If only I could figure out a way to fix my sleeping habits.. and keep it that way for more than a week at a time.

I have been working on my film and i finally pushed through a creative plateau. I am storyboarding a scene and its going slow and I suck at drawing, but its good enough for what its intended for. at least its a start.

going to be my birthday. i'm not sad about getting older.. its not the numbers. the only reason i hate this birthday is because it has a 7 in it and i loathe the number 7. next year i will be perfectly content being 28 and happily celebrate. well, i will probably celebrate some way this year too... but not very much. stupid 7's. anyways... getting older... fine.. but i dont like looking older but.. i think it will be quite a while before i start looking older.. as vain as that sounds its mostly because i know what i want and i want to get serious about my acting next year.

it was put on hold for tims job and i dont mind but now.. its time. I've explored my other options... in some ways I'm glad its taken so long and I've exhausted every option to finally arrive at this conclusion... I now know I will never be more passionate (careerwise) about anything but acting, maybe possibly singing, dancing or being an astronaunt. maybe a pilot. But I do not dance and I wont be an astronaunt and being a pilot sounds cool but wouldnt ever be home and so that leaves acting and singing. And i know thats like saying you want to be an astronaunt. but thats fine. I know now that i dont mind failing at something i love than succeeding at something i hate. i get that now. some people can be perfectly content doing almost anything.. but i already knew what I wanted before I knew why. I am terrified of speaking my own visions, thoughts, ideas, in front of a crowd. but beig on stage.. also scary.. but its not me its a character and i dont have to guess what to say.. its there for me.. and its also SO exciting. and being in front of a camera is the same.

I hated every minute of sitting waiting when i was on the set of that one student film. i mean there were good moments but overall it was brutal.. so much social interaction. meeting llyod was very cool and unexpected though.. he's a great person and I'm so glad I let myself be myself. but the waiting and talking to anyone else.. sucked. until it was my turn. and everything changed and i had them all laughing and even though everyone was tired and it was later way later than we all thought we would be there once my scene finally came.. and even thought they all had gotten quieter and quieter the later it got... when i got there. i made them all smile and laugh between takes and everyone was having fun and one of the directors or producers or whoever he was told me he appreciated my positive energy. I've done that before.. similar situations. Its weird i can be the frowny girl in any other scenerio but when i am doing what i love or around what i love.. it shows and people get me. aspergers doesnt matter on teh set because theyre usually all pretty nutty and so much is going on its hard to notice.. or you can just blame a social mishap on being tired..or thinking about your part or something. people dont think twice. at least from what i can tell. i feel like i belong there.

same with that film i did with casey a while ago when we were extras. they liked me i guess and had me "talking" with one of the "friends" of one of the main characters in the scene. originally i was just talking out of frame with a couple other extras.. but now.. i was a "love interest" and got a lot of camera exposure for an extra. it was the best. i write about it a lot because I loved it so much. everyone was so nice to me and told me how great i did. they knew it was my first time every on a set of any kind and even i didn't know at that moment how much so many of them would have loved to get that chance. i knew it was fun but i wasnt thinking of it as anything else. i really hope they finish it soon. i think they did but for some reason they havent released it yet.. im so anxious to see it. but that gold dress they put me in... i hope it looks better on camera than it did in person :p i hated that thing. but yeah.. 2 days standing in heels in the freezing cold waiting and waiting but i belonged there.

which is why i cant wait to get out of here. i really hope we dont go to visalia. last week it was a 95/5 chance we were.. but time said he thinks they have 5 spots in burbank so now its kinda 50/50. in a matter of 2-3 weeks we will either be in scv or visalia. it sucks.. i mean i really do want to move back to scv.. but part of me doesnt. for timmy. and i guess for me but mostly for timmy. he's made such good friends up here. i know he likes having friends. and i like these guys. they're genuine and nice and i enjoy them.. idk what to do. but its not really up to me. i guess i dont know what to hope for. either way there are pros and cons.

On Thursday Tim worked on Brian and Jaspers cars. Brians was easy, took like 10 minutes. Tim's a beast. :) But Jaspers sucked haha. it took forever and then they couldnt do it because they needed a certain machine to take the thingie majiggy off and Jasper almost had to spend the night but then Jasper tried and got it off all by himself. They bought us pizza.. really really good pizza from cubbies.. and a cheesecake. that cheese cake is freaking delicious. Joey was going to get his oil changed but Tim never heard back from him. its really weird how he does that to his friends.. like.. Tim and i have talked about it so many times about people who are constantly on their phones (which is pretty much everyone but some peoploe more than others) and how we know they are always on their phones yet they ignore calls or texts for days at a time... do they not see how rude that is? Just because we cant see a person ignore a text.. we know they are when we know their phone habits. just a little reeeeedicilous. the party got brought up while we were eating. idk how. oh i think because i still had candy on the counter. and i told them all the other stuff i had planned. and jasper shook his head and said something like man that would have been cool. and tried to apologize for not coming and brian did too but i understood why him and brian didnt come .. they dont watch the show, thatd be silly. i said i just thought i was weird how we cancelled for joey and katie and then told them how he said the thing about watching it with his pastor. honestly i had been thinking maybe i overreacted but when i told them brian and jasper thought it was crazy and jasper said he would have been like 'f u'. haha. that surprised me but he's right... i didn't overreact.. it was a mean thing to say and do. and it hurt my feelings. not that i'll hold it against them.. i dont see the point now. they dont hang out with everyone anymore. its strange. they're very confusing. more than typical people confusion. or maybe the same and i just havent been around many people lately. idk. but brian and jasper and daniel and jerry seem like very straght forward people. nice genuine people. so I'm thankful we got to meet them. I wish i could meet some girls that cool. all the girls my age are just.. different. its hard to explain. we can be alike in a million ways but different in this one way but this one thing is more important than any of the other things combined. for some reason. and its something i cant change. and its aspergers. as i get older it gets more and more obvious how different i am from girls my age or really any age. it just sucks now because before i didnt mind.. i would be like screw girls.. i can have guy friends... but now.. i'm married. and that's frowned upon and weird. except in certain situations like casey or sal but i dont talk to sal anymore because he sucks and casey is too busy or hates me idk which. when i hang out with tim and his friends its cool but sometimes i feel like they are being a lot different than if i werent there.. like they have a chapperone. sucks. like they say jokes and then look at me or say sorry to me.. like i am offended.. but im not. but sometimes my face doesnt do what i want it to do. sometimes i am smiling when i am upset and a lot of times i am frowning when i am actually realy happy.. i also frown when i think. so people think i am mad a lot. but im not. i've been trying to work on it though. tim says im doing better. sometimes when i meet nice people i want to tell them about my AS.. but i dont think i will this time. its weird its like i want to though and its hard to hold it in. its a part of me and its like i feel like i should say it. but then i thinkwhats the point and what if they treat me different like some people do..i wish it was the same every time so i knew but people all react different so i never know, theres no way to know which way it could go. and what if we they stop being our friends i mean we were pretty close to telling katie and joey and then they got weird.. and katies "weirdness" (??? yes that works) about autism.. is just so weird! i would never feel comfortable telling them about it. but maybe they know. i've commented on an AS group on an fb and it isnt private. i think people can see my comments and likes for tht group.. so they probably know. i just dont want to tell them regardless.

im exhausted. woot. time for sleep.