Sunbeam stop tugging me Pull that door shut quietly Darling what are you doing? We don't have time for this Mmm dey mmm da mmm day-hee-oh Mmm dey mmm da mmm day-hee-oh I'm crazy? what are you then? Give me an hour and i'll give your dream... Mmm dey mmm da mmm day-hee-oh Don't make a sound, shh and listen. Keep your head down - we're not safe yet Don't make a sound and be good for me 'Cos i know they're waiting somewhere out here Leave it, i won't go back We have to do it cos there's nothing left here Don't care, what do they know? I've seen it baby and i know it's real Mmm dey mmm da mmm day-hee-oh Mmm dey mmm da mmm day-hee-oh Showtime. i knew they'd come Woah are we having fun or what? yyeeeeaah. Mmm da mmm da mmm day-hee-oh Don't make a sound, shh and listen Keep your head down - we're not safe yet Don't make a sound and be good for me 'Cos i know they're waiting somewhere out.. Don't make a sound, shh and listen Keep your head down - we're not safe yet Don't make a sound and be good for me 'Cos i know they're waiting somewhere out ... here I feel good all over I feel good all over I feel good all over Wear your inside out ----------------------------------------- well. to a lot of people this song could be about sex.. to me its about running away together. Or just getting to that point in a relationship with someone.. where everything is perfect. Its about forgetting about everything else and just trusting each other and giving in. I kind of love it. apparently, its about an alien abduction.. who knew? ---------------------------------------- So yesterday at the library was totally odd. I was killing time sitting at a table writing.This girl walks by and she's listening to some librarian guy tell her where a book is. when someone walks by, i dont know, you generally look up. so i look up and she's walking and looking back at me and giving me the "eyes". i just put my head down thinking really nothing of it. then the guy gives her the book and she's holding like 3 or 4 books and she slams them down on the table I'm sitting at and I look up again.. and she sits down and smiles at me.. and i'm thinking.. weird. and then she's over there making all sorts of noise. and getting up fixing her shirt and like bending over and stuff. she was wearing what can only be described as booty shorts..... which i found kind of strange considering i was in a jacket and jeans and still somewhat cold. anyways.. after a while it was overly obvious she was a lesbian or something. she wasnt a typical looking lesbian or bisexual.. theyre usually like the women who lived across from me and timmy.. dyke butch things with short hair and manly hands...and scary. but she kind of looked like jennifer love hewitt only younger. like 19ish... so it was just weird. when i got up to leave, she totally checked out my butt. i only know cuz i turned around to get my purse. anyways... that was my encounter with the homosexual kind. jason [the brother] got a grant from coc. for $4,000. psh. And he didnt even apply for a grant.. and he's going to use it to buy a tatoo that costs $1,000.... gah. I have been trying to get a grant for school for so long.. and he's goign to waste it on ink. im kind of disappointed. Jason invited me to go to that show for his friend. but then he called back and said we should pick one or the other. it would be pretty expensive for him to do both. but i miss his face. i need to clean. ------------------------------------------ I dont know if i like this. I like him. I think he's great. But.. is this real? it feels.. idk. I dont even know if what I am thinking I'm feeling is what I am actually feeling. I just know its hard and it shouldnt be. I dont know if i want to feel this way about someone right now, especially if we arent even idk together. If we were thatd be a little different. but we arent. Its not like Im feeling this way about just anyone... And.. he is confusing. and its weird because i know he isnt trying to be... maybe he doesnt even realize that he is.. but he is. Halloween saying the offical stufff about "something" but not us. and then saying we arent and also somewhere in there saying that he had the opportunity to date someone else but didnt... so what is he saying? like maybe we're not exclusive but he was just practicing exclusive bahavior? lol its like he's contradicting himself. I either want a relationship with him. or idk i guess i want to be able to date different people or something. but not like ive been dating him. cuz... we're intense. just casual dates. actually, i dont even really want to date. but if this isnt going anywhere i would like it to be an option. i guess. and i dont think he is doing it intentionally or even at all.. i just dont want to be led on. I've been there. 2 years worth. and i am done with it. I am never getting stuck in that again. that just going thru the motions thing... no. sometimes i feel like.. its not me. I am a passionate person. so is he. But when i feel a certain way about someone.. I am passionate about them. If i dont feel a certain way about someone.. it doesnt matter that I am a passsionate person, i just cant have passion for someone I dont feeel strongly for. but maybe his passion is different from mine. maybe it is just who he is and i could be any cool chick.. Im not saying he doesnt like me. I just keep hearing about all his ex gfs and it scares me.. why hasnt it worked out? maybe because his passion is for love or relationships.. not the actual girl...? if that makes any sense to anyone but me... anyways.. part of me felt like the distance and busy thing was good. at least for now. because i wanted to move slow.. but now im thinking.. its not good. its actually potentially worse. because okay, what if we arent right for each other and there are all these random red flags that we arent even aware of yet? but they are the kind of red flags or things you see when you are around a person in person, a lot. things you cant see over the phone or after a couple days.. in some ways spending a lot of time together in the beginning could be better because its faster to see if its going to go somewhere or if its a disaster waiting to happen... and with all these spread out dates.. for a couple hours at a time.. how am i supposed to know anything?... so its worse because with all this spread out-ness (yeah thats a wword) how do we know we're not just prolonging the inevitable? and instead of seeing what we need to see we're just getting more attached in conversation over time.... gah. hold on incoming call. YA see? ya see? thats what Im talking about.. he's all wonderful and.. he calls me baby... baby... not babe. baby. its such a bf thing to say. i dont know if im comfortable with someone i reeally like calling me baby and not being with him. i mean i am comfortable with him calling me whatever he wants i just want to know where we stand really... and i wouldnt be sooo incredibly crazy girlly about it.. but considering how "close" we've gotten and how much i like him.. i just think if i am realy honest with myself.. im a little scared that my first time was just with someone who could be gone faster than he came. i wish i would have waited... until i was actually with someone at least.. or inlove at least.. not just screwing around with some guy i dont know. (but its not even like that.. i really really like him. i need a new word because "like" isnt doing it.. I really care about him and i know i could feeel more but i cant even admit this kind of stuff or say it out loud yet because its too soon and we arent even together...) i think its reasonable to think of this stuff.. if we had just dated and hung out when we have but hadnt done much of anything and we were really casual.. i wouldnt feel so weird about it.. and he probably wouldnt be calling me baby and we probably wouldnt be saying all this stuff to each other. but we are.. and yet we arent together? if i was dating someone else.. it wouldnt be like this. and i wouldnt feel so attached already because i wouldnt let it get soo intense. but you cant take it back once its out there.. im talking myself silly.. rambling in circles. but its my diary so whatever. then theres the other issue. i like him so i would rather start something than stop something. but... then again.. theres the whole job thing. I am really self conscious about myself right now. i dont like feeling this way about myself and being with someone. i feel like Im being watched all the time. It makes me think i should stop it. at least until i cant feel good about myself. my mom said she thnks im depressed. well. i dont know, im not really sure. Ive been depressed before. it was different. but it was also over tim or another relationship issue. maybe depression is different for different situations. i wish i could just ask a question and get an answer. from anyone. i hate the unknown. but i guess life wouldnt be very romantic if we knew everything. i guess thats what fuels romance in the first place... i'm so back and forth. i feel amazing and horrible at the same time. amorable. heh. I've been eating chocolate all day. I dont even really like chocolate. i cant stop :( well apparently tim took my texting privilleges away. lol. i think we only have like 400.. i think i sent and recieved about 800. I dont care. he has been such a jerk.. the insurance thing. the whatever.. the girls. the way he acts. about everything.. the last 2 years of lies.. so i just dont care anymore about trying to be nice or do the right thing when it comes to him. he obviously doesnt think about that stuff when it comes to me... maybe his fat bill will open his eyes to the fact that he is a jerk yes... but also, that i wont just sit back and take it. i think he's the devil. oh i like this sonng.. "in your eyes.... " i like jasons eyes. uhg...???? i'm so ridiculous. I neeeeed to.. photoshop :] ----------------------------------------------------- i cant sleep. im having a really hard time right now. i want to cry but its not coming out. theres a lump in my throat but its such a tease.. although it would make sense.. its not about losing tim. not at alll actually. its about losing in general. its about circles and life.. and how everything seems to end. everything. it is just really getting to me right now. why did i have to experience tim if it wasnt going anywhere? to learn a lesson? things i already knew. why did i have to lose something important to me? start over. i hate starting over. sharing all your secrets with yet another person. giving more of yourself everytime. and you never really get what you give back. I feel like I'm going to run out soon. I think this lump has more to do with my current situation than tim. and I really i wish it didnt. I hate the feeling. i actually would prefer to be crying over tim.. i'd go on.. but i cant ever explain things right.