YAY! I love getting packages!

I didn't hear the door yesterday so i had to go to the post office... but i forgot my id so i had to go back to the post office today. and now I have 2/3 of my new books I ordered "Aspergirls: Empowering women with aspergers syndrome" and "Woman from another planet". I love new books. Timmy thought i was weird because i held them while I watched american idol.. idunoo why. Anyway. The Aspergirls one is pretty good so far. My eyes hurt so I am taking a break. I'm highlighting the parts that I feel are like me.. so far most of the book is highlighted. good thing i used yellow. next time i read it i will use a darker color to highlight more specific things.

I'm so excited. I'm excited to do more research for my movie. I get discouraged a lot about it. But I am a doubtful person. I may be certain about something one minute and completely unsure the next... like my diagnosis... I used to always waiver. Now I know and i realize that is a part of it. So with my movie.. I read things about how you shouldn't make movies about yourself and stuff because you're more interesting to yourself than anyone else. And i see a lot of truth in that. but my story isn't just a flat, cookie cutter story. and the more time goes by.. things keep falling into place and things keep pushing me to pursue it... people ARE interested in aspergers. Especially aspergirls. This is a story people want to be told. And right when I thought that statement was a bunch of bs... I got an email from this guy who works for this organization called cause and effect. About a month ago, after quitting my job.. I posted an ad on craigslist like many other people do and I've done before. Thats how I got my last job actually... thanks a lot craigslist.. but in an effort to avoid the same situation, this time i put "web designer- seeking asperger friendly company" and listed all the things that went wrong at my last job before and after disclosing my AS. I got a few responses from people saying that my post moved them as they had kids with autism or knew someone with autism. And then today I got an email from the guy and here is a bit of what his email said:

"We have an on-going movement attached to the PBS series This Emotional Life, which focuses on the science behind mental health. One of the series’ main goals is to help encourage conversation about topics related to mental health and emotional well-being and to help diminish a lot of the stigma associated with these issues.

Part of our work deals with focusing on issues related to autism and Asperger’s Syndrome, in particular. We’d love to share your story and get your qualifications posted to our community. We reach about 20,000 people through our social media channels and many of them are facing (or have experience with) issues like yours."

So I emailed them back saying I was interested... I'm not sure what the next steps are.. I guess I will wait for them to email me back. Probably tomorrow. I looked at the site and there is only 1 article. so i would be 1 of 2. that's so cool! The other article is about a guy who has severe aspergers. His article only has 1 comment but its such a cool comment! I would be excited to get a comment half as nice. here's the comment and a link to the article:

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/some-people-say-i-am-weird-i-am-just-different

But that just reiterates the fact that autism is interesting. People love psychology and learning about human interactions etc.. and even if I wasn't on the spectrum, I think autism is one of the most intersting topics that can relate to so many areas of psychology.

Monica texted me today. She asked if I wanted to go shopping :) I really like Monica. She is funny and cool and not like a lot of girls. She's actually nice and kind of awkward like me and she isn't afraid of dirt like most girls. Yet she likes shopping. So thats cool. I guess a while ago i told chase and monica i have more time to hang out now that i quit my job. I was playing dutes with chase and he said monica was planning on calling me the next day to hang out. but she never did. this was weeks ago. i figured she didn't want to because she thinks I'm weird or something. Then they came over for tacos. And on the drive home chase asked monica why she didn't call me to hang out. and she told him she didn't think i would want to :( So he told timmy and timmy told him what i was thinking and now they think we're lame for thinking we both didn't like each other. heh. So i was really happy she texted me today. We're going to the Americana mall in glendale. woot.

I am starting to get girl friends. kind of. slowly. but kind of... But monica for sure and Stephnie and I have been getting somewhat closer i think. I really like Stephnie too. She's really nice and she's funny and interesting. But she's shy. And I am awkward. And its hard for me to get to know someone like her... but I'm really trying hard because I think its worth it. I miss having girl friends. But I don't just want any random girl friends.. i want good friends. and I see that in monica and stephnie. hopefully.. they might see that in me. although i wouldn't blame them if they don't.. I'm kind of obnoxious when I'm nervous. And I'm always nervous around them... so. yeah. uhg.

Casey and I are going to this Expo on Saturday. Supposed to be for people in the entertainment industry... actors and directors and etc. Woot.

Acting really is my passion. Above that is singing but I'm practical enough to know I don't have the voice to pursue that dream. But Acting is my passion. I don't want to do web design anymore. I'm so bored with web design. Its ok as a hobby. but it doesn't excite me. I don't want to go thru life as jeni frei "web designer" uhg. I want to be an actress not only because i love acting. but more than that. i want to change the world and I can't do that in some 9-5 job making crap money and working on web sites. i want to be a great actress.. yeah, i even want to be famous, but not just to be famous. i want to give to charities and build hospitals and orphages and feed the hungry and make aspergers only schools and better independent study programs and colleges for aspies. and help those who want to be singers and actors and dancers because so many stupid teachers think those careers are unrealistic and impractical and they need to be punched in the face. i want to shut those single minded teachers up and build kids talents instead of crushing dreams. and i want to travel and i want to research and learn. that is what i am supposed to do. i know i want to be a mom. i know i want kids. but for the 99% of me that knows i am supposed to be a mom and would want nothing more... theres a small piece of me in the back of my head that thinks.. maybe.... kids aren't for me.... maybe. idk. i don't want to bring something into the world and love it so much... and end up crushing their spirit and making them hate me. i know i wont be like my mom was... but she probably thought she wouldn't be evil either.

Well i am gonna go read some more.