so the other day me and timmy went out to lunch with pdk. to discuss premarital counseling. personally, i dunno what to think about it. im kinda confused, i have a lot of mixed emotions about the whole thing. in a lot of ways i liked what was said, there was some good stuff in there. but i also got the impression, and so did tim, that it was kind of a set up by the mother. not that pdk participated in the set up, or maybe he did, but we both think she KNEW he would react the way he did or say a lot of the things he said and THAT is why she put it together. but who knows. i wanted to write more but its late and i need sleep. night. _____________________________________________ sooo. im back. i was talking, or venting really, to timmy last night about how its sooo stupid how people like pdk and my mother and whoever we tell that we met on myspace, look at us strange... because sal and stephnie met on myspace too. lots of people do. and its not like i was even looking for someone. i sent a few people, including a girl even a random message the same night cuz i was bored. i mean sal and stephnie lived in different states and couldnt have met any other way. me and tim were both going to coc at the time and we live in the same town. and this town is small u know? i went to school with one of his ex gf's. and he worked at albertons with mike lopez a while ago. and there could have been ways we could have met besides myspace. so why didnt stephnie and sal get the odd looks and the condensation? like our relationship isnt good enough because of how we met? how else do u meet people? i know people who met under a lot worse of situations. i mean cmon. i mean i wouldnt go online to "find" someone. but i did. i dont really care what people think about it just kinda got to me at lunch with pdk because of that stupid look he gave us. like we were crazy and he was soo much better than us. and he asked us how long we've been together. 2 years in a week. and he i dunno. and he didnt think it wa anything to be proud of. even tho he only knew adrian 6 months before they got married. even tho sla and stephnie knew each other like 3 before sal proposed. and mike and becca . dawn and he bf who she had to marry cuz she was pregnant.. (and got married in the church probably by a church pastor) etc etc. why is it okay for all these other couples.. and younger.. couples to get married, and not us? he was asking tim if his parents were married or divorced, and basically came to a full analyzation about him from it. when my parents are divorced too but the things he said about tim have nothing to do with me... and some not to do with him. and after only a few nods from us concluded that our whole relationship on my part was based on wanting to feel protected and understood and he's the only one who fullfills those needs. which is, no offense to tim, completely untrue. tim is a push over and i havent yet really really felt his need to protect me, i feel its more of an obligation if anything. im sure it has changed since we've met but there hasnt been a situation to prove how much. and altho he does understand me to an extent, probably more than most, i dont even understand myself and i dont think me or anyone else ever will. so the 2 things pdk said we'rent even true. i dont love tim because he's a protector and he is so understanding.. i just do. and the part that reeeeally pissed me off wass when he asked if we were having sex. well we're not. i mean weve done just about everything else, but im a virgin. and my mom has gone on and on abotu how important it is and to wait and BLAH BLAH BLAH> everyone has and always will. but they are full of bs. because we said, no. we're not. and he gave us a "whatever" look and said, "ok well if you arent lying" or some equally complaisant commment. and said "thats great but you know what?.. its no big deal" and Im like.. are you freaking kiddding me? no big deal?? there are billions of people out there having premarital sex, not counseling... and having babies and killing them with needles because they arent "alive" and getting married because of their "mistakes" they call children.. and here we are not only being careful and responsible to not only ourselves but our future family, we're waiting. we're not even putting in room to make a mistake. we're saving that moment like i've always wanted to save it. not because i was told to save it. like he later said. which pissed me off too. seriously, who is he to tell me what i believe or feel or whatever? he basically said to tim that maybe he is doing all this just for me and because i believe in it so he will by default. he basically said that since tim doesnt fully understand it doesnt really come from his heart. and he basically told me that because i was raised my whole life in church, maybe i have always just done what i was told because i was told to and thats what i learned.. but not what i wanted. and i was just going along with it because i felt i "had to". felt i had to? no. i cant even believe he told that to me. who was the first person tostand up in uturn that time when he asked us to stand if we needed to change our hearts and who was it who did devotions at the senior trip when everyone else ignored it and went in the hot tub? im not perfect now and i have a lot of problems, but if it was all an act my whole life, why would i do those things if i didnt really want it? he can save that talk for the other 50 kids at uturn who are just "going thru the motions" and saying they want something just because they have to. I know what it says in the bible about my virginity and i wanted that. Ive made a lot of mistakes but so has like every other person in the world. even pdk. and he's sitting there saying "its not a big deal". does anyone know how hard it is not to have sex with my fiance when he is laying right next to me? i would like someone else to try and see if they get the same results as we have... 2 years. Im sure he couldnt do it. and if he could im sure he WOULD think it was a big deal. a very big deal mr "i have sex with my wife all the time" great for you. what of it? the rest of the conversation was just all this nonsense about how he basically , without saying, thinks we shouldnt get married, and to pray about until so we feel the same pretty much. im sure if when he calls later in the week and asks us what we felt God wanted us to do and we both said get married, he'd fight it. Maybe we should switch marriage counselors. maybe we should just elope. i dont want someone to marry us if they dont even want to. i mean, we havent come to ask for counseling on if we should or shouldnt be married. we wanted premarital counseling. counseling before getting freaking married. the decision is made. its not up for discussion anymore. not by him at least. its mine and tim's and thats it. im sick of all these church people thinking they know whats best for everyone else and not even looking at how they got where they are. no one is perfect. tim isnt perfect but idont care. and im not perfect at all. but tim still loves me. isnt that enough? everyone is going to screw up, and life is going to get harder and crappier and crappier and then it will end and you'lll just get a buttload of new crappidy crap crap. and it just keeps going.. until u die. at least i know i can get through it with timmy. he calms me down. he balances me. and i think im great for him too. I have seen him stick up for himself. well. not actually seen but i have heard about it. and im really proud of him. and i dont take full credit but i do think i play a little role in it at least. i think we're growing together and i really think thats all you need from a person is someone you can learn and grow with, and tolerate. and enjoy. pdk said that our relationship is "teenager-ish" well isnt that an adult word.. psh. our relationship isnt teenager-ish. he doesnt even know it. he hasnt seen us together longer than a lunch. and he said it half way thru. our love is deeper than a superficial teenage romance. Just because we look young, andjust because we come off young, we arent young. and we arent "playing house" i swear i wanted to sock him in the face for saying that. its the same thing mrs salzarulo said when i first moved in with tim. she asked if i cooked, and after saying yes, she chuckled, "how cute, youre playing house" psh she didnt think it was cute, and she didnt think it was funny. i hate when people do that. say one thing but think another. i made dinner. i wasnt going to eat fast food every night like they did before i got there. pdk said "you thought by living ttogether i'd make your relationship closer" or something.. i wanted to kill myself. how many tims do i have to tell these people??? i did not just "move in with my bf" i had a tough decision to make. maybe at the time it wasnt the best but it was my only option. none of these "friends" at church helped. I even begged sal to let me stay with him. nope. i went to the salz. i went to elaine but she couldnt. i went to my grandma and nope. and i ddnt have enough to go to missouri. geez. how many times do u have to tell people until it sticks? they think those things are so awful but they lvoe my freaking mother. my mother who used to party and didnt go to church. who DID move out with her bf just to move out with he bf. cuz she was sooo in love. and who DID have sex out of marriage. and DID get pregnant with jason. and then married because of it. I know a lot of people on the church staff with worse histories than mine. i know of a certain pastors daughters fiance who hasnt exactly stayed pure, at all. and its me being criticized. he just doesnt get it. we're living together. we're engaged, have been for almost a year.. in 2 months. we're discussing moving to thousand oaks and finding me a job down there and stuff like that. we arent in a position to just mull things over. we're in it. we want it. and its taken a long time for us to be able to get it. and thats what were doing. anyways. im done. meh.