I have concluded one thing from my experiences over the past 3 or 4 months... I am completely psychotic. and i need perfessional help. will I take advantage of this new found self discovery and get some? heck no.

I want out. out of this house. out of this situation. out of this valley. this state. out of this world? gah, shh. careful what you wish for jeni.... hmm.

I'm kinda weird about writing about death but, Ive been having crazy dreams. well not alot. a few. maybe 4 but i remember 2. one where Im in my room and my brother comes in and he's freaking out cuz.. ever seen dawn of the dead? well its like that only a bijillion times worse. cuz they arent really zombies. they were more like monsters but like humans.. only bigger. and redish and brown colors and the skin on their heads looked like they were inside out. we hid in the bathroom and we had a little tv in there and the news showed the monster dudes ramming stuff with their heads. and my brother passed out. so i dragged him into the bath tub and tried to get inside too and the whole time that i dragged him, which seemed like forever, i was knowing i was about to die and thining about it in detail. how it would feel, where i would go, how long it would take.. so i was almost in the tub and they broke thru the door and one was coming for my face.. then i woke up. it was creepy. The next night i had a dream that i was at a meeting type thing and this guy was explaining what to do if a gun is ever pointed at your head... half way into the thing a kid pulls out a gun and starts pointing it at random people. it was scary and stuff but then its like my brain skipped and we were just standing around again and i turn to talk to this person and i feel a gun on the side of my head. and it slowly goes to my forehead and im looking this kid in the face. and he looked so evil and creepy. i started looking at the floor and crying and shaking and thinking the same things i thought in the other dream.. only this time it felt even more real than before. and i started falling to my knees cuz i was like moving my legs alot and he told me not to stay still but i was having problems or something cuz i couldnt hold myself up. so he is above me and he's just yelling and i couldnt hear him cuz when i get nervous or i cant handle something.. i get this crazy pressure in my ears, like an adrenaline rush in my ears. its doesnt really happen when im scared. online like excited. and it doesnt happen alot. its like a feeling you get when you have your first kiss and stuff like that. but not happy.. heh. and this time it like filled my whole body. and i couldnt really hear him cuz of the pressure and then i forget what happens. i cant remember if i woke up then or if i pushed him in the pool. cuz that sounds familiar. anywho... and the next nite... i had another dream about jay. i cant remember all of it, but we were in my house and it was a coupe weeks ago when my brother was home. it was like i never told my brother what happened.. the dream was like how things would be and what would have happened if no one knew. only, i knew all that so i was freaking out. people from church were there and he was talking to everyone. and then at the end he started walking over to me like nothing was wrong and he's about to say something and i just stood there looking at him with no expression. and then everyone looked at me and it was all silent and then i woke up.

anywho... in later news...

at the moment, i have the following options:

1. go to north carolina and try to convince my brother to let me live with him.

2. lancaster with aunt yo and uncle ray

3. tehachapi with aunt suzy

4. stay at my house until finish school and then move to missouri

5. stay at my house until i finish school and then move in with kelly and jonathan.

yeah, not exactly a lot of options. no good options anyways. oi oi oi.

hey guess what.. i dunno if this is good news or not.. but... i was on roomates.com or something like tht a few days ago and i just put a short profile.. and i have responses... i havent read them yet tho. i shall be back laters.