[626] TRY

by ilickdoorknobs
Feeling: annoyed
I dont understand people sometimes. try.. try.. what have i been doing? if i wasnt trying.. i would be.. i would be so awful. but im trying.. and is it good enough? no. of course not. but what else is new??? try... ..looking in the mirror. and then say try. lol the more and more i play the words in my head.. the more i dwell.. the more i cant help but thinking OMG how ridiculous is this??? are people insane?? am i? TRY Jeni!! try. try and throw your innocence away! try and make something work that you knew was nothing but impossible. try to forget standards jeni. try to forget self worth. try to stay instead of going with your instincts.. try to finish school and find a job in a place where nothing works out. try and forget what they think of you. try and not cry every night so no one worries but yuorself. try not to act on impulse and hurt yourself. try and cover up how broken you are. try and forget how much you believe in the things you keep giving up. try and push God out of your head! try all this and so much more. and now.. just one more thing... try and be nice? nice. what is nice? you know what i think nice is? i think nice is when you have someone who defends you when people say crap about you (not to be comfused with the truth) or when they try and hurt you. that is soo so nice. well. aarons got a geat brother. must be nice. why cant I have nice? why must i always be "nice".. im sick of nice and im sick of people. and i really do think im sick with something. with depression. i miss my passion. im such a vegetable. how can things have been so right and so wrong all at the same time? and now, how could things just be so wrong? good choice or a god choice. why dont i ever listen to my mother? why cant i be more like jason? why cant i be more like talya? why am i so weak? why cant i stay true to who i am? people live their lives with what they have.. even if its not much. even if they have nothng at all and they know all they will ever have is nothing. even if their whole life is suffering for what they believe in. what do i believe in? why am i not willing to sacrifice? I think i could. maybe if i had someone encouraging me. and joy. I had joy when i had God. I cant do it without him. i cant do anything without him. i was so happy. i wasnt like i am now. I can be that way again. but im so ashamed of who ive become. and im not even what i could be.. or as bad as i could be. but i miss him. ____________________________________________ enough of the hysteria. i just cant believe he said that to me. i dont want him to be afraid to tell me things like that so i didnt say anything but oi... does he realize how.. uhg. i dont know. I just think i am upset cuz i mean.. i have given up so much for timmy. and he doesnt even realize it. maybe he does but it doesnt feel like it. not when he says things like "could you be nicer to my brother?" when firstly, i have been trying. and secondly, what has he said to aaron? nothing. and he wont. it makes me sick how people like aaron can just get away with so much just because people arent willing to confront them about how incredibly ridiculous they are. and thirdly, when will i ever have a boyfriend who isnt just words? never have i had the privilege of having a boyfriend who really protects me and wants nothing more but my safety. both physically and emotionally. from everyone and everything. a boyfriend who thinks i am everything. and if ever acting ridiculous at all.. its for me. not at my expense.. adres' friend talked about me behind my back. literally. i heard every word. and andres did nothing. and after he was like well i didnt even here what he was saying.. bullcrap he didnt i could hear his stupid friend and i was way infront of them. and he didnt say ANYTHING to him. and Sean with kelly. he was more afraid of what she would think than what i would think.. and brett with sal. i mean cmon. when? when when when is it my turn to be put on a pedistool? i am not high maitenance at all but every girl expects some things from a boy and some things should just be a given. and this should just be a given. if a boy loves a girl like they profess to.. then it shouldnt be hard for them to stand up for them. not if they love them. so he must not care for me as much as i thought. i mean what will it take to get a guy to have some balls in pursuit of love? i would jump thru hurdles for him.. for "love". and gosh, i have. i mean what else should i do?? but when have i been so lucky to have the same? and why complain? its not like it would make a difference. but seriously. what would it take.. i seriously think i could be mugged or raped or both and if i told timmy he'd be like " well jeni, you should have been nicer to that mugging raper". ah. im so mad. yes, mad at timmy. for the first time i am and i admit it willingly. i dont want to be here right now. ps. i hate you all. what of it??? pps... im sorry you had to read that. it was stupid. ___________________________________________ back. beh. why bother? its not just the whole aaron thing. its a series of things. well not a series, but a few. but not like a big few. ah, i dont even understand myself. i dont know if i make a big deal out of nothing or not big enough deal out of something. i love him. i know that. I'm not to him what he is to me. if i was i wouldnt be writing this right now. if i was, he wouldnt be sleeping right now... hoping for the next day. am i really so difficult? i try. am i not trying hard enough? should i just shut up and love him and forget every negative thought that comes up? i cant do that. the more i keep it to myself.. the more angry i get and i dont want to be angry. i dont want to be bitter. i dont want to be mad. and its too hard to be mad at him. but thats not fair. but life isnt fair right? i dont want to be the kind of gf who just complains about everything... i dong think i do that. but once in a while something comes up. i dont want to sabotage this. i always push people away. but is this considered pushing? or just being annoyed? do i have the right to even be annoyed? I know my life isnt a romantic novel or chick flick.. but its not far fetched to think a guy can be romantic. boys get bothered when its worth it. so. i'm not worth it. at least not to him. so why do i bother? Im going home.. with or without my room.
Read 0 comments
No comments.