I dont want to live anymore. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I dont understand why life is so ridiculous and complicated all the time. It doesnt get easier, you dont catch on.. its a never ending plummit todeath. and it gets faster and faster as you fall. i dont want to breath or move. i dont want to be known. i want to be forgotten. i miss who i was but that person doesnt exist. maybe she never did and i made her up to make who i am feel like i used to be worth something. maybe i never was. i take good things and ruin them. i dont know how to do anything. everthing falls apart. no one loves me anyways. not even tim. he justwants easy. familiar. its not me. why would it be? who am i? no one. nobody forever, i dont want to wait another 20 years to figure out what wont change. i want to end it now. i dont wan to kill myself. i just want my body to give up and stop living. because thats how i feel anyways. imagine waking up every morning next to someone you loathe. thats how i feel. i hate who i am but im stuck here. always connected to myself in mind, body and spirit. always. never able to run away or get a break. nonstop all the time. no one cares. no one would care if i died. not really. i would miss timmy. but im not good enough for him. i'd be happy knowing he could have someone else and someone better. i want to rewind and start over. make better decisions. live better. it doesnt work. nothing does. nothing i want ever happens the way its supposed to. its just a joke. even to tim. our engagement was just a joke to him. we were. my virginity was just a joke to jason. and my life is a joke to God. and all of it is a fucked up joke to everyone who sees it.
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