this is so grammatically incorrect.. if you have problems when reading run-on sentences and improper punctuation... i do not advise you to continue... last night i was watching everwood. on tapes, so its all out of order cuz i never thought to number them.. and sometimes i would need a tape real fast and grab an old one on accident. yeah im lame. but i dont mind. i just like the show. iwish theyd just release the other seasons gosh. anyways. last night i saw the episode where amy is with her bf tommy at this party. and he gives her that date rape drug and she gets all weird and she's a mess. she's walking around the party, through all the people, and she sees colin (her bf who was in acoma and woke up but then died a year later) and so she tries to catch up and he keeeps walking. because it looks like he wants her to follow him. and finally when she does reach him.. he turns around and tells her to go away. and she is like.. "you left me. i loved you and you lefft me all alone" and he just says leave. and she just keeps trying to be near him but he would just tell her to go away and then she said "where do u want me to go? I failed school. i failed Bright. I failed my parents. I failed you. where do you want me to go? because i dont even know where to start" and he said "start by saying goodbye" and eventually she does. and he walks away until he disappears. and i dont know. thats just kind of how i felt. being with tim. not that tim is awful. tim is a great guy and i love him very much but.. being with him was like being amy in that scene. like i was seeing this thing that i wanted so much and i kept chasing it and stumbling all the way.. running after something that wasnt even there. the whole time, it was just an illusion. and no one else could see it but me. everyone thought i was crazy so i pushed them away. and the closer i tried to get.. the further he would go. until finally.. i realized thats exactly what he wanted. he didnt want me to follow him, he wanted me to leave. and thats what I did. Its just hard. Amy tries to go back to normal after the whole thing but its hard because everything changed or she screwed everything up.. thats kid of how i feel. i want to go back to normal but my normal has been tim for so long.. im not really sure what normal used to be. i dont have any friends. i dont have anywhere to go. i need a job. i want to go to school. i want a relationship with my brother without feeling weird. and yeah we are okay now.. but it could be better. we joke and stuff and slowly its getting there but i dunno if it'll ever be the same. i even tried joking with cambria to lighten the mood. maybe it did, im not really sure. well. im gonna go showerrr.