the title. very profound. not really. its just. I've said it before and it makes me so angry that i want to say it again. I've said in an entry not too long ago the ever popular Hills quote.. "i want to forgive her, and i want to forget her.. " i know its gay to steal lines from such a gay show (that i love) but its a good quote and it applies. i got to a point where i just wanted the forgive part. but now the forget is creeping back in. it'd be so much easier without this. without her. them. i hate dealing with this. for years. for life really. I'm exhausted. and even more so today....... Penguin had an appointment with the vet yesterday. Penguin has fleas!! had. i think. we washed everything and vacuumed profusely. and bathed him. twice. in dawn dish soap.. it was suggested. he hates us for sure. he's been acting really out of it since then. slow. lazy. grumpy. but not mean. stressed :[ but we had to. he smells nice... :/ my grandma called me today. she revs you up and pushes your buttons and then wonders why your so upset. she is so one sided. i hate when stubborn people call me stubborn. i was angry that i was even being reduced to such ridiculousness. that my mother would stoop so low. she can't pick up a phone and just FREAKING say what she has to say.. she has to talk to everyone but me about it.. and then say she is too busy. she is full of it. 10 minutes ago she was going to help me plan a wedding, and now she is too busy to make a phone call and have a conversation?? she gets busy when she doesn't want to deal. she involves absolutely everyone but me in something that has to do with only me. this isn't even about jason anymore. I could care less if we ever talk again. the whole cambria issue is ridiculous. what i said was nothing compared to his nonsense and abuse. and i have not only forgiven.. i had forgotten. i had to. because no one ever listens to me. and she actually thinks i should be happy with her that she got me a meeting with him. well golly.. i should be honored. a meeting with mr. self absorbed. no thanks. I just wanted to be heard and whats that word.. not acknowledged.. i cant think of it now.. but i couldn't go plan a wedding.. spend hours with her.. if in the back of her mind.. I am also part of the problem. this family doesn't make any sense. when i walk away i don't care and i am a bad person. when i try to solve things.. talk about things.. i am creating drama and stressing people out.. but when its about them.. then we have to talk. then its necessary. screw them. Tim keeps telling me i did nothing wrong. and that i am the only one trying and they don't even deserve it anymore. but i keep going back like i never learn my lesson. i guess i don't. see because I'm the only one who gets it.. they are family.. and you don't just give up your family. you keep trying. but they say it with their mouths and do nothing. i can say i hate them and i don't want to deal with it anymore, but then i go trying like an idiot.. its that story in the bible. the 2 sons. one who said he would do what the father asked and didn't and one who said he wouldn't but did. the second was more honorable. he was more right. He wasn't a liar. a liar and a people pleaser. and no matter what i do and what i say.. someone always seems to twist it into something stupid.. like I am the one giving up. when THEY have done nothing but that from the beginning. the only reason me and jason ever got close at all is because i blocked out all the crap and i moved on. and thats why i am so angry. because i forgave his mountain and he is STILL holding on to this little insignificant thing that happened to cambria that wasn't even anything. it was out of anger towards him. and me and cambria are fine. unless she is the fakest person in the world.. and i dunno.. maybe she is but i don't think so.. unless she is fooling everyone.. then its over. i just think its wrong what she is doing. she complains about immaturity. she hates when people talk down to her or condescend. but she has done all of those things and more this week. she wont give me the respect of just talking to me. it was HER who said that when we have these disagreement or arguments or something.. we "need" to talk it out.. and whenever she has something important to talk about. i always listen. and i don't say i have something "real" important to tell her.. and then hold out for a week making excuses. i could care less at this point if she ever actually planned on talking to me. the point is she said she would make a time and she didn't she's had me waiting over here for her to say the word and then she sends me a reply to an email saying to just give her a day.. like she's been waiting for me this whole time. bullshit! and so i reply and say "today!" and she doesn't call. she told me she would make a time and she didn't. she told me she would tell me and she didn't. she told me she would help plan my wedding and she is not. she told me she would talk to me about this and all she has done is made excuses. if she doesn't want to talk about it. i don't care but she should give mr the respect of at least telling me. so i can just stop thinking about it and her and jason and get a wedding planner like a normal person and get things done. she always says that i am selfish but she is. i don't expect people to drop everything and attend to me. but thats not whats going on at all. its my wedding. if that wasn't a factor.. i could just avoid them and just let it "work itself out" like they so love to do.. but i can't because she said she would plan my wedding with me. and to do that we need to be in the same room for more than a while. and we can't because i can not stand her. and she will not listen to me. she will not be a mother. she has to go and act like a baby to her own. after my grandma called and i hung up because of how overwhelming she is.. i called my mother. i went on for about 5 minutes about how i can not stand this anymore i was more than upset and sounded it and she wasn't saying anything. i looked at the phone and it was off.. 31 seconds. she couldn't listen to me for more than 31 seconds. i called repeatedly after and she didn't answer. not only did she not call me back.. she sent me an email saying how busy she was.. but apparently she had time to call my grandma. and send an email explaining how busy she was.. how does that make sense? she is a coward and a fake. and isn't deserving of my time. thats what tim has thought and i knew he was right. this family. my immediate family anyways.. is not worth it and i keep coming back thinking they are or will be. nope. never happens. they expect ME the wounded victim to give up all my pain and forgive them and be perfect and take their crap and be treated however they want to treat me. and i wont do it. i want to work it out but they wont because that means compromise. and thats nothing they could ever do. i compromised so much for them. brett for my mom. who i wanted to be. and no one appreciates it. no one was like "wow jeni.. we suck ass. and it must have been hard for u.. sorry.." nope. just.. "u breathed on me! SHAME ON U!" i'm done. i really am. if that son of a bitch mother of mine doesnt give me 10 minutes of her time to say SOMETHING to me.. she's worthless. i can't stand it. i can't stop typing obviously either. i bet she didn't tell her "group" about this either because THEY probably aren't like grandma. they would tell her what a jerk she is being. i'm sick of people treating me like crap for no reason. I had enough. the only one who is worth it is tim. no one else. i'm sick of one-sidedness. i am sick of people who claim to care but don't. i want to die. but tim is the ONLY reason i don't. only. i'm not afraid of hell anymore. it has to be better than this. has to. i'm sure the devil would have called. so i gues that says it then.. she's worse than the devil. i don't even know what to call her. mother is too much. i hate saying it. she would be offended if i called her anything else. but i don't care. i'm offended now and she obviously doesn't. lol it just cracks me up that jason "finally agreed" my grandma tells me.. like i dunno. they are the cause of his over inflated ego. what is with men these days? is tim the only humble one left? he is truly.. the most sincere considerate loving.. true.. person i've ever known. and i should listen to him. and forget these people. he defended them for so long.. and now he sees what comes from all this.. nothing. sadness. the only thing i can do to fix it, it to make sure my daughter never feels this way. whether she turns out messed up or not.. i will not be the cause. i will defend her even when i'm not sure if she's right. i'll give her respect at an early age. i will never say "because i said so".. at least not over 4 years old and if i have a reason. i won't favor. i won't justify abuse. i won't condone. i won't reduce or belittle their emotions. i will always answer her calls and return them if i missed it. i will always support her. i wont make her think she cant tell me she had sex. because she probably will. and i wont be a bitch to her bf's. because it could be the love of her life. and i could ruin it. i wont be her friend but i wont be her enemy. i will be everything i wanted. and i wont give her space if she didn't ask for it. i wont tell her she isn't trying if thats all she does. i wont waste her talent if she fails school. i wont accuse her of things i know she wouldn't do. i wont say i love them and show i don't. i won't be my mother. i just want to erase people. i want to hit my head and forget everyone ridiculous in my life. or not in my life. i hate them. Timmy is such a wonderful husband. he was made for me. i used to just think no one else would work with me. but now i know. just in this last week.. i realize this was FATE. maybe we could have missed it because i believe you choose what happens to you in some ways but you only get a certain number of options i think.. or something more detailed than that but thats the general idea. and i think this was the best option that could have ever been available. that doesn't happen a lot. so i guess i have that to be thankful for. not "i guess". i know. i just hate feeling wonderful and crappy at the same time.