoughts. but it only started bad. i guess u'd have to be in my head to know exactly what it meant. he is the only one who gets me. i love him. he always makes me thankful for being with him. he always strives to understand me. even if i don't deserve it. he never blames. he always forgives. he wants me. and he needs me. he is the perfect husband. he is loving and affectionate and caring and compassionate and responsible and reasonable and patient. and even on a day like today when i wake up to a fight on the phone with my mom and want to just tell everyone to get away from me.. and i am mean and a jerk to him.. he understands and tells me its ok. and he validates my feelings like today when they are justified and on days when they aren't.. he doesn't just listen, he hears me. most of the time and in that sense.. cuz i'm not talking about in general. he is deaf :p he will always be there for me. he is open and encouraging and learning to be a protector and a leader and he is amazing. simple put. he is better than my expectations. he can smell better than any boy I've ever known. he doesn't judge me. he doesn't criticize me. he doesn't hold grudges. he doesn't talk down. he doesn't resent. he makes an effort. he doesn't try to fix things when i just need him to listen. he holds me when i'm sad. he is there when i vent and he never complains. he is more passionate than he used to be. he isn't as tired. he likes to be near me. he likes to laugh at me and with me. he likes to watch me. he likes when i smile. he is helpful in the kitchen. he is a dish washing machine. he loves jefri. he cares for him too. he thinks about him. he misses me at work. he calls to say. he can't help but tickle me. he scratches my back and i don't have to ask. he holds me tight when we sleep. he tries not to drool in my hair :p (jk that only happened once haha) he is great with kids and he wants them someday because he understands Gods purpose for our lives. he told his mom marriage is great :) he tells me he loves me at least a bajillion times a day :D he doesn't get mad if i make a mess.. he doesn't tell me how to dress or do my hair or what to wear. he likes me cuz i'm awesome. he is tall and handsome and has pretty eyes. and a perfect belly button. he has small ears and a small nose and thats important. he is mushy and gushy and a big dork. not to mention a huge nerd. and i love it. he values my opinions. he knows if i am fired up, it must be for a good reason, and it must be very important to me. and he cares about what is important to me. he takes my advice. and he isn't afraid to tell me no when i am wrong. and he apologizes when he realizes i was right.. lol jk. but sometimes. he thinks its great when i always know where his hat and belt are. he is a dancing fool. he puts the lime in the coconut. and i don't mean that in a dirty way. he likes family dinner at the dining table. he says it feels "homey". he likes to take care of things he loves. he doesn't get jealous of my Justin Timberlake infatuation. he knows i will be with him forever if he lets me. he is humble. he is generous. he is mine, and you can't have him.