say what you will about Goodwill.. and say whatever you want about the management (i hate them workers and manager lady).. but i always find nice clothes. 3 things i got today still had the tags on them. And i got about 6 or 7 tops and 2 skirts and 6 books (including the kite runner and a thousand splendid suns) for under $40. what? I know. I know.

ANywho. Yeah. I needed a nice pick me up. I got my paycheck today and I always go shopping at Goodwill on paycheck day. Especially when I am in a bad mood. And I have been in a particularly cruddy mood for the past week and a half. Not really mad or irritated, although those aren't completely out of the picture, but mostly depressed and lethargic. As it gets closer and closer to my birthday. and I gain more and more. dispite the fact that I am eating less and less calories. there's always something. Exercise. diet. now I read that sleep is a key ingredient to losing weight. uhm. sleep? seriously? grrrr. Closer to my end. Further from my dreams. Its like I am walking backwards all the time. Its like I am a dog with a treat tied to a stick infront of me.. you know so I never am able to get it but its there.. tauting and teasing. And I am getting so angry at myself. And my past and my family and so sick of myself for being angry. and so annoyed because I'm a baby. But it doesn't matter.

Speaking of being angry at my family. uhg. My grandma. she calls to say we should go to lunch for my birthday. I was at work at the time so she left a message. she basically said she wanted to meet in santa clarita and go to lunch. So i call her and during the call she talks about alllll these places she's going.. "Oh yeah I'm going here for a baby shower and then a wedding and then me and grandpa are driving up to Utah." blah blah blah. and I when i ask if we can meet for lunch in simi, she makes that "omg that's such an inconvenience" sigh. she JUST finished saying how she was going all sorts of places. And she is a grandma.. she has nothing else to do. I worked all week and she wants me to drive up there on my day off when its not really even a day off because i have school and house work and websites. And when she has come down to visit like everyone else. my uncle lives like 2 minutes away from me. literally 3 blocks. and she went to visit him without even calling me.. when she's never even been to my house ever. and she had grandpa with her and i never get to see him. And that wasn't even for like my uncles birthday. just went for a visit. just because. and she makes that noise... for my birthday??? wtf grandma. i don't even know if I want to see her. She lets people talk shit about me that isn't even true. But she got mad at me and hushes me for saying my uncle Rick is "mean" to me. i didn't say he is a jerk or a douche or a piece of shit. I said he is "mean" to me. And she got mad. When she let people in my family accuse me and tim of having sex when that's bullshit. we didn't have sex until after. not even after but way after we were married. because it hurt too much. but noooo. no one bothers to stick up for me when people are saying I'm not a virgin anymore for no reason and implying I'm a whore.And even after that I still have gone up THERE. all the way not just meeting half way but all the way, on several occasions. NO! this is not a one sided relationship. this is bullshit. Screw it. I am going to tell her something came up. I don't need these toxic people.

on a less crap note. i have been having a lot of great ideas lately. hopefully something will come from them instead of just remaining thoughts.