Listening to: Yael Naim- New Soul
Buh. I am EXHAUSTED. emotionally exhausted.
I am on a constant roller coaster of feelings. Typically normal but I dont know if its that maybe its more extreme this time or that I'm just so tired of it and I'm too weak to deal with it anymore. But its beaten me down... I'm a mess. I love tim. As broken a person I am right now, he still loves me and continues to support me.. even when theres hardly anything to support. Or hardly worth it.
I picked up some stuff from the mothers house today. It was stressful because they are like vultures. they see prey and they just need too peck and peck and peck its eyes out.. and it isnt even dead yet. or something. in other words i guess, they tried to start a bunch of pitiful fights with me. but i dont care enough to argue with them anymore. you argue with people you somewhat respect and want a positive outcome from.. but i have nothing for them. i could careless what happens. I didnt get everything I wanted. I tried but I didnt want to be there anymore. I didnt want to leave my stuff there because last time I left, my mom gave me an ultimatum and said to take everything i wanted. i couldnt fit it all in my little car in one trip. even tho i wanted it all. she said.. take what you want now or i'm throwing it away.. instead she let jason raid thru and pick and choose what he wanted. and when i said they were mine they both gave me a bunch of crap and it wasnt even worth it. I dont want to go thru that again. I dont have much and I like the stuff I have and Im sick of them taking advantage. take take take and never giving. they are the most selfish people i know and yet they call me selfish. everyone is selfish yeah, but they like practice it.. like a religion or something. And manuel.. he was like weird too. like he didnt even say hi or anything he was like being the middle man for them and delivering their stupid messages. I dont know how many times Ive stood up for him and I felt like he was without even saying it, on their side without even knowing what happened. and I'm sure he heard their side. they all talk about EVERYTHING. everything but the important things.
one the other end of things, tim is increasingly wonderful. Were really trying to dive into this wedding planning nonsense and get things going already. we've been thinking about maybe going and getting legally married at like a courthouse for now and having a wedding within the year like planned. but instead we'd be married already... idk tho. it was his idea and i definitely think it'd make certain things a lot easier.. but i kinda want the traditional way. we found this one place.. the Descanso Gardens in La Canada.. about 30 minutes away... its really pretty. Theres some parts like all of these types of places that are real cheesy and not my style but theres this one area thats like forest and its kinda perfect. tim liked this place called the enchanted forest or castle or something.. i forget the name but its all castley which was interesting.. It took me by surprise actually, that he liked that. Before he said he wanted like a garden wedding or something. or beach. now we both don't want a beach wedding. I drew a bunch of dress sketches. I'd post them but i don't have a scanner. a working scanner.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends. The mother came with me to look for dresses. a while ago. a couple places. and then heather once, but she went back to hungry. she's a missionary. the cousins live far and are a little young not that it's ever mattered to me... they're great and i enjoy them. but I already look so young. I don't want the place to think its a joke and we're just young girls with nothing to do.. cuz it is something i would have done when i was younger. and its a little depressing when they think my 14 year old cousin is older than me. urggg.
certainly maybe. I think jason found a newbie. I'm happy for him. lets hope he doesn't let sex lead the way in that relationship too. I really hope he learns to listen.. and stops acting like he's in the 4th month of going out when he hasn't even asked the girl out yet. And when a girl says she's in a vulnerable anything.. state of mind.. time in her life.. blah.. that he hears that and doesn't ignore it or take advantage. and I really really hope he realizes how gay it is to be best friends with a former ex girlfriend. i wont say so much friends, but best friends? g'z. No girl wants to feel second best. Either chuck her or f... lol. no thats not funny. that's mean. I dont mean to be mean towards him or anything I just.. nope... I don't know what to be towards him. Haven't even sent that bill. Does it make me a bad person if i do? Does what type of person i am even matter anymore lol. baaaaah, he has good taste in music tho.
I've been having really weird/bad dreams. not like ghost scary.. like traumatizing scary. actually its kinda gross and embarrassing so i wont really go into it.. but I dont know where they're coming from. Its frustrating because its been for the last 1-2 months ish. maybe more. and they get worse and worse. and its not even bad dreams.. it started out that way and then it was whenever i'd close my eyes.. and now.. sometimes I'll be in the middle of something like at the computer or eating or driving and I'll see things in my head. Its disturbing. I need counseling. actually timmy thinks so too. we've talked about it before.. more me think so.. but never actually going because i didnt know where to go. but now he wants me to. or to take prozac again. he agrees that last time she started me on a really high dosage. and it made me all weird.
I cut my bangs.
so timmy and i decided we're gonna own a banana stand. and sell chicken nuggets.
Im going to go to bed or something.
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